Journal: Last week on addy & first months quitting...

[Leila]

**Possible Trigger**

I thought I'd keep a short journal my last week on addy and jot down how I'm feeling. The highs and lows. That way when I quit I will have something to look back at and see how shitty it was being on it. BUT I'm not sure if writing about being on addy is allowed in this forum. If it isn't, my apologies and I understand if this gets deleted.

3/22 Friday

On addy. 30mgs so far. Or 20...shit. I honestly can't remember. It's 2pm. Woke up exhausted as normal (take klonopin to sleep). Popped 2, 5mg pills. Played with my toddler (Tot), made breakfast, got him ready for the day, went grocery shopping. Now he's napping, I'm writing this then have lots of housework to do.

Emotions/Thoughts:

Felt flustered at store. Got a cart too small cuz Tot was trying to run off. Then I couldn't fit everything I needed in my cart, lol. Duh... So I only got half my stuff. I am kinda awkward socially on addy, but I feel more comfortable while on it because I don't focus on people. I usually get overwhelmed in public, I feel like my acne and haggard skin disgusts people- but even when I was "pretty" I'd feel overwhelmed and insecure when guys checked me out. Or when anyone even looked at me. That's how I am sober, and I've been that way for a long time. I used to take off my glasses at the mall so everyone would just look fuzzy and I'd feel safe. lol, like they couldn't see me if I couldn't see them.

Home now, the to-do list in my brain won't stop. I kinda enjoy it though. It distracts me from worrying about how ugly I look, how unhealthy I feel. It distracts me from worries big & small. It distracts me from worrying about the economy, from feeling guilty for not helping others less fortunate (this sounds weird but my whole life I've felt like I was meant to help other people and everyday I don't I feel this heavy guilt. Addy distracts me from this because it makes little things, like organizing the closets seem important. And if they're important I can get totally immersed in it without guilt.)

Kinda worrying how my mood will be when husband (Hub) gets home. Hopefully I won't be coming down and uncomfortable. I want to be normal and relaxed when he comes home. I want to be somewhat well rested and happy, not exhausted like usual. I want to laugh easily and relax with him.

So right now, obviously amped up on addy like normal. I feel normal. This is me normally... Okay I'm getting bored now and I have housework and stuff to do while Tot naps.

I'll update when I come down. Maybe in my personal journal and add it to here.

[LILTEX41]

Thank you for posting this today. I am struggling with my sobriety today as it is warm and the perfect day for drinking after work. The girls at my office were talking about drinking margaritas by a pool and I totally got triggered and started feeling upset. However, reading your journal helps me stay sober. So all I can say to you right now at this moment is THANK YOU!!!!

[Leila]

Liltex, I'm glad it helped! I think when I go back and read this rambling confused addy fueled words while sober, I'll be like "Ew...what the h*ll was my brain doing?"

Yesterday, no real come down as I only took 30mg. I did feel extra annoyed. Hub noticed my exhaustion and said "go lay down" I said "No I wanna be with you guys. I love spending time with my family... I want to be near you guys (aw), I just want you to shut the f*ck up."

LOL

3/23

Got to sleep in today. Took addy as normal. Feel on edge, extra exhausted. I keep getting very dizzy and my vision goes away if I stand up too quickly.

I foolishly thought I might look refreshed since I slept in but I still look more zombie than girl.

Emotions

I'm nervous about talking to Hub about quitting. He's nervous I'll be useless and crazy for a month. We have no family or friends here and I am in charge of keeping the household running and taking care of Tot. Hub works hard and I feel so guilty that my adderall withdrawal will put more stress on him.

Since I woke up late, I have less time to be on addy...i feel like there isn't enough time. I want to push pause. Hub is gonna cook a big dinner tonight (he LOVES cooking). I will pretend to be excited even though I'm never truly hungry. I can't remember the last time I felt real hunger and enjoyed a meal instead of just quik caffeine/sugar rushes.

My thoughts are going quickly. I'm hurrying through all my tasks b4 Tot wakes up. I'm thinking of chores, my business, vacations, playdates, etc. I feel so overwhelmed by it all and so tired...

