get me OFF this freakin' rollercoaster!!!

[sarahCaKes]

So, I don't even know where to begin? I need help and know it, but am reluctant to give it up. Does this sound familiar? In fact, I don't want to at all.....but things are only getting worse, and I feel like I am at war with myself....every...fucking..day.

It all started in high school. I tried it. I loved it. The only way to get it was to steal it from a brother of a friend without anyone knowing. This went on for maybe two months and I don't even think I cared when I couldn't get anymore. I guess then I just moved on to something different. I mean high school was just a joke to me, I only cared about getting high, and didn't care where the high came from. Needless to say, my mother caught on and I got a lovely two week vacation in a traumatizing rehab for teens. For some reason, after I got out of there, I had no desire to touch drugs. I was scared to death of even being around drugs or people that did them because I never wanted to go back to such a place. I ended up starting college, working three jobs and staying busy. Everything was fine. I found a great guy, moved out, had a kid and stayed in school. It was when I started nursing school that shit spiraled out of control again.

I met a girl in school that just happened to take adderall xr-25mg. We became best friends really fast and I was constantly staying with her or she was staying over with me, just to study. Things were great at first, we had fun and were doing great in school. Soon though, I may have asked or she may have offered, I began taking one of her pills...'just to stay up and study all night.' Except those nights were always a blast, studying happened, just in between the breakdancing, talking, 30 minute cigarette breaks, doing hair and nails, drinking mountain dew and having the best time ever. I had never felt anything like it. That was the best high ever. I could do anything. Nothing seemed difficult or boring. I was so incredibly focused but partying at the same time. It was incredible. Honestly. I wish I could get that high again, but I can't. And my dilemma now is....that I cant stop chasing it.

Eventually, she began to run out way too fast. So, I thought it was a great idea to go out on my own, find a dumb doctor, and get it myself. I needed it. I couldn't depend on someone to give it to me. So I did. And believe it or not, the dumb doctor did it. All I said was, "Hey, I am in school, I cannot focus, I have too much to do." He said, "Okay, try this." Adderall 10 mg twice daily. What??? It was too easy. But damn, those little blue IR's were the love of my life.

This was four years ago. I have moved, switched doctors and still continue to get adderall. The new doctor did not even request my old medical records from the previous place. The new doctor even said, "Wow, you are on a very low dose, is it working?" Was she serious? Okay then, this was just another chance to get that more intense high I've been chasing. "No doctor, it is not, I think I need something stronger, its just not effective." So, vyvanse it was. I took vyvanse for about four months, up to 40 mg. However, because I'd run out in a week or two early, I would go back in the middle of those months and tell them it wasn't effective--and bam, another prescription for just another few mg higher. But I think since I was chasing that high from so long ago, I had convinced myself that I needed to go back on good ol' adderall. The doctor said okay and there it was again.

I got pregnant again somewhere in between all this madness, and had to stop taking adderall for the first time since I began getting it on my own. It was the worst ten months. As soon as I delivered, I called the doc and there it was....again. I was convinced I was a better parent, better wife, better student (back in school again to get my RN, after getting my LPN), better person in general. Life was still good.

Here is the corker. After receiving my LPN, my husband saw how motivated and driven I was. He wanted that too. He occasionally took a few of my pills and we were the most productive and active people on the planet. A team of superheroes. So, eventually, he went to the same doctor as I did and what do ya know? He got his very own script of Adderall XR 20 mg! Score!! I would take his, he would take mine. We'd have a pretty good supply, but still, we'd run out two weeks before refills!!! The agony. Those two weeks were the worst. Fatigue, irritability, the unrelenting need for 'just one more!'

So this is where we are. We are on this rollercoaster that seemed pretty fun at first, but now I am tired and ready to get off. I will never ever be able to catch that high that started all of this. And honestly, I am tired of failing at it. I have been up too long, for too many nights, having taken too many of them damn pills and suffered the horrific come down off of too much. It is terrible.

And more recently, the guilt. The guilt is probably the worst. I feel like a terrible mother, but am more fearful of the terrible mother I might become without the adderall. Now, I feel as though I am constantly doing things with my kids, they are my world, I love them so much and cant stand the thought of being too tired or worn out to play with them. Then, my husband. I am a terrible wife for getting my husband hooked on drugs! The guilt of this is overwhelming. If something happened to him while taking these....I dont know what I'd do. Then, my job. I cherish nursing. But damn, I am hypocrite. I am taking for granted something that has always been my dream.

