Am I just lying to myself?

[weathers2284]

I know this is an adderall forum but I couldnt find a forum like this for my drug of choice which is Ritalin. I figured they have similar psychological issues as regards to addiction. The stories I read are very similar to mine as far as symptoms are concerned.

What I'm posting about is part of my story but also a question am I lying to myself? What it is, is that I keep going in and out of thoughts on wether or not I have an addiction to Ritalin.

I have been on Ritalin since my junior year of college in 07 and have had a love/hate relationship with it. I remember first taking it and thinking this is it this is what I've been missing out for my whole life. Everything vibrant, things were enjoyable again. I was engaged in long conversations with people. I felt like a better person on it.....until it wore off. When it wore off I felt like utter crap, irritable, skin crawling, depressed..etc.

I still took it throughout the years stopping once for about 5 months only to go back on it. The thing is though horrible comedowns stopped happening and I felt kinda in control of the Ritalin. I could take as much as I wanted and not have to shudder the awful crashes. This feeling of empowerment lead me to binge a lot the past two years. I got prescribed "max" dosage according to my psych of 60mgs a day...which I think she just made it up. But the 90 20mg tabs I would take would be gone in less then a week and I would snort everyone of them. This has been going on for two years.

The reason I question whether I'm addicted is that when my supply runs out I feel like crap a couple weeks then the last week feel ok not good but just blah feeling. I then finally hit the magical day and go to the doctor to only screech my tires as I race to the nearest cvs to fill my script. So if I'm really addicted wouldn't I be chasing after the drug illegally after my supply runs out? Or seeking other drugs?

It just feels like I feel like myself for one week out of every month and think to myself yeah I feel like crap but I know the doctors appointment is only 10 days away.

I've also noticed that I've lost all motivation in life and don't enjoy music and movies like I used to...is the Ritalin causing this? Am I considered an addict?

If I quit using when will life feel like normal? Its been so long since I've never felt what its like to be not on Ritalin that if I quit when do you know you've beaten it? will life always feel dull? Sorry for long post I've just been gaining enough courage and motivation to actually post.

[ashley6]

Welcome to the forum. It's not my place to judge whether someone else is an addict or not, but reread your post. You're taking your monthly dose in a week, you go on benders during that time, you "screech your tires," when it's time to get your prescription. The way you described how you felt when first taking it is exactly how I felt. I thought I could conquer the world, and this false sense of well-being and euphoria is what kept me going for 7 years...until it didn't anymore, and I knew I needed to change. I commend you for posting here, and it sounds like you know the answer to your own question. I also used to get by when I flew through my prescription for awhile until I didn't want to do that anymore, so then I started supporting my habit in other ways. I'm not trying to scare you, but I want to be pretty blunt, in that you're exhibiting lots of tell tale signs of addiction. How has this affected you socially, mentally, physically? How have your relationships been affected? The highs and lows of stimulant abuse don't lend themselves well to leading a simple, happy life. I know others will chime in. You've found the right place!

[weathers2284]

I used to be an outgoing person easy to make friends anywhere but after college where I had tons of friends I moved to a new state and am now very introverted. When I'm high on Ritalin like when I get resupplied the first two days are great I feel like I want to talk to anyone then it sets in. I don't want to be bothered bc I haven't slept in two days but still popping a pill every 2 hours. I become introverted and tend to just play video games or surf the web. Then when I'm out of Ritalin I crash and definitely then don't want to do anything social until I'm resupplied....so technically two days a month I feel sociable the rest is a Ritalin Haze. I mind you too I was on antidepressants for anxiety before Ritalin and still am on one now but I always thought my blah feeling and losing interest in things I once enjoyed must be due to the antidepressants or depression. Have you ever reached a point where nothing is interesting after a long bout with adderall?

[quit-once]

What I'm posting about is part of my story but also a question am I lying to myself? What it is, is that I keep going in and out of thoughts on wether or not I have an addiction to Ritalin.

So if I'm really addicted wouldn't I be chasing after the drug illegally after my supply runs out? Or seeking other drugs?

I've also noticed that I've lost all motivation in life and don't enjoy music and movies like I used to...is the Ritalin causing this? Am I considered an addict?

If I quit using when will life feel like normal? Its been so long since I've never felt what its like to be not on Ritalin that if I quit when do you know you've beaten it? will life always feel dull? Sorry for long post I've just been gaining enough courage and motivation to actually post.

Lots of questions. Let's look at them one at a time:

If you believe you are not an addict then you are lying to yourself.

You do not have to chase the drug all the time to be an addict. You are a binge user. You like it that way, because you get the full effect of the drug each and every time you start up again after your "time off". I was an adderall binge user for about seven years - always taking at least three days off between my weekend benders. I became a daily abuser for another two years and then I quit about two years ago. Given enough time and enough pills, you, too, can become a daily user. If you continue your pursuit of ritalin, the withdrawl periods will become increasingly painful until you start seeking more pills by doctor shopping or other illegal means in order to avoid those painful crashes. Or you might even look for harder stimulant drugs or illegal drugs like meth.

Yes, the speed is turning you into an emotionless zombie who only wants to take more speed until it is gone. You have a ritalin addiction and it is fucking up your life.

You will begin to feel glimpses of normal life after about three months of total abstinence from ritalin. Life will feel mostly dull through your withdrawl period and into early recovery. It will probbably take about a year or so to feel normal most of the time.

You know you have beaten it when you are no longer consumed by thinking about how great it would be to go back on it. You also know you have beaten it when you tell yourself you are finally fucking done with that awful addiction. If you are lucky, that will happen before you actually quit taking the pills.

I hope you can come up with a plan for quitting ritalin. Sounds like you kinda need to but you are still coming to terms with your addiction. Good Luck!