a 20-something year old's journey off adderrall

[CTgirl316]

I felt such a range of emotions as I searched through my g-mail inbox for “rx†or “prescription†and there they were – the dozens, maybe hundreds, of e-mails that I sent my psychiatrist over the past 4 years. These e-mails contained every excuse in the book – I lost my script, I left my bag with meds on vacation, the dog ate it, (yes I seriously used that one), etc. As time elapsed, the frequency of these e-mails increased from once a month to three times a month. As did the dosage – from 10mg a day to 60 mg a day. Of course, given the frequency in which I was getting the prescriptions filled, that meant I was really taking closer to 150-175mg a day. I never counted though.

I have been off Adderall for four months now, yet, up until a couple months ago, in my head I had try to convince myself I wasn’t an addict. How could I be? Addicts looked like addicts. I didn’t look like an addict. I had always been told that I had that “girl next door†look. I was a good kid growing up and never got into drugs. I was successful in athletics, in the classroom, and at work. I came from a good family. I had never done anything illegal. How could I possibly be an addict? I told myself, if I wanted to control my Adderall consumption, I could have. Sure, I’ll get “clean†for a while but then I can always start taking Adderall again at the prescribed dosage.

It all began five or so years ago (I am 28 now); Following graduation from college, I began a career in finance that was accompanied by a very demanding work schedule. At some point, I felt like I wasn’t keeping up. I couldn’t work from 8am – 11pm. I was tired. I needed something just to give me a little boost so I turned to Adderall. As I mentioned, it began with 10mg a day – prescribed by my internist. That was the only prescription she would write as I shopped around for a psychiatrist. Needless to say, I found the “golden ticketâ€; he’d leave prescriptions in his mailbox, write 3-4 a month, etc. On those days when I did go in for an appointment, we’d meet for 10-15 minutes and we talked about politics or movies. I’d dictate the amount and dosage to him as our discussion was coming to an end. I could go on and on about this psychiatrist and his willingness to do these things for me if the price was right. On so many levels, what he did was wrong and only helped facilitate my growing addiction. Do I think he knew just how bad it was? No. Do I think he was old and a bit senile? Yes. Did I take advantage of him? Without a doubt. But at that time, it all seemed ok.

I was looking for that “golden ticket†and I found it with him. As much as I’d like to point my finger at him and blame him for aiding my addiction and putting my life at risk; I was the one who lied to him – everything from why I needed a new prescription to putting on a façade each week that life was great and I was completely healthy. I didn’t want to lie but I did; it seemed so harmless at the time…it became routine. I never did anything illegal and always thought I was the “life of the party†and excelling at work and life. Adderall was so accessible – which only fueled my cravings for more and more as time progressed. It’s funny because in some regards, I knew what I was doing wasn’t right but that was clouted by what an addiction does to you; somehow I blocked those thoughts out and told myself, it was ok..I wasn’t doing anything wrong – this was just a part of my life now.

Fast forward….My final crash came this past January while I was home at my parents. I had planned to live at home for a few months before I moved and went back to graduate school. This crash was horrible – to the point where I was trembling and having cold sweats at night. I screamed and cussed at all those around me. I was nasty and angry. I was out of Adderall…

To appease my parents, I said I would stop taking Adderrall…I didn’t want to and wasn’t really going to but given how horrific I had acted during these crashes, I could at least play along. With their support I began seeing a “good†psychiatrist to help me get off Adderall. Our first meeting was dismal to say the least. He said I was an addict. He wanted me to hand him my bottle of adderral (that was in my purse at the time) and call my former psychiatrist and tell him not to give me any more Adderall. I got angry and irritable. I was not an addict. I could take 3 or 4 a day if I wanted to. I had never tried to control it so if I just tried, I’d be okay. I wasn’t ready to begin the process so I didn’t. I went home and kept popping the Adderral…until I was out again.

I can’t say with a straight face that I wanted to get off Adderral but I knew I needed to….it wasn’t “rightâ€; And by right, this had nothing to do with morals, but, rather, what Adderral was doing to me and my life wasn’t right. I had finally acknowledged it and so two weeks later I went back to the pyschiatrist to try again – taking my last Adderall that morning. He told me what the process would entail; I would take vivance for five days, then an anti-depressent, and then we would go from there. I was scared. It was really happening. I wish I could say I was ready to confidently embark upon this journey but I was sad and nervous. Yet, somewhere deep down, I knew I had to keep going…

The psychiatrist gave me a five day supply of vivance, which I managed to finish in a day and a half. I called when I ran out and explained that I needed more..I couldn’t function. But he refused. I was angry. How could I get threw a weekend visiting friends from college? I could barely get out of bed. I called back again and he refused again. It was my choice to take a five day supply in a day and a half. My choice? Something about that resonated…for the first time in a very long time, I began to take ownership of my actions.

