CHRONIC Relapser Desperate to Hope and Try Again

[DagnyT]

Hi. I just found this site a few days ago and have read a lot here. It sounds like most of you are in your teens or twenties, maybe thirty. Well, I'm 57 years old, took my first stimulant at age 17 and here I am, taking very high doses of an amphetamine again. I have spent all my adult life using, misusing or abusing some dopaminergic drug or other. After the "diet pills" in college it took me quite a while to function normally again but I did until I discovered that some opiate type drugs would give me what I had been chasing after with the stimulants - energy, motivation, an interest in things around me and would also take away the bad stuff - the constant feeling of boredom, apathy, lethargy and just not really feeling much enjoyment of anything. Everything that other people do for fun has always just seemed like one more chore and too much effort for very little reward. Dysthymia is probably the correct medical term. I used drugs of and on as short breaks from the grayness. I even got physically addicted to something a few times but I always managed to quit cold turkey at home, by myself, even a daily 13 year heavy dose of benzodiazepibes.

But this is different. I don't know if cycling on and off phentermine (the diet pills) for 2-3 years ruined my brain chemistry but I am pretty sure my biology and my childhood set me up for mood problems from the get go. (I was once in the hospital for 2 weeks and have had electroshock treatments when things were very bad.) I'm nowhere near that state now, but I truly don't remember the last time I felt normal, just normal. Or the last time anything was either "funny" or "fun" or even interesting except on Adderall.

I started out on Nuvugil, when I kept telling him about feeling so tired and sleepy all the time. I ended up abusing it and going through withdrawals worse than anything I ever thought I could bear - over and over and over. I would quit, determined to get my life back, make it a month or a week or seven weeks or 2 days but always at some point the feeling of needing to feel "good" would become so urgent and so intense that I would get some more and then be end up right back where I was. I tried everything to help myself: you'll have to trust me that I truly did, with groups, therapy, church, exercise, nutrition, etc. But during my first couple of years of trying to quit my husband was still taking it too and would give me pills in the middle of a long spell of clean time. He wanted me to stay on them too, so he wouldn't feel so bad about himself I think.

I finally decided to cut off my supply for good for sure (I had already done this by phone but my doctor would forget) by going for an office visit with one purpose only. I told him about taking it, the many nasty side effects, that I would get high tolerance very quickly and that then I would increase the dose on my own. And that that made me feel guilty and a drug addict and I could NOT take it ever again. Not to every write me another script for it.

And he interrupted me, still talking, to say "that's okay I've been wanting to try you on another drug anyway - Adderall." I asked what was in it and he said mixed amphetamine salts. " I knew I needed to get out of there quick but the thought that MAYBE I could take this ADD drug properly and be able to actually get off the couch sometimes was too tempting and that's how I got started on Add

[LILTEX41]

Hi Dagny. Welcome to the forum!

I'll be 34 in May. So I have questions for you. How long have you been taking adderall? How has it been working for you so far? What do dislike about it?

[FALCON]

<a href=" DagnyT

Hello sister I will be 56 fucken years old in 2 weeks when you where writing your post it sounded like my life yes I do believe your brain chemistry has changed and it may be permanent but I also know time will hell and you will prabubly never be ho you wher butt you will adapt to the new you .I know I defiantly damaged my brain s chemicals and neuron transmitters I have finally came to this conclusion I have Ben a drug abuser since the age of 13 yeas old inhaling glue out of a bag i started out on street drugs then I graduation into the high society of proscription drugs don’t blame yourself or your husband for the situation you are in you addicts like to hang out with there own kind let me say somting that I have realized some people are genetically programed to abuse or yous drugs butt we do have a choice not to yous life is a fucken bitch most of the time and it certainly is not fair at times we self medicate our self’s to alleviate the pain yes the pain of depression is a real pain both physical and mental I have resonantly tried to explain this to someone whom is not pre programed with a chemical imbalance like you and I ar this person tolled me to jest snap out of it what a ignorance person. I am still walking on this earth because baby I know I have fucked up this body of mine with more shit then I wish to go into wright now. Most of the members on this web site are still young they can change things in there life easier then you and I can they can change there addictive life patterns I try to give them my wisdom and comen scene what I will tell you is you may never be free of your depression and your addictive genetics pre programed . I know people older then you and I and they are functioning addicts and still going strong. Lets have some realization you and I have shortened our life expectancy lets jest call a apple a apple this is the thru facts in hand we are damaged so lets jest try to live the remainder of our life’s in some sort of happiness our clock is ticking down don’t beat up on your self it will jest make you feel like shit be happy every day you are still on this earthly dimension I know I jest gave you a dose off reality sorry about that butt I am getting to old to sugar coat .

I hope you will quit using adderall and what ever else your taking this site is so grate I love it and I do want to help these young bloods who still have a chance to live a clean and healthy life still without adderall.

I wish you well jest be happy with your relationship with your husband and family it is important to have some one to love.

Your new friend falcon give me a private message if you like.

[lea]

Hey Dagny -- Welcome! I'm 50 and was diagnosed with ADD as an adult and only used amphetamines for ADD in the past 5 years. I do believe I had it as a child/ teenager, hence the need to work twice as hard as everyone else but that's water under the bridge. I did use diet pills when I was younger but they didn't make me feel good the way ADD drugs did. So I'm 10 wks off ritalin today and I'm FINALLY starting to feel normal again. Normal in that I'm getting things done @ work, returning calls & emails in a timely manner, opening mail and making a dent in the piles of stuff I've procrastinated in the last few months of heavy ritalin abuse. I'm telling you this so you know that it's possible. I was so confused and out of it the first few weeks I thought the fog would last forever, but it doesn't.

Like you I also have a history of depression and have been on antidepressants for 15 years. I know you know this but your doctor needs to go - bigtime! Go to the ASAM website (American Society for Addictive Medicine) or talk to your primary if you feel comfortable, about finding a new psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. There are many of them out there -- really good ones who get it.

It's funny because I read your post the other day on nootropic supplements and I'm thinking ... ok, another obsessive researcher like me. I hope she writes more about herself!

Are you still taking adderall and if so, do you have a plan for quitting? Please stay in touch. There are a lot of great people on here, like FALCON People of all ages and stages of recovery who can and will help you immensely. xoxo

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hi there, I'm 40 so we do have a full spectrum of demographics represented on this site!

Let me ask you what your lifestyle is like apart from the drugs? Are you generally healthy? Do you exercise and eat well? From what I can tell that makes a huge difference. I have very bad eating habits and haven't exercised consistently for over 2 years and my recovery is slow going; I really believe it makes a difference. Be interested to know about your thoughts on that and whether you feel like you have a strong base to fall back on when you quit (which I believe you can do!).

Also not to pry but I imagine you might have some other hormonal changes going on about this time and that's going to play havoc on your moods, memory, mental function and physical function. Not to mention self esteem. Try to think of your body as a whole; and treat it as such... (now if only I could take my own advice....)...

[Heather67]

Oh fine.....45 up in the hizzle! !!! LOL. Yeah quite an age range...and damn that nuvigal!"!!! I had started a thread on that back a bit when I.heard it advertised on.the radio ...as a med for Scuse me but...HAVING A GOD DAMN 3RD SHIFT JOB!!! I was like wow...what next. I can totally relate on the total take over of stimulants....loved..loved everything about them ...even when you know they are going to kill you ...that's the addict. Nothing rational at all...I had to get to rational again...I did...3 months ago. So welcome and keep posting.