[lea]

I kept a full electronic journal on the last all nighters prior to quitting -- they are very scary and I read them ALL THE TIME! I say do whatever helps you and as you can see -- it helps others as well.

I think you will find your mind a lot less cluttered once you quit !!

[Leila]

Have to update now cuz I feel very UP and manic and now is a good time to document the crazy.

I'm anxious that Tot will wake up soon. I keep starting different tasks only to get distracted by other ones. I feel almost OCD, like I can't sit down at the laptop until everything is situated *just so*

I woke up feeling well rested! Wow...hasn't happened in forever. Today I took 35mgs... it's 3PM so I know I shouldn't take more but I feel like I'm coming down. That makes me want to take more, but I know logically taking more won't prevent a comedown. it'll just make me feel like crap.

i'm paranoid that Hub is mad at me, but he isn't at all. I worked so hard on the house but I don't feel accomplished and proud afterwards. Just edgy and wanted more *stuff* to do.

I'm scared to quit this weekend and in the months that follow. I don't wanna become socially anxious (or more so) and exhausted and boring.

I have so many cool ideas and I do really cool things. What if I broke my brain and I can only have fun happy thoughts while on addy.... lol, broke my brain sounds funny to say.

oh.... i'm a crackhead.

okay, that's all for now.

~Captain's Log, Stardate 20133230000198

[rick]

Ahh... the craziness of adderall thoughts....

Do I appreciate you writing them down before you quit? Yes, its a good reminder.

It can never just stop. The thoughts are always churning.

Everyday I kept taking adderall was one more day wasted.

[ashley6]

Wow. This brought back so many adderall memories. It felt like yesterday reading this. Just imagine when you can have a calm mind again. Not constantly looking for something to do and being paranoid but just being. That will happen soon after quitting. Just being is a real blessing.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Documenting this is so helpful - both for yourself and everyone else here. Those thoughts are so... familiar. They could have been my own thoughts, really. The paranoia ("my husband is mad at me"), the unnecessary worry about things to the point that they distract from the important stuff getting done (only getting half the groceries because you fixated on getting the wrong shopping cart, rather than just being flexible and using your initiative to solve the problem).

One other interesting thought... there's so much self hatred, negative self talk in there. Really makes me sad. There's no, "Oh well, whatever", there's only, "I suck at this, I am a bad person" type of commentary. That's the way adderall takes our mind and turns it on us. Makes me so angry that I let a pill destroy my ego like that!

[ashley6]

Leila,

I wanted to chime in on the social anxiety issue. I, too, had that hardcore. I began to avoid all public situations that I could, and I started to accept it as a part of who I was, because I have struggled with it on and off my whole life and just thought it was worse than ever. I didn't want to tie it to the adderall. Off adderall- my social anxiety is like a 2 only once in awhile, versus a 9 or 10 on a daily basis with adderall. I think you will be pleasantly surprised to see that it's a major side effect of adderall. Yes, you may still have it, but adderall exacerbates a condition like that that is already present. It's a stimulant. It becomes really obvious when you quit how many of those issues go away. I truly feel your pain on that, and I'm only sharing my story here to give you some hope. I didn't graduate college because I couldn't get myself to take public speaking. Well, I'm taking it now, and guess what? I can even say I kind of enjoy it. This is something to look forward to when quitting

[Leila]

thank you guys. idk why but everytime anyone responds with ANYTHING I get teary eyed and feel some relief...

Today was a blur...the morning was fun, paid a lot of attention to Tot, we played outside a long time, he napped & I painted. But after mid morning I felt very tense. Tot took a while to go down for his nap and I was getting so frustrated- like he wasn't napping at the proper time and it was cutting into my addy time slot...how horrible for a mommy to think those things...

I feel like depression is setting in. Real depression, not just come down stuff. I'm worried about everything from the global economy to my family's health to my marriage to my frickin' closet being organized.

It was BEAUTIFUL out today. After we came in from playing, and I was getting tense while Tot napped I felt uneasy with all the sunshine and fresh air (I opened the windows). For some reason all that good healthy stuff highlighted the sickness & unnaturalness of me on addy. Like I was Gollum from LOTR and I just wanted to hide in a dark cave with my precious.

