Rock Bottom

[Jazzy7]

Just officially hit rock bottom.. Crying and a complete mess. I would have thought rock-bottom would have happened on the medication, not 41 days into recovery. I was supposed to go to this cocktail party tonight with my boyfriend and as much as I wanted to be there I just couldn't.. I've gained so much weight (like 20lbs) my self esteem is beyond low right now. I spend the whole day getting ready, bought my dress, got my make up down and then just completely froze. I didn't want to face all of those people that are so important in his life- who have no idea what is That i am going through. My boyfriend knows and he is supportive he thinks that no one will judge me. I don't know why I care about what they think so much. I am just feeling the lowest I have ever felt. As far as being without adderall I am so happy with that decision and know it is something I will never go back to. I just feel so hurt that I let him down tonight. My make up is all smudged from crying... What should I do. I am feeling so lost.

[lea]

41 days is fantastic !!! Easier said than done but try and keep your eyes on the prize! Depression will come and go, especially as the psychological effects of quitting set in -- but they really are in your head. They will pass and if you can go 41 days off adderall you can tolerate the lows, after all what goes up (your brain on adderall) must come down -- but it won't stay there forever.

Your boyfriend sounds wonderful and so is your attitude about quitting! Just stick it out. Your weight will stabilize, eventually. Have you tried supplements??? Clearly they are not for everyone but for me they have helped. L-tyrosine, atro-phex & yerba mate are the ones I take every day. And then there's the old fashioned method of distracting yourself with higher level interests and endeavors -- easier said than done which will come in time, I'm impatient and for that reason supplements help but seriously, it will be 11 weeks for me this Tuesday and already I am starting to feel glimpses of , dare I say, good moods ??? And it's not from the supplements. Depression is totally normal and it will pass. Crying is good. It will make you a deeper person. Stick it out and keep posting about your journey.

edit -- about feeling lost, my worst depression since quitting comes on the days I see my shrink because I used to take my first med of the day right before my appt, with double shot of expresso & nicorette ... so since quitting I have gotten a lot more out of therapy because I actually go in feeling depressed and not trying to mask it with drugs!

[BeHereNow]

41 days is amazing!! Even if you don't feel it right now ,that is a huge accomplishment and you deserve to take pride in it.

I think that self-confidence is one of the hardest things to build back up after quitting adderall. And I also think it's a huge part of depression, especially post-adderall depression. On adderall, it was fake confidence. But now, our challenge is to build it up for real. This is extra hard because we need to do this while we also simultaneously can't function the way we used to, can't accomplish as much, don't feel as smart or productive or capable, without that crutch. While we have to watch ourselves gaining all the weight that used to stay off so easily with that secret weapon.

Quitting is a roller coaster, and it takes time. It's kind of a harsh truth but you're going to need to ride this one out....the good news is that it WILL pass.

Why not spend some time today doing things that make you happy and make you feel good about yourself? Go for a walk, call a friend....that kind of stuff.

I am finding that interacting with people who don't know about my quitting REALLY helps me to get out of my own head, and out of these funks. Because it forces me not to dwell. It doesn't have to be your boyfriend's friends (that sounds like a high pressure situation anyways), but just chill people you feel comfortable with. Also, intentionally staying really really busy has been helping me fight the blues.

I agree with Lea about supplements, they have been a lifesaver for me! Working out helps..... so does eating really healthy food. (BTW, in the later stages of adderall addiction, some people start gaining weight because your metabolism drops so much from not eating... so if you ever miss it for that purpose, remember that even that benefit goes away.) And even if you have gained 20 lbs..... you'll lose them again eventually. And it's still worth it. At least your mind/body is nourished now, which makes you more beautiful now than you could possibly have been on adderall. This is YOUR journey towards better health. Screw all those stupid beauty ideals. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

[Jazzy7]

Sigh... you guys have no idea how thankful I am to have people who care and understand what I am going through. Just read both replies and teared up. Thank you for the support and encouragement. Yes Lea my boyfriend is wonderful- he is trying so hard to be supportive- but I feel so bad putting so much on his shoulders- I really am leaning heavily on him during this time and I am scared that it is going to eventually tear us apart. He is supportive but he does not understand and can't relate to what I am going through. I did try supplements in the beginning (tyrosine)- and honestly I think it was helping- but I got chest pains from it and from all of the stress and damage I've already done to my heart from the adderall I stopped right away. I'd be interested in checking out some of the others. I have been eating really healthy and exercising every day and slowly the weight is starting to come off (3.5 lbs so far). I would definitely say that eating healthy and exercise have definitely been making a difference, I just need to keep reminding myself of how far I have come and stop beating myself up.

