Motivation_Follows_Action Posted April 13, 2013 Report Share Posted April 13, 2013 Just wanted to say that. I am trying to figure out how it started; I think it just is tiredness and trying to absorb too much. But it was hard to get going this morning and I found my mind really wondering in meetings. It was really frustrating to have such horrible brain fog. Just wanted to say that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted April 13, 2013 Report Share Posted April 13, 2013 Aw! Sorry to hear that! (Is it going around again?) That's so frustrating! I guess they creep up on us when we least expect it. At least you know it's just a little dip in the roller coaster. Maybe it was also a case of the Fridays? At the end of the week it's especially tough.....not that that necessarily equals full-on PAWS, but usually Friday afternoons/evenings (and this is true of multiple jobs I've had) I'm absolutely exhausted and have brain fog and feel a little PAWS-y, just done with the week, and either sleep all evening, or sometimes go out early and go to bed early. And on top of all that it's a new job, which probably adds to the fatigue. (On a side note, does PAWS have triggers? Should we start a list of them?) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted April 13, 2013 Report Share Posted April 13, 2013 Sorry to hear that MFA -- I wonder if part of it was like a comedown effect after starting this new position you've been anticipating for so long. It's depressing to have PAWS after making such great progress but this to shall pass and you've certainly shown that to be true before. Get some sleep over the weekend and do NOTHING intellectual, your brain needs rest -- at least you're using it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted April 13, 2013 Report Share Posted April 13, 2013 recovery is not a linear process 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted April 13, 2013 Report Share Posted April 13, 2013 Hey MFA, I really feel for you here. This is something I've been dealing with all semester. A couple times like after my presentation it's been so bad not just brain fog but that I literally start clenching and grinding my jaw trying to simulate the amphetamine experience, and its really hard for me to stop. It happens when I am overwhelmed, not enough sleep, hunger, coffee is also a trigger for me. As you mentioned before, other things including not feeling confidant and anxiety, stress, and also any time I have to sustain mental effort or concentration for a long period of time or absorb new material. I've also noticed a pattern, I clearly get it toward the end of a long day rather than in the beginning. OK. so those are some triggers I'd say to look out for, now you can't avoid all of these triggers. Like coffee you can cut (and so ive totally given up coffee after drinking it a lot earlier in the semester) but you can't just cut out some of these. At first it is distracting, but over time I have sort of learned to compartmentalize it and relegate it to the background of my life so it doesn't get in the way of what I'm doing. I am aware that I am in PAWS but I don't pay attention to it. Another thing is that I am starting to see that I can 'sleep it off' in a lot of cases. Like if I take a long nap when I wake up it is gone! When i go to bed the next morning it is gone! Not all cases but a lot of cases. Rest is a good cure I guess the big thing I've learned when dealing with PAWS is that you can train yourself to get better and better at relegating it to the background and just moving on with your life. And that catching up on rest later on is a great way to deal with it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted April 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 14, 2013 Thanks IR, this is really useful to hear. And all the more respect to you for really learning how to handle paws and knowing yourself really well. I imagine the temptation to relapse during those periods of intense stress and anxiety and exhaustion must have been great. Good on you for staying strong. And thanks for the useful pointers. I will listen to these red flags myself in the future and learn better how to respond in the moment and for the longer term. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted April 14, 2013 Report Share Posted April 14, 2013 Actually with this site... I have built up a no way in hell will I ever relapse attitude thanks to you all. No matter how bad it gets I never want to go back. I think of it as 10 times worse than the worse thing you could think of. Plus I couldn't imagine going back on adderall and then having to go through all this recovery AGAIN! Could you?? Once is already waaaay too much for me. Good for you for staying strong as well! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted April 14, 2013 Report Share Posted April 14, 2013 In Recovery, congrats on 29 months! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted April 14, 2013 Report Share Posted April 14, 2013 And a congratulations to you as well!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted April 15, 2013 Report Share Posted April 15, 2013 It happens when I am overwhelmed, not enough sleep, hunger, coffee is also a trigger for me. As you mentioned before, other things including not feeling confidant and anxiety, stress, and also any time I have to sustain mental effort or concentration for a long period of time or absorb new material. I've also noticed a pattern, I clearly get it toward the end of a long day rather than in the beginning. OK. so those are some triggers I'd say to look out for, now you can't avoid all of these triggers. Like coffee you can cut (and so ive totally given up coffee after drinking it a lot earlier in the semester) but you can't just cut out some of these. At first it is distracting, but over time I have sort of learned to compartmentalize it and relegate it to the background of my life so it doesn't get in the way of what I'm doing. I am aware that I am in PAWS but I don't pay attention to it. Another thing is that I am starting to see that I can 'sleep it off' in a lot of cases. Like if I take a long nap when I wake up it is gone! When i go to bed the next morning it is gone! Not all cases but a lot of cases. Rest is a good cure I guess the big thing I've learned when dealing with PAWS is that you can train yourself to get better and better at relegating it to the background and just moving on with your life. And that catching up on rest later on is a great way to deal with it. Great advice about relegating it to the background......recognizing it for what it is, and moving forward anyways. Here's another one to add to the list of PAWS triggers. Alcohol! I had read that since it's a CNS depressant it tends to contribute to sadness and depression, as well as anxiety, as the body is processing it. I haven't really been drinking lately, my body just has zero interest --I'll have half a drink and toss it. (Earlier in my recovery I sometimes used to mask the PAWS with alcohol and distract myself with friends, going out, etc. Which worked for what it was and helped get me out, but my tolerance was also higher especially after adderall.) Tonight I had 2 glasses of wine with dinner and well, turns out I'm a cheap date. All kinds of self esteem issues and negative thought patterns. Recognizing this, I tried sleeping it off and didn't wake up for over 3 hours (and had some bad dreams I think). Woke up with the anxiety rush of bad irrational thinking: "OH MY GOD WHAT TIME IS IT....why did I just waste all those hours?.........OMG I'm sooo fucked work-wise (almost started wishing for adderall).......what am I gonna do now, I'm too groggy to focus and I'll definitely fuck something up........why did I spend so much money at Rite-Aid today? (started worrying about $$$).........where's my phone?!......(found the phone) OMG how come I have no texts? Its been over 3 hours what does this mean?! (the worst, obviously! hahaha)......wow, looks like I've gained weight since quitting! But I work out so much and eat healthy! is it because I'm 30? Is it all downhill from here?"...... etc. Blah blah blah. Had to take a walk, but it's probably not gonna be fully gone till tomorrow at least. So, like you said IR, there's definitely a life context set of triggers: pressure, stress, being underslept, not feeling confident in general, etc. And then alcohol set it all off. Gosh, what a horrible drug adderall is if it can mess people up emotionally for so long after stopping!!! I've seen alcohol have this effect even on people who aren't in recovery, So it makes sense that it would be worsened in recovery-- especially with all the self confidence that's so hard to build back. EDIT: In hindsight here's how it went down: It WAS already a slight PAWS day. Brain fog, exhausted and couldn't focus. Not stuck in bed, but stuck in that twilight of neither feeling awake nor sleepy. So by dinnertime, I thought a glass of wine would change that headspace and either help me sleep or help me get to work. Instead it just brought ALL the badness out. Lesson: A cheap date I am and a cheap date I shall remain! Anyone else have an experience like this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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