How do I forgive myself?

[Evie25]

How many of you are dealing with actions you’ve made in the past, when you were on Adderall?

Right now I’m feeling intense hatred for myself and sadness. I guess this is what everyone means when they say that things don’t automatically get better simply by quitting the Adderall. My boyfriend just broke up with me last week, and I’m devastated.

I don’t even think we were right for each other, but I feel like I’m clinging on to him for dear life. There were a number of problems, but I can’t shake the feeling that a large part of what lead to our breakup were decisions I made on the Adderall.

I cheated on him several months ago (when I was on Adderall) and cheating is just NEVER EVER something I thought I could do. I was coming down from a nasty crash and wanted someone to talk to...that person ended up being my guy friend and you can guess from there. The guilt is still killing me, as in it’s really hard to function with losing him and knowing that I did something so unacceptable. I don’t want to blame it on the medication, because it was still my action and nothing excuses it. Even right after the cheating happened I resorted to cutting myself because I felt so guilty, so I knew it was wrong. So now I’m left wondering if things I’ve done in the past were even me, and feeling so confused about who I am and decisions I’ve made. I know the best thing is to move on and try to learn from my experiences, but my self-esteem is so low right now that’s hard to do. And yes I’m in therapy-big time

[BeHereNow]

Evie, sorry to hear you're going through all this. I'm definitely sympathetic and I've been through some really bad breakups in my life......I know this must be really hard. My heart goes out to you.

I can relate, you're not alone. Some of my actions on adderall ruined a previous relationship for me. But that relationship, I came to realize, was already not working out, it was meant to end anyway, and that's been a source of forgiveness and moving on. I can't blame the adderall, I blame me, the adderall just brought out issues that were already there. (Now that I'm recovering and living well my ex keeps calling and texting me, interestingly enough.....)

So here are a few things to think about.

You said you don't think you were right for each other. I know it's hard to see now, but usually when people cheat it's because there's something wrong (really wrong) in the relationship, some underlying (or even obvious) issue. Sometimes when people cheat, it's already over...long over, and cheating just seals the deal. You might take some time, by yourself and/or with your therapist, to honestly think through what issues in the relationship--or with you--might have contributed to your decision. That might be a step towards self-forgiveness. Recognize why you did it, and know that there is nowhere to go but forward. Making mistakes, including really big ones, is part of being human. You are not a bad person, but you did make a big mistake. Acknowledge that. Don't let it paralyze you and don't let it be a reason to hate yourself. But acknowledge it. Learn from it. It's a step towards forgiving yourself.

(Now this is the tough love part): You can't expect your guy to forgive you. Don't cling to him. Trust me, clinging to him will only drive him further away. (This isn't based on gender roles, it's true of men and women. Give people the space they need, even if it's permanent and no matter how much it hurts, because if you don't give them that, things can only get worse.) Do whatever it takes to stop calling/texting him. Lock your phone in your car, go out and leave it at home, whatever. Don't contact him. Let him go. (Sometimes, when you let someone go, and focus on YOU and living your own life really well, they come back prepared to work it out. SOMETIMES. People do work things out after infidelities sometimes. But the truth is that often they don't. You never know what might happen in the distant future, but don't hold onto those expectations.) To save yourself the pain of hopes that don't work out, and to avoid pushing him even further away by clinging to him and contacting him too much when he needs space, you have got to let him go. Don't pedestalize him or the relationship, just take a deep breath and let go. Trust me. I know this is horribly painful to hear right now, and even more painful while quitting because you need support right now. But you need to find support elsewhere. Friends, family, etc. (Hang around here for support, it's great.) Whatever it takes. You need to focus on you.

You will have to find a way to forgive yourself if you're going to continue living your life. Acknowledge that you did this, and possible reasons why you did it, and then let it go too. You cannot allow the guilt from this turn into something destructive, which it sounds like it already might be. You need to stop hating yourself and turn that hatred into love for yourself. You can't expect anyone to love you if you can't love yourself.

Focus on living your life, healing, transforming your destructive energies into positive ones. Focus on the better future you have ahead of you, out of this negative relationship and out of the prison of addiction! Live your life well. Stop the negative spiral before it gets any worse. Focus on friends, exercising, eating healthy, healing your mind, doing fun things, work, etc. Date around if it helps and when/if you're ready. Focus on YOU. At this point you have to move forward. I know it's hard to hear. But there's nowhere else to go.

[ashley6]

Evie,

YES! I'm dealing with a lot of this now. I'm sorry you're going through a break up. That's tough, but it's great you're not resorting to adderall to mask your emotions. I blame myself for taking adderall, but I KNOW deep down that the actions and bad decisions I made on adderall weren't me. Adderall changes every aspect of life from our feelings, empathy, thought processes, etc. I think forgiving ourselves is one of the biggest challenges in recovery. I just got out of counseling and discussed an issue that's been eating me alive since I quit. She reminded me that now that I'm seeing life as it really is, not masked by an overload of pills, my perspective is different and feeling guilty is really not beneficial, although a little inevitable, but learning how to accept ourselves and move on is so important. Be proud of yourself for choosing a better life with better decisions and try your best not to focus on what you messed up....what's done is done, but I can tell you I can totally relate to what you're feeling. Hang in there with the breakup.

[Evie25]

occasional01,

Thank you so much for your advice, your words brought me a lot of comfort. Yes, there was something wrong with the relationship for a while, but I think I was overly optimistic. I should have let it go when I knew things were wrong, but I wanted things to work so badly. You are so right when you say that you can't blame the adderall, it just brought out issues that were already there. I think recognizing that I made a very bad choice, and taking responsibility for that is an important part of the process. That regardless of how frustrated I was by the relationship and his behavior, cheating was NOT the way to handle it. And that being a people pleaser and trying to change myself to make someone happy can lead to very bad results.

Right now I'm just going to have to try to get through the day, focus on staying clean, and try to get to the bottom of why I did what I did.

Thanks again!

[Evie25]

Evie,

YES! I'm dealing with a lot of this now. I'm sorry you're going through a break up. That's tough, but it's great you're not resorting to adderall to mask your emotions. I blame myself for taking adderall, but I KNOW deep down that the actions and bad decisions I made on adderall weren't me. Adderall changes every aspect of life from our feelings, empathy, thought processes, etc. I think forgiving ourselves is one of the biggest challenges in recovery. I just got out of counseling and discussed an issue that's been eating me alive since I quit. She reminded me that now that I'm seeing life as it really is, not masked by an overload of pills, my perspective is different and feeling guilty is really not beneficial, although a little inevitable, but learning how to accept ourselves and move on is so important. Be proud of yourself for choosing a better life with better decisions and try your best not to focus on what you messed up....what's done is done, but I can tell you I can totally relate to what you're feeling. Hang in there with the breakup.

Thank you Ashley. I guess I just have to accept the emotional pain and realize that it will eventually get better, right? Right now I just want to numb these intense emotions, but that's partially what leads to my addictive behavior in the first place. Inability to handle my emotions has gotten me into way too many problems. Time to suck it up and deal with it I guess.