Hub called and I just felt vaquely mad at him (for no reason) and paranoid he was cheating (he's on a business trip), but mostly I just felt numb. He asked why my voice was so monotone and it's just cuz I was too tired to force an emotion. I know he thinks I'm sad too often. I wish I could at least pretend to be happy so I wouldn't seem like a sad sack around him, cuz THAT'S attractive. I am happy a lot. But I usually see him at the end of the day and by then I'm exhausted. And I guess since I'm close to him I let my guard down.

I'm going to be sure to get out and see some people this week. I know next week will be withdrawal/exhaustion week.

IDK what else to say. I'm glad this journal is helping others too. I hope I heal once I quit. My skin is so gross. My diet is horrible. I don't even know where to start without obsessing over it and bringing back my ED. I know quitting addy is only a piece of the puzzle. I have to eat right and exercise and be outside and be social.

okay that's all i can ramble for now. time to sleep.

I like the part in LOTR where Gollum says "Stupid FAT Hobbit!" lol, okay there I ended on a positive note.

[Leila]

Leila,

I wanted to chime in on the social anxiety issue. I, too, had that hardcore. I began to avoid all public situations that I could, and I started to accept it as a part of who I was, because I have struggled with it on and off my whole life and just thought it was worse than ever. I didn't want to tie it to the adderall. Off adderall- my social anxiety is like a 2 only once in awhile, versus a 9 or 10 on a daily basis with adderall. I think you will be pleasantly surprised to see that it's a major side effect of adderall. Yes, you may still have it, but adderall exacerbates a condition like that that is already present. It's a stimulant. It becomes really obvious when you quit how many of those issues go away. I truly feel your pain on that, and I'm only sharing my story here to give you some hope. I didn't graduate college because I couldn't get myself to take public speaking. Well, I'm taking it now, and guess what? I can even say I kind of enjoy it. This is something to look forward to when quitting

Thank you Ashley! That's encouraging to hear. Congratulations on taking that class and graduating soon! I hope my social anxiety lessens too. I want to be able to connect with people again.

[Leila]

4 hrs of sleep last night. Tried to sleep on only 0.5mg of klonopin instead of 1mg. I rationalized taking my afternoon addy dose instead of napping... needless to say I feel horrible, can't think straight.

I realize I don't have to live in a self made nightmare. You guys are right, addy magnifies all the issues you have. I want to live a normal day and not dread 5pm because that's the hour when the come down begins and it's too late to take another pill. I live everyday with a knot in my stomach wondering if I will take the "Magic" amount of addy to feel alive but avoid the crash. A person should not dread the evening EVERY DAY. It's so depressing to write all this down. It's depressing to realize.

But I'm hopeful because this Saturday will be Day 1 off addy.

Update:

2:45pm

I'm crying and have no idea why. I don't wanna be alive right now. I just want to sleep and when I wake up I get to start all over. I wouldn't EVER actually try to kill myself so no one get worried. I'm just venting. I'm not even coming down, I'm just so exhausted. I'm so far from the person I wanted to be. I have no friends or family near by, and I've tried to make new friends here but it's hard when I'm always exhausted and propped up on adderall/coffee.

I told my family I'm quitting addy cold turkey. My mom didn't reply (email), but later we Skyped and no one mentioned it. One of my family members was gonna come up for a bit and help out but they changed their minds. I know I'll eventually make friends here, but for now I feel really alone. And right this second I feel so exhausted, my heart is racing, I'm lightheaded and I have to keep up with Tot until he goes to bed around 9pm.

I hate catching my reflection. My whole life I've felt like I was dirty or ugly inside and now my outsides finally reflect it. My friends/family say I'm beautiful cuz they love me, but I know I'm not. The last guy I dated- this jerk before I met my husband- I found out he'd been making fun of me behind my back and saying how ugly I was up close because of my skin. That was years ago and it's only gotten worse. I look like a monster I just want to start over. I've wasted so many years and so many opportunities. I don't know why I feel so horrible right now? I guess I'm just tired. I haven't taken too many addy. I only took 30mg today, my normal amount. I just feel so weak right now.