Occasional- I have really been on a roller coaster you are right- I have some days where I feel like I am on top of the world and feel the best I have felt in years and am soooooooo happy without the adderall, and other days where I feel like I can't even get out of bed and don't want to do anything. Today was one of those days- but when I read your post I got up- cleaned up my apartment a bit, took my dog for a walk, and then wrote this post- so thank you for the push!

As far as the self-confidence thing you are right- it's time to build it up on our own. God this is so hard- when so many things just came soooo easy before! I feel like today and this week have been the closest I have come to wanting to relapse- just questioning whether or not I am doing the right thing when everything around me just seems to be falling apart- my self esteem with the weight, my relationship with my boyfriend, people being disappointed with me at work, and just feeling like chores are piling up. I in no way intend on going back to using- I am just frustrated and scared of the unknown.

Just made an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow- really looking forward to sharing all of this with her. She is the one that really gave me the courage to pursue quitting but I haven't got to see her for a few weeks!

Anyway thanks again soooooo much for the support! You guys rock!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Congratulations on 41 days. I bet you think you should be feeling terrific, better, "fixed" by now, huh? Well the longer I'm on this ride the more I am agreeing with other long-timers here that it takes a loooooong time to feel totally normal. It's a very frustrating process. I'm having days like you more often than I would like and I'm over 120 days in.

Hang in there though. Go to a therapist, talk through your issues, but mainly; just accept yourself and this is not a "broken you". It's a sign of getting better. Like InRecovery says, the pain is the arrow coming out, not going in.

[Cassie]

Congratulations on 41 days. I bet you think you should be feeling terrific, better, "fixed" by now, huh? Well the longer I'm on this ride the more I am agreeing with other long-timers here that it takes a loooooong time to feel totally normal. It's a very frustrating process. I'm having days like you more often than I would like and I'm over 120 days in.

Hang in there though. Go to a therapist, talk through your issues, but mainly; just accept yourself and this is not a "broken you". It's a sign of getting better. Like InRecovery says, the pain is the arrow coming out, not going in.

Agree with MFA and just wanted to add that the worst part of my recovery was months 2-4. The first month wasn't that bad for me, because sleeping and not having perpetual anxiety was such a novel experience. It was a relief to let go, to not care. The second month is when reality and depression really set in, and being a tired, confused couch potato isn't so fun anymore, and you want to change that but your brain is at odds with all your intentions and you're like Sisyphus pushing a rock up a hill. It's horrible, but all you can do is just muddle through your obligations, however half-heartedly, until those neural connections come back. During early recovery, you will realize how true that Woody Allen quote is: 70% of life is just showing up.

[HAM]

I've been slowly recovering my self-esteem that had been in the gutter since even before I quit adderall. On adderall, I felt like I was never good enough, almost but not quite. I felt like no matter how hard I worked or how many pills I took, I could never be good enough. Awhile after quitting (its been 3.5 months) I got rejected from graduate school and that was a serious blow to my self esteem. I've been getting back on track because I've been rediscovering the many amazing talents I was gifted with and been practicing things I used to be really good at before adderall- art and music are really good examples. Now I think that adderall was actually supressing many of my talents all along.

You most definitely deserve an amazing boyfriend and try to remember that he's supporting you because he loves you. It isn't a burden to help someone you love through a rough time. Often, I find it to be quite rewarding to be there for friends and family who need love, comfort, encouragement, and support the most.

you can do this!!!!!! You deserve to live an awesome life with loving people all around you.

good luck