The love of my life cheated on me with Addy.

[Pillfromhell]

This is my story.

I met this girl when I was 18 years old, she was a sexy, chaotic, blue eyed woman and when i looked at her i just smiled. For one reason or another we never pursued an intimate relationship but she most certainly she caught my eye.

Fast forward 10 years, I move to Los Angeles, start a new life and never stayed in direct contact with this lovely girl. I occasional asked mutual friends about her but never dug deeper. Every year, I would come home for a holiday visit, this girl would always show up with the rest of my friends. There wasn't a time when I don't remember her not being there. I would hear songs from when I was 18 and have flash backs of this girl but again, never thinking deeper but a smile always came to me face when thoughts of her occurred.

Fast forward another 5 years. This girl is the love of my life. She has been right in front of me this whole time and I never saw it. This girl, is someone I can see myself growing old with, creating a family with and never desiring another soul to lay in bed next to. I feel lucky and grateful to have gotten to know her heart. The love of my life I remember is funny, full of life, full of love and most importantly the best mother on the planet to 2 kids that I love more then anything. She works way too hard, she puts too many expectations on herself and created a life that no super hero could even live up to.

The thing is, I didn't get to propose, I didn't get to marry her, I didn't get to buy a house and settle down with the love of my life because life grabbed her, dealt her unimaginable challenges and she got lost in a world of substance abuse, and her best friend named Addy stepped in, took over and has been running her life for the past 2 years. Do I blame her? Hell no! Do I understand why? I most certainly do.

I know she isn't able to see the big picture right now, I know that this drug has replaced her real feelings, her real self with a version of someone that she doesn't know never mind me. I see these two very different versions of this person and it breaks my heart knowing I can't clear the fog for her just enough for her to trust that life can be manageable again without this drug. She doesn't need to work 60 hours a week, she doesn't need to isolate and shut down her feelings. She can trust that I will walk next to her, taking care of things while she gets centered again. She can count on me to not save her but to be her strength when she needs it. After all, she is the love of my life, till death due us part.

If I had a fantasy, she would move to Los Angeles with me, focus on herself, allow herself the time she needs to heal while we slowly get to know the new versions of ourselves. She wont have the same pressures or need to work endless hours. We are a team, what one can't do in the moment, the other picks up the slack. We can enjoy life's simple pleasures, football games, camping trips, traveling, enjoying a nice meal all as a family. Sounds perfect doesn't it? Yes, its my dream. What if she doesn't like Los Angeles, then what? Well, we move, anywhere once we have worked through and built a stable foundation as individuals and then as a team. Remember she is the love of my life, till death do us part. A town or city won't change how I feel about her. Nothing will and the past 2 years of pushing and pulling has proven that I won't give up on her.

So, yes, this is my story of love, lost love, despair, hope, faith and fantasy and all along competing with her best friend Addy.

What's keeping me from living my dream? The love of my life won't choose a healthy lifestyle, she has chosen a life that allows her to forget, be numb and is lied to daily by this drug that life is better when she is on it. This drug is her best friend, that she believes will never leave or hurt her. But what she doesn't see is that her best friend is stabbing her in the back every day of her life. Brain washing her into believing that she needs this best friend to survive, to work hard to pay the bills, to have fun is only when Addy is around, to not feel pain of the past. While the years speed by, her best friend isn't pointing out that she is incapable of growing, incapable of connecting, incapable of true love, incapable of being the person she really is, incapable of just enjoying the small simple pleasures life has to offer.

I've been robbed of the love of my life over a back stabbing best friend who really has no interest in her as a mother, as a partner, as a friend, as a sister and as a daughter. What can I do to help? Nothing, sit back and have faith that she catches a glimpse of her old self in the mirror and realizes she wants to start feeling life again. How long will you hold on for the love of your life? I'm not sure, I've recently been losing hope that she even has the small occasional desire to dump her best friend but just when I'm about to give up, my faith kicks in and I believe that the love of my life is still in that shell of a person she is portraying today.