Emily's story, bleeeehhh

[moreadventurous]

Hey guys!

First of all, THANK SOME HIGHER BEING that I found this site. I've been trying to talk to the people around me about this process and they just don't get it, they just can't.

Here's my background with this crazy beast, adderall:

I'm currently 21 years old, I began experimenting with adderall when I was 16. I had a friend in my art class who would sell it to me, and I began buying it from him about weekly or bi-weekly. It was dumb, I had no reason to feel that my workload in HIGH SCHOOL was worth taking stimulants. I think I liked it because, at the time, I was obsessed with being thin. It certainly suppressed my appetite, and for years to come.

Soon after this, I began dating someone who was prescribed TWO 30 MG XRS A DAY! Nobody needs that much adderall, so of course, he was doling them out to me almost daily. I felt great, beyond ecstatic, and I was experiencing "first love." My associations with adderall were nothing but positive at this point, I felt happy in this world for once. I had previously been hospitalized for months for an eating disorder, and have had a history of depression and anxiety since childhood. With adderall and my new love, anything and everything was possible. This went on for about 2 years. During this time, my mom and sister were both prescribed stimulants. My sister took Concerta, and my mom took adderall 20 mg xr. I stole pills from them frequently when my boyfriend wouldn't give them to me. I was taking them daily without a prescription.

The next relationship I was in, my significant other also took 30 mg xrs. Though she was not prescribed 2 a day, I often was given them from her and would sometimes even steal. I knew what I was doing was wrong, adderall made me not care at all. I felt bad about myself myself lying and stealing, but the drug was so powerful and made me feel so invincible, I couldn't seem to care enough to stop.

Things began crumbling in my life, for one reason or another. I was cut off financially from my parents at age 19 and kicked out of school, and didn't know what to do. I started depending more on my relationship, and drugs. In addition to taking mass amounts of adderall, I began smoking weed multiple times daily and drinking daily. This pattern still continues years later.

Eventually, I was able to talk myself and my doctor into the lie that I needed a prescription. I began taking 20 mg xrs for a few months. Things were ok, but I stopped feeling anything at all and began taking 2 of the pills a day, so I would need to steal more from the people I loved and who really needed the drug.

I eventually upped my prescription to two 20 mg instant release pills a day. I think this is where all hell broke loose. The instant release began making me feel intense anxiety and paranoia, but at the same time I felt boundless energy. I was nannying when I began this prescription, and although I felt anxiety building, it wasn't enough for me to see a serious problem.

I went back to school a couple months ago, and began taking up to 60 mg of instant release adderall a day. I am 5'3" and 110 pounds, I realized this was too much for my body to handle, but again, I didn't really acknowledge the problem because I didn't want to. I could go to school and still have the energy to party every night, running on 3-4 hours of sleep a night.

I had a stress break, and I began feeling so much anxiety that I forgot how to do ANYTHING normal. I have never felt social anxiety in my life, and all of a sudden I had the most crippling form of it I have ever heard of. Going anywhere in public became too terrifying. Standing in line at the store was a panic attack and a half, driving was so awkward I avoided it (being at stoplights, feeling like everyone was looking at me/judging me), walking down the street feeling the weight of each footstep and having to consciously direct my body so heavily. I began compulsively cutting my once long and beautiful hair. It's now completely gone. I also began to pick at my scabs so much that I have scars all over my arms and legs.

Its been almost 2 weeks since I stopped, the physical symptoms are awful and I am still an anxious mess. However, now i know I am in control and not some drug. I am also attempting to drink less and smoke less, I'm really trying to start over. The anxiety reached a point where I have retreated to my parents house to cry for days, this is not something I do. I'm very tough and self-reliant. I feel like a cry baby and absolutely everything is making me panic. My thoughts are running about a million miles an hour and I'm restless as hell. Some moments are better than others, but for the most part I've been going crazy in my head.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist weekly and reading some self-help books. I'm trying to meditate but my thoughts are very out of control, making it near impossible. I know I have to push through them.

I'm wondering if anybody has the same physical symptoms as me from withdrawal or if they are more anxiety related:

sweaty palms, constant pounding heart, a feeling in my stomach that my internal organs are "shivering", night terrors/talking incessantly in my sleep.

Thanks for reading my probably incoherent story, and I really am hoping that people read this and get help before it's too late.

Any advice is much appreciated. My love and support is with you all, your stories have helped and will continue to help through this hellish struggle.

[sky]

good job on the 2 weeks!!

keep moving forward, things will get better with time. your body and mind will heal and you will feel better and better as time goes on. Life may not get peachy and perfect, but it will be much better without the abuse of adderall thrown in the mix.

While our detox symptoms may not be the same as yours, you can bet that we all went thru our own private hell while quitting and detoxing and redefining ourselves.

Give yourself time, your body time, to purge and heal. Things will get better, just hold on to that thought, you will get to the place where you feel "normal" again.........

[ashley6]

I second Sky. Things do improve, but the only way to heal is to go through it. Your post reminds me a lot of mine when I first quit, and I can tell you there is a lot of good in reaching your own personal hell. It's what motivated me to decide to quit, because I had reached what I felt like was my rock bottom.....that gives you the motivation to realize it's time to let go and start making a better life for yourself. I definitely had some of your withdrawal symptoms. Everybody is different, but if you read through people's posts on here, I think you'll see that what you're experiencing is quite typical in withdrawal. Our bodies got used to being speed freaks, so it will take to regroup. Patience is a virtue anr a necessity in this process. Fight like heck to give quitting number one priority in your life, because it needs to be. And never, ever forget what quitting was like. It will serve as a reminder now and in the future that you never want to go back to that awful place. Congratulations on two weeks! Hang in there.

[Greg]

Congratulations on the quit. You're symptoms sound totally normal. It's probably a combination of anxiety from quitting and also the chemical withdrawal. But you can't expect it to be totally easy right? Otherwise quitting adderall would be a cakewalk and there wouldn't be this site. Hang in there.

[LILTEX41]

Emily,

It sounds like you are doing great. It'll get better. So glad you posted. Just be kind to yourself and don't judge yourself too harshly for any of your behavior right now as it is all still chemical induced really. Think of yourself like the little guy in this video...

[ashley6]

LilTex,

I love the overlaps of that video and what it's like when quitting!

[moreadventurous]

Thanks so much, you guys! LilTex, that video is perfect. Still goin' strong, physical symptoms are subsiding a little bit. Have added yoga into my recovery plan and this is very helpful!! Hope all of you are well