I keep justifying this drug. I keep thinking that I am simply better because of it. I do my best when taking it. I do a good job at work and am constantly being complimented for my 'happiness and great attitude' all the time. But I strongly feel that this is just the drug, and the real me would be dragging at work, and probably too tired to smile. I justified adderall by convincing myself that I am just enhancing my quality of life. But it is now that I am realizing how out of control this 'addiction' has become.

Alcohol is beginning to fill the void in between scripts. I am drinking alone, at night, when everyone is asleep. It is a secret, but it has become a problem. I know that if it wasn't a bad thing that I wouldn't try to keep it hidden. I am a mess. I dont even know where to start. I hope someone can read this and know what I mean, and hope I can make them feel a little more less.....alone.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

It's an interesting stream-of-consciousness you write about, and many of us have felt this way as well. How are you doing now and do you have a plan to quit?

[sarahCaKes]

I have actually gone to a counselor. And it just so happens that this particular counselor is affiliated with the doctor who writes my scripts. I am not sure if it would be a breech of confidentiality for him to tell my doc what Ive told him, but I am going to go ahead and assume he has or will. This has prevented the urge to go back and get more. I am down to the last pill today and am completely fearful of my days ahead. I have also gone to a NA meeting and this has helped. I am worried that I will get those desperate feelings of finding something/anything to get through the day, resorting to buying/finding some kind of stimulant. However, I am just going to take it day by day. Thats all we can all do. Thanks so much for your post!

[ashley6]

Being fearful of the days ahead is a completely natural feeling when quitting. It's a scary place to be, but it's a journey worth the pain and fear. It's great that you have a support system: counselor, NA, this site. Most of us here have been in that dark place, but now we see the other side and see it's worth it. It's not easy. I'd be lying if I said it was, but it's worth a more simple, happier life. For now, taking it a day at time is all you have to do. Best wishes and keep posting!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Day by day is a great strategy. In fact, it is kind of the only strategy. In the early days for me anything beyond "wake up today and move from the bed to the couch" was beyond my comprehension. I hope you have some time to rest and not demand too much of yourself... thanks for coming back, please post on here as often as you need/want.

[ally]

So, I don't even know where to begin? I need help and know it, but am reluctant to give it up. Does this sound familiar? In fact, I don't want to at all.....but things are only getting worse, and I feel like I am at war with myself....every...fucking..day.

It all started in high school. I tried it. I loved it. The only way to get it was to steal it from a brother of a friend without anyone knowing. This went on for maybe two months and I don't even think I cared when I couldn't get anymore. I guess then I just moved on to something different. I mean high school was just a joke to me, I only cared about getting high, and didn't care where the high came from. Needless to say, my mother caught on and I got a lovely two week vacation in a traumatizing rehab for teens. For some reason, after I got out of there, I had no desire to touch drugs. I was scared to death of even being around drugs or people that did them because I never wanted to go back to such a place. I ended up starting college, working three jobs and staying busy. Everything was fine. I found a great guy, moved out, had a kid and stayed in school. It was when I started nursing school that shit spiraled out of control again.

I met a girl in school that just happened to take adderall xr-25mg. We became best friends really fast and I was constantly staying with her or she was staying over with me, just to study. Things were great at first, we had fun and were doing great in school. Soon though, I may have asked or she may have offered, I began taking one of her pills...'just to stay up and study all night.' Except those nights were always a blast, studying happened, just in between the breakdancing, talking, 30 minute cigarette breaks, doing hair and nails, drinking mountain dew and having the best time ever. I had never felt anything like it. That was the best high ever. I could do anything. Nothing seemed difficult or boring. I was so incredibly focused but partying at the same time. It was incredible. Honestly. I wish I could get that high again, but I can't. And my dilemma now is....that I cant stop chasing it.

Eventually, she began to run out way too fast. So, I thought it was a great idea to go out on my own, find a dumb doctor, and get it myself. I needed it. I couldn't depend on someone to give it to me. So I did. And believe it or not, the dumb doctor did it. All I said was, "Hey, I am in school, I cannot focus, I have too much to do." He said, "Okay, try this." Adderall 10 mg twice daily. What??? It was too easy. But damn, those little blue IR's were the love of my life.

This was four years ago. I have moved, switched doctors and still continue to get adderall. The new doctor did not even request my old medical records from the previous place. The new doctor even said, "Wow, you are on a very low dose, is it working?" Was she serious? Okay then, this was just another chance to get that more intense high I've been chasing. "No doctor, it is not, I think I need something stronger, its just not effective." So, vyvanse it was. I took vyvanse for about four months, up to 40 mg. However, because I'd run out in a week or two early, I would go back in the middle of those months and tell them it wasn't effective--and bam, another prescription for just another few mg higher. But I think since I was chasing that high from so long ago, I had convinced myself that I needed to go back on good ol' adderall. The doctor said okay and there it was again.