Given the amount of adderral I had been consuming, I fought an uphill battle to say the least. But I made it…

For those trying to get off, I can’t tell you how important it was for me to have someone guide me in a safe detox program. It sucked. I will not sugarcoat that. The physical and mental obstacles I faced in the first few days were horrible. I wanted to call my “old†doctor up and get a prescription filled. No one would ever know. I told myself I’m an adult and what’s the harm. The physical symptoms lasted a solid two weeks – maybe more – and even then I still felt lethargic.

Getting your body back to not being high is weird; it’s a mental game just as much as a physical. I think about Adderall sometimes but deep down, I truly have no desires to go back. I tell myself sometimes that I could take it at the prescribed amount. That is the addict speaking. Because I can’t. And I don’t want to go through what I went through again – including being on Adderall and getting off Adderall; it was a painful process for not just me but my family. I still miss the high sometimes and being “on†all the time but then I just think of all that I lost and remember the person I had become – paranoid, an insomniac, constantly on edge, angry, controlling, insecure, overly emotional. Adderall took so much from me….a job, boyfriend, etc.. It put people I love through hell. It took a physical toll on me. I can go on and on. I didn’t know it at the time but I had completely lost “meâ€.

Flash forward to today. It’s been four months and I feel normal again. I am incredibly happy….something I never thought would be possible without adderral. I can’t tell you the difference getting off has made in my life and at the very least, I hope my story may help someone else get started. It is worth any battles you endure on the way – I promise you that.

[lea]

This is a very inspiring story! Welcome and please keep us posted.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thank you for sharing your journey through hell and to a new place. 4 months is no small amount of time, when every day is a milestone during recovery. The fact you did it all yourself is a testament to your strength and I commend you for knowing yourself well enough to know this had to be a final push for you.

Congratulations on your quit and welcome to the forums. I would like also to think that addiction is behind me but in fact I know it is in front of me, every day; and it is only when I let it get behind me that I forget the power it has had on me and I'm tempted to relapse. Relapse takes very little effort. Staying off takes a lot.

[ashley6]

I can relate so much to your story. I'm also 28. Congrats on your quit and staying strong knowing that life really isn't life at all while abusing adderall. It's sounds like you have a high resolve and truly understand the power of your addiction, and those are two very, very important qualities for staying quit. Welcome to the boards...keep coming back!

[CTgirl316]

Thank you!! This is a great forum and I'm so happy to have found itl

[StartingOver3]

A. Maz. Ing. I love it. I don't even know you, but that is the beauty of these forums and this website: we can all connect and relate to each other on some level.

I am working on my 7th month of sobriety, and I've gotta tell you, life is awesome. 4 months is a big deal, and in my opinion, you're over the big hump, which is all mental. Sure, some days have failure written all over them, but we both know that adderall isn't an option anymore. Life is meant to be experienced in all of its glory and shortcomings. I commend you on your efforts, and really enjoy your style of writing. I can tell you are in this for the long haul, and that you understand the importance of staying clean. Well done, ctgirl, well done...

Tom

[Sebastian05]

Congrats on quitting! Its not a fun or easy road. What anti-depressant were you put on? Are you still on it? Did you fall into any depression after you had quit adderall? Im curious to know because I'm on my 5th month of being done with damned adderall, but still fighting through some depression.

[CTgirl316]

Hi Sebastian,

Thanks for your note and congratulations to you, too! 5 months is awesome! I have been taking Wellbutrin for a few months now. I do have some pretty significant attention issues so the Wellbutrin helps with that as well as combatting depression. It's technically an anti-depressant but it's been described to me as the "adderral for addicts". It's nothing like adderral - no high, completely non-addictive, etc. but it seems to help mildly with my attention issues and even more so on the depression front. Initially, my doctor prescribed Prozac but for whatever reason that really did not agree with me and it also was not helpful with respect to attention issues. I would caution you re Wellbutrin, however, if you have any pill-popping issues...which I didf. When I initially started taking Wellbutrin, I would take more than was prescribed thinking that I would eventually get to that adderral high. This was highly dangerous because above a certain dosage (600 or 900 mgs a day....which is only a couple pills if you're taking the 300mgs) it is known to cause seizures. Anyway, once this set in, and I realized that taking more wasn't ever going to get me to that high - only put my life in danger - I stopped. In some regards, this was another sobering - yet important - realization in my journey off adderral. I have been taking the prescribed amount (600 mgs day) for months now and really think it has been beneficial in helping with the depression and attention issues.

The other medicine that I have been taking is zonisamide; Technically, this was approved by the FDA to treat seizures but it is also a very effective drug (for some people) in treating cravings. I also think this has been very helpful for me as I don't seem to think about adderral too often and more importantly, have any burning desires to go back on it. Yes, occasionally, I remember how fun and good it felt to get high but not too often and really think this drug has been helpful in combatting any temptations.

Anyway, hope this helpful. What have you been taking?