Update, again, like 5 mins later:

I think I'm having an anxiety attack. I feel scared to stand up, and really short of breath. I'm telling myself it's mostly in my head and it's just the lack of sleep + adderall. Hub is away till thursday; I have to be strong for Tot. He'll be awake soon and I'm so nervous I'll faint or have a heart attack and he'll be all by himself! Is that irrational? That's irrational, I'm just very anxious right now. I need to calm down so I don't look upset when he wakes up. this sucks. my kitty can tell I'm upset and he's cuddled up beside me. I wish I was back home I could call my bestfriend and she'd come over.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hey sister.

Hearing your stream of consciousness is such a great reminder for you and others about the horrors of adderall addiction, withdrawal and recovery. Your wide-ranging emotions (most of them negative), your disconnected thought patterns, all the sad stuff you're going through... all those things will slow down, and you will begin to feel like a normal human being again.

I remember about 2 months in to quitting, I was in my therapist's office and I just broke down. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, so much I could barely talk. And all I could say was, "I don't know who I am any more". Over and over and over. She stopped me and looked at me and said, "you're you". I thought she was an idiot. She didn't know this terror in my head, this anxiety, sense of loss. But a few months on and I can say now that I think I know what she's talking about. I am me. Can't describe it, don't really want to. But it nice to know i'm in there somewhere.

You are you. Hang in there, ride the waves. We believe in you!

[Leila]

Thank you Motivation_Follows_Action. I was a bit embarassed after I wrote all that, but I hope it helps remind me & others how yucky adderall can make you feel.

So tomorrow is Day One off Adderall

Hub knows what he's getting into, and has offered to let me sleep in this weekend. He will try to help out during the week but he said there's a lot going on at work and he might have to work really late some days. On the inside I felt hurt- like he was choosing work over me- but I know that's just me being super needy and spoiled, lol. It's not like he can stop working all week. Hopefully after the weekend I'll be okay.

I still have pills left... I can't throw them out... I can't get a new refill without a LOT of effort so once these are gone that's it. If I don't flush them, I wonder if that means I'll relapse? When Hub told me how busy his work week (and even tomorrow) will be for him I was "well should I quit next week? will it be too much for you?" And he wouldn't give me a straight answer. Then he said "I just don't want you to push it back and make reasons not to do it"

Which I was. I'm already forgetting the negative effects, and rationalizing taking it. Thinking if I just got more sleep tomorrow, etc. etc. It's taking a LOT of focus for me to remember the FEELING of being unable to relax and enjoy myself while playing with Tot. That's the worst feeling...when I have to force smiles with him...it's not all day but once the addy wears off I feel edgy and he's little but he can sense it. I need to keep reminding myself of that. That's powerful enough to keep me sober.

Okay, wish me luck this weekend. I probably wont post till Sunday if I'm lucky enough to be lazy and sleep.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Good luck. Just remember how you are feeling is how you are feeling. Forgiveness is the first step of recovery. Ride the waves...

Hope you're getting some sleep!

[Leila]

Four Days without Adderall...today was the 5th day and I popped a 5 mg

So the past 4 days I've been more exhausted than ever. I've been ANGRY. Very angry. Like, I wanna take a sledgehammer to everything angry. I did notice I looked a tiny bit better rested. The days took forever to go by... it's cold & snowy out. And I didn't trust myself to drive so it was just me trying to entertain Tot all day. Looooooong days.

I did watch Dr. Who and read a bit. 2 things that are hard for me to do on adderall. (Watch anything with a storyline & sit still to read)

I felt horrible. Just like this rage inside of me that I had to give up adderall. I hated myself and wanted to SI but I didn't. Anyone/thing I thought about I would find a reason to get mad. Except for Tot. Oddly enough he didn't annoy me at all and that's kinda amazing cuz you'd think a hyper toddler would be the last thing someone withdrawaling from adderall would want but it felt nice to snuggle and play. But my cat annoyed the sh*t outta me.

This morning I was so tired. I still take klonopin at night to sleep and I couldn't sleep last night. I was SO SO tired but couldn't sleep. Anyway, I dropped the baby monitor twice cuz I fell asleep with it in my hand. I justified taking 5 mgs because I was tired... I don't know if i'll even feel anything but I already regret it.