I got pregnant again somewhere in between all this madness, and had to stop taking adderall for the first time since I began getting it on my own. It was the worst ten months. As soon as I delivered, I called the doc and there it was....again. I was convinced I was a better parent, better wife, better student (back in school again to get my RN, after getting my LPN), better person in general. Life was still good.

Here is the corker. After receiving my LPN, my husband saw how motivated and driven I was. He wanted that too. He occasionally took a few of my pills and we were the most productive and active people on the planet. A team of superheroes. So, eventually, he went to the same doctor as I did and what do ya know? He got his very own script of Adderall XR 20 mg! Score!! I would take his, he would take mine. We'd have a pretty good supply, but still, we'd run out two weeks before refills!!! The agony. Those two weeks were the worst. Fatigue, irritability, the unrelenting need for 'just one more!'

So this is where we are. We are on this rollercoaster that seemed pretty fun at first, but now I am tired and ready to get off. I will never ever be able to catch that high that started all of this. And honestly, I am tired of failing at it. I have been up too long, for too many nights, having taken too many of them damn pills and suffered the horrific come down off of too much. It is terrible.

And more recently, the guilt. The guilt is probably the worst. I feel like a terrible mother, but am more fearful of the terrible mother I might become without the adderall. Now, I feel as though I am constantly doing things with my kids, they are my world, I love them so much and cant stand the thought of being too tired or worn out to play with them. Then, my husband. I am a terrible wife for getting my husband hooked on drugs! The guilt of this is overwhelming. If something happened to him while taking these....I dont know what I'd do. Then, my job. I cherish nursing. But damn, I am hypocrite. I am taking for granted something that has always been my dream.

I keep justifying this drug. I keep thinking that I am simply better because of it. I do my best when taking it. I do a good job at work and am constantly being complimented for my 'happiness and great attitude' all the time. But I strongly feel that this is just the drug, and the real me would be dragging at work, and probably too tired to smile. I justified adderall by convincing myself that I am just enhancing my quality of life. But it is now that I am realizing how out of control this 'addiction' has become.

Alcohol is beginning to fill the void in between scripts. I am drinking alone, at night, when everyone is asleep. It is a secret, but it has become a problem. I know that if it wasn't a bad thing that I wouldn't try to keep it hidden. I am a mess. I dont even know where to start. I hope someone can read this and know what I mean, and hope I can make them feel a little more less.....alone.

This story sounds identical to my life. although my dosages were higher, I can only tell you it gets worse, went through a breakup, lost more than a year of my daughters life, she is 3 now, but I feel like I cant be a mother without it. I keep justifying the drug as well, in fear I cant live without it. This forum actually helps, its almost like we can still get those "Adderall 30 minute smoke breaks just talking" only now its to people we don't even know, about our addiction. It still helps. Let me know how you are doing as of now, im on the rocks as usual, indecisive on whats best, idk if I can ever be helped like I want. advice from a story just like mine would be great to hear

[sarahCaKes]

hello all. I wish I could say I was doing better but not so much. I thought I was doin the right thing going to a counselor but now I find that my doctor is completely offended and I think she feels as though I'm "ratting her out" because after telling her my struggle she more or less asked, "we'll what do you want from me?" or "what do u want me to do about it?" This has made me feel kind of silly for even seeking help to be honest. I sort of made up my mind to just not go back to my doc...like ever again...but I struggle with just going back as scheduled and getting my usual script...cause hey, she doesn't think what I've been doing or what I'm going thru is a big deal. I know the right answer is to find a new doc or new counselor.. but I'm also trying to live life and find myself on my own. I will keep u updated. I still thank god for this site! thanks everyone!!

[ally]

my dr was the SAME EXACT way. it does not mean its not a big deal, it means that dr is obviously not specialec in add or prescribing meds for it. Start by tellings her that what u want is to be weaned off of them because u do not want to take them anymore. give her whatever reason ud like just tell her u want off. ur dosages will be lowered ull get used to that (ur better off not even getting them or get them slowly but dump out half immediately, wean urself off if its what it takes) Just MAKE IT CLEAR TO UR DR U WANT OFF THEM, and that's ur final decision. and don't go to a new dr after for more.... u don't need a dr to even prescribe them just don't go back if that's what it takes. I recently went through this, just get ur doc on board and start getting used to a bit of hell. So far after the only advice I can HONESTLY give in my short time away from it, is once u get passed day 4-5, don't even go back. I already am seeing a tid bit of a difference on day 7, just hoping for next day to get better or accept the hell.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

One thing to remember about doctors, is that no matter what they tell you, it is NEVER personal. Docs are worried about litigation and losing their license. That's all it is. I came very close to legal action with my doc for a number of reasons, but when I realized what he was all about, I wanted to call my insurance company and report him. I think I may still do that, to be honest.