[Sebastian05]

i stopped taking it about 5 months ago and that was that. i started up on some supplements, but nothing else. It has been so so so so so hard. I was only on 10-20mg a day (for about four and a half years). Lots of kind people on this site have encouraged me to start my script of Wellbutrin. i got a 7 day supply of 150mg XL and then i'm supposed to boost to 300mg XL after that. But here's the thing. Every day i battle and battle and just hope the depression will eventually lift.

I'm just so scared of getting on another medication that could cause me to get hooked. The Docs always say "yeah sure. just start taking it and once you feel better, you can ween off."

Is that the truth though? They said the same about adderall, and it wasnt very true there. I just want to be medication free and not take anything....the scary part about that is that the best i'd ever felt in my life was when I was on adderall, but I just don't think its something that can be taken forever......so thats why i get worried about the wellbutrin.

what has your doc told you about wellbutrin? i'm surprised you're on such a high dose (600mg). i thought the highest recommended dose was 450mg.

Anyways, i'm very conflicted and don't know what to do. My shrink is kinda a jerk and a drug pusher and i dont really trust her and i'm scheduled to see a really good primary doc in about a month's time.

i have no idea where to go from here and just hope I'm eventually going to be okay.

[CTgirl316]

My doctor prescribed wellbutrin because it is non-addictive. I am not addicted to it and have no concerns that I ever will become addicted to it. Its just not the nature of the drug. And that's not just my doctor speaking, its my body. I needed adderral to get out of bed in the morning. I craved adderral - enough was never enough. There was such a rush , a high with adderral. If I didnt take it, I would have physical withdrawal symptons. I couldn't go a day without taking it - or even a morning, afternoon or night for that matter. Even on vacation - siting on The beach without a worry in the world - I needed adderral to function. My life was miserable on days I didnt have adderral and I would go to all means to get a new script filled. Me too wanted to believe that I could just ween myself off adderral - but that wasn't possible. It is addictive. Just like some people can do cocaine recreationally, some people can take adderral recreationally. They aren't addicts...they aren't us. For whatever reasons, we are the ones who become addictive to adderral - a drug that doctors are increasingly acknowledging as addictive.

There are no comparisons with Wellbutrin. Admittedly, this was a disappointment at first. I kept thinking that high would come...but there is no high. There is no rush. There is also no dependency. I forget to take Wellbutrin some days. I don't "need" it. They said you shouldn't just stop taking anti depressants but there are days I don't take it...even weeks, for example. I forgot to bring it on a recent trip to the Caribbean. That never would have happened with adderral. Admittedly, On a day to day basis, I can't tell any difference when I do take wellbutrin....but I know that it has been critical to helping me combat depression and help me focus to some extent (but not like adderral...where you are ultra-focused, blabbing a mile a minute, etc).

I am not one to self medicate. I don't even take Advil or Tylenol when I have a headache. I am in general not a big believer in taking medicine unless you absolutely need to. For that reason, in time, I will probably go off wellbutrin - but right now - it's not a priority.,... Maybe it's perceived effectiveness is partially psychological... But regardless of the reason, it's helping and I am not addicted to it or fear that I ever will be.

Like you, my adderral addiction frightens me; I never want to get addicted to it or anything again...so I stay away from those drugs that have addictive tendencies. For whatever reason, I've always wanted to try cocaine - just to see what all the hype is about...the rush that everyone talks about. But I can't, I know I can't. I'd be right back where I was four months ago.

I know that this recovery is going to be a long process but if I can find take something to make it a little easier - something that my body wont become dependent on - I am going to....at least for now!

[ashley6]

Well said CTgirl. I completely agree with you and your thoughts on antidepressants. I just find adderall and antidepressants can't even be put into the same arena. I'm not saying everyone should take antidepressants, but for those who struggle with depression, like myself, and you in your quitting....they can be very helpful. After 3 or 4 months into quitting I was in the darkest of depression, which I knew a good portion of that came from quitting, but I knew it was deeper than that, and I felt like I couldn't get through the major slump I was in, because to me it was deep rooted. Starting an anti-depressant helped immensely, and I don't know if I could've continued my quit without getting a portion of my brain functioning....even just a little bit. I'm rambling here, but I thought your post was spot on. That's all

[Sebastian05]

thanks CT and Ashley. CT, just so you know, Ashley is a really great supporter here on this site and has always been very helpful to everyone. Ash, i know that for a while now you've been an advocate of going on an anti-depressant. One of these days im just gonna crack and have to start taking it probably. I'm just really trying to hold off, but maybe this is foolish of me. What anti depressant were you on and how long were you on it and at what dose? was it hard for you to get off?

Sorry if you've already answered this before. I'm really trying to figure out my next steps. I'm on my 5th month of not having taken any adderall and its just been so hard. I'm not sitting here craving it....I'm just pooped out and anxious and depressed.....I ran 6 miles on saturday and 6 on sunday...took yesterday off and i'll run another 6 today....but i'm just really missing the part of me that used to be positive and excited about life.

[CTgirl316]

Thx, Ashley!! Appreciate your support! I'm new to this but it's already apparent that you're a great resource and support network for people on this site!