I have like 2 weeks worth of 5mg pills. I can't throw them out. In the past I've flushed pills, thrown them out, kept them around for weeks without touching them and given them away... but i can't bring myself to give these away/throw em out.

Don't tell me that this means I'll keep using them till they're gone because I already know there's a good chance that'll happen.

My dad said not to feel bad and if I need to take a small amount during the begining of quitting than that might be better. That is totally true, as long as I don't up myself back to 30mg a day. So for today, day 5, I'm on 5mg of adderall. And I feel like I just erased all the good I did and all the confidence I was building.

[lea]

You didn't -- not if you can say you learned something. Not to sound like a broken record but flushing them would take such a weight off your shoulders. I read a post today titled "Seriously ..." (Can't remember the full name but it's written by Coach Fran) It's about how easy it is to relapse on this drug even when you've been clean 4+ years!!! (Thanks Coach Fran) And how even when you're not using it your addiction is ravenous. It's scary. Anyway, stay with it and keep posting.

[ashley6]

Leila,

I give you props for coming here and being honest. You haven't ruined it, but it sounds like you're on the fence about whether you're going to stay off of it. I wish there was an easier way to quit, but just going through it and realizing you have to feel like shit to truly recover is what keeps me going. There are no short cuts. I hope you decide to flush like lea said, otherwise it's just a big bottle of temptation sitting there in front of you. Access being cut off was and is very important for me, if not necessary. Keep posting!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Leila,

Every time you "pop" 5 mg you are going back to the starting line. Why are you doing this to yourself!? What you're doing is pure torture to your brain... think about it. Your brain is just starting the process of recovery, just starting to begin to repair some of the damage done and you come along a few days later and undo the beginnings of the good work you have done.

Honestly, I'd rather you just go back on it until you're ready to quit because at least you're not going through a process of repetitive healing then destruction. Your brain was not meant to deal with that amount of shock and change. No wonder you feel all over the place.

I'm sorry if this is a harsh message but I am more sorry you're treating yourself like this. You deserve better, Leila. Do your brain a favor - it's been good to you so far despite the abuse you've put it through! So, what's the plan? Give up or don't, but you gotta have a plan....

[Leila]

So far I've taken adderall 2 days out of 8, and only at a 3rd of my normal dose. I think that's pretty good. Instead of 240mg going into my system over 8 days, only 40mg total.

It's not ideal. A slow controlled taper would be better, or just cold turkey but I'm not there yet.

It was very inspiring to notice my body healing itself. I actually CAN rest and laugh again. I didn't permanetly "break my brain" as I'd feared.

I'm working up the courage to dump the rest of my pills out. Taking 10mg every couple of days isn't the goal, but for now it's a billion times better than where I was.

Not much else to say. I'm focusing on making healthier meals and taking naps. Time goes by slower...and sometimes it's boring, but most times it's just brilliant to have a semi quiet mind and just look around at how beautiful my little life is.

And god I love naps.

Oh, and also I was worried I'd lose some of my creativity or bursts of energy... Once I got through the first 5 days I felt the real me coming back. And I'm WAY more fun then adderall me. I'm still creative and my energy feels real. It's not constant, but when I feel energized by something it comes from an honest place and then fades away naturally into relaxation, not "come downs".

[Greg]

I am glad you are reaching the point where it is all going to stop. After reading so many stories here on this site, I can only say that whether you stay clean or not is going to boil down to commitment to staying clean. And to work your hardest on strengthening that commitment on a daily basis. Because you will be dealing with discomfort fatigue and urges when it's finally out of your system and commitment to staying clean is what is going to get you through it.

Think about it and ask yourself what are you going to do to strengthen your commitment?

[ashley6]

I'm glad you're feeling positive, and I'm glad you've slowed down, but you would be the exception to the rule if you're able to maintain taking it here and there once you've crossed the line into addiction. I really don't believe there are exceptions when it comes to addiction. It's hard to let go, I know, but taking some here and there is only prolonging the quitting process and letting your brain heal. I'm not trying to be a negative Nancy, but I'm giving you my opinion. I hope you find the strength to flush those evil pills. You will when you're ready, but being ready is what it's all about.