It's a shame because mental health and emotional health is such a tough field to work in, and it doesn't help all the well-meaning and genuinely well-intended docs that there are many, many others out there who don't simply have the same intentions.

I'm sorry you both had tough experiences with your docs. Better to have nothing to do with people who don't have your best interest in mind.

[Krax]

One thing to remember about doctors, is that no matter what they tell you, it is NEVER personal. Docs are worried about litigation and losing their license. That's all it is. I came very close to legal action with my doc for a number of reasons, but when I realized what he was all about, I wanted to call my insurance company and report him. I think I may still do that, to be honest.

It's a shame because mental health and emotional health is such a tough field to work in, and it doesn't help all the well-meaning and genuinely well-intended docs that there are many, many others out there who don't simply have the same intentions.

I'm sorry you both had tough experiences with your docs. Better to have nothing to do with people who don't have your best interest in mind.

Can you elaborate on why you would take legal action, and what your claim against the doctor would be?

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Malpractice.

1) He knew I didn't have ADHD or ADD. He told me as much.

2) He admitted me to a locked psych ward which was a highly traumatic experience. I had to use legal action to get out within 72 hours because after he admitted me, he promptly disappeared and didn't make any effort to contact me or the hospital again

3) He then attempted to charge me for the "session" during which he organized my admission to the hospital, plus one other "session" which was him on the phone with me while he was on his cellphone walking around the City.

[lea]

holy shit !

[Greg]

I'm sorry for the experience you had to go through MFA. It sounds very traumatic...if you got through that you can get through any temptation so stay strong and always remember how good it is to have a sober mind.

something similar happened to me on my last doctor's visit. My doctor called me into the doctors office and had an ambulence waiting for me downstairs because she thought I was abusing adderall. I had no idea about this.i was taken directly to the hospital, my pills were grabbed and counted by someone in the ambulence...i was questioned about all the missing pills in my bottle... and i was taken to the hospital and not allowed to leave the hospital all day for another 12-14 hours...

on another occasion, a doctor found out I was abusing the adderall she was prescribing and had me kicked out of an outpatient care program - that i had been attending 5 days a week, 9-4p - and it happened very suddenly.

In both cases, i didn't know my doctor had a right to do that...I was surprised by the whole thing. i really wonder how what you said about doctors afraid of losing their license and litigation may have tied into these incidences???

[ally]

Those sound like awful experiences! Id say sueing just may be the right action to take in ur case MFA....

[Greg]

hello all. I wish I could say I was doing better but not so much. I thought I was doin the right thing going to a counselor but now I find that my doctor is completely offended and I think she feels as though I'm "ratting her out" because after telling her my struggle she more or less asked, "we'll what do you want from me?" or "what do u want me to do about it?" This has made me feel kind of silly for even seeking help to be honest. I sort of made up my mind to just not go back to my doc...like ever again...but I struggle with just going back as scheduled and getting my usual script...cause hey, she doesn't think what I've been doing or what I'm going thru is a big deal. I know the right answer is to find a new doc or new counselor.. but I'm also trying to live life and find myself on my own. I will keep u updated. I still thank god for this site! thanks everyone!!

SarahCaKes, i agree with Ally that you didn't make it clear to your doc that you had developed a problem with the adderall. Especially if your doc doesn't think its an issue. A lot of people here did so. Maybe other people on quittingadderall can chime in on their experiences cutting themselves off from their doctors??

why do you say the right answer would be going to find a new doc or new counselor?

[Greg]

Those sound like awful experiences! Id say sueing just may be the right action to take in ur case MFA....

.

My second experience was really surprising too.

I had felt i was really benefiting from outpatient therapy. Everyday we had section where we would talk about addictions. One day Id relapsed. My counselor prodded it out of me . I didn't want to say anything because i was afraid of the consequences. I should have listened to my gut. Later in the day, I got a call from my counselor saying that he told my prescribing doctor that I started abusing adderall---and poof- just like that -- i was kicked out of the program and it was recommended i go to inpatient rehab. But instead of trying to get more rehab, I went ahead and got a job and my spiraling downward began all over again.

I need to add this to that list of Benefits of quitting adderall. 37. No longer a need for costly rehab.

Ally, How are things going with you? Are you hanging in there? You mentioned in your other post that you are getting used to the boredom. I think boredom is a big part of adderall recovery because in many ways adderall takes away boredom. But the reality is normal people are bored and at times feel completely unmotivated to do anything and part of recovery is getting used to that feeling as a normal everyday human feeling,