So grateful to be HERE!

[BETH]

Hi All - I'm so glad to have stumbled upon this website a couple of weeks ago before "the fall"...it certainly has made it a bit of a softer landing. Made decision not to refill my Adderall script two days ago, after finishing my last bottle a week early and enduring several days of withdrawl hell...and the first week has been tough but I'm just feeling so convicted...I am done with the "blue devil" as someone else termed it.

I got my first amphetamine prescription 3 years ago when i was finally given an adult diagnosis of ADD. My son who is now 22 (I'm 49) was diagnosed with ADD in fourth grade and was prescribed stimulants, including Adderall. I've always known I had ADD, as several other family members do, but never thought of getting diagnosed until I was faced with some very difficult challenges, including an extremely demanding job as a medical sales rep, a nasty divorce and parenting three children, one with special needs. I found myself in a doctors office asking to be diagnosed so I could get treatment and be able to "tackle" life better. Walked out with a script for Vyvanse and was immediately enamored with the results: ON ON ON, GO GO GO. Averaging 4 hours of sleep per night. Got divorced without a lawyer, blew out my quota, enjoyed freedom from an abusive husband celebrating with friends over wine and, occassionally taking the extra pill to keep right on drinking into the late night.

Like someone else said here, I was kinda thinking I'd be taking this my whole life when I first started using it...until my blood pressure starting soaring and the doctor took me off the Vyvanse and prescribed Adderall 20 mg 2X per day. That seemed to work pretty well and I did not have the high blood pressure. But Adderall always made me feel edgy and although I had constant energy to tackle my upside down life and the fallout from the divorce, it made want to drink alcohol just to come down from the jacked up feeling all the time and I got hooked into the Xanax to sleep cycle. I started to feel like Elvis! A pill to wake up, alcohol abuse, a pill to go to sleep. I hardly ever got "drunk" although I started drinking up to a bottle of wine myself over a day...sometimes more, just to "even out". My personality literally turned Jekykll/Hyde and I started constantly feeling paranoid and irritable and just wanted to isolate. I stopped playing tennis and doing strength training because physical exercise became a turnoff...go figure! In the end, Adderall was making me crazy in my head because the DRIVE to do SO MUCH just consumed me and important things, like my children needing to ask me questions and/or phone calls from friends and family, became secondary to GETTING EVERYTHING ON MY PLATE, OFF MY PLATE. LIKE A TIME DRIVEN FRICKIN CHECK LIST IN MY HEAD ALL DAY LONG! I felt like I just woke up everyday and ran a mental marathon. I could never relax, never watch TV, never dream of just "hanging out" or reading...no, no, no...it was like my brain would seek out another project to take on until I would crash in my bed for just a few hours.

Maybe its good I'm vain but I started noticing the dark circles under my eyes, my eyesight diminishing and when I read that amphetamines speed up the aging process...well now, that did it for me! No accelerated aging sign ups here, no thank you! I want to live forever! I have been off them for 6 days now. The first two days i cried alot under the covers as I felt the dopamine in my head drying up. I've been oscillating between laughing and crying hysterically, extremely foggy in the head, tired, and very, very, very thirsty. Has anyone experienced thirst after quitting? What is this attributed to? So happy that I don't think about drinking alcohol during the day anymore at least and have cut way, way back on alcohol consumption by virtue of the fact I don't crave it without Adderall in my system.

Seriously, this is an awesome website and Mike, the 7 Traits...WOW, SPOT ON.

Anyway, I made a great move and resigned to myself that Adderall is a killer...at least that is where it was leading me...to die from a stress induced heart attack, or some kind of unnecessary, preventable tragedy with my music still inside me. I'm determined to play that music...once I find it again. I'm looking forward to reinventing my life...and staying quit for good.

[Mike]

Hi Bethe!

Congrats on quitting! The thirsty thing sounds pretty normal, especially since you're probably going through amphetamine AND alcohol withdrawal right now. To me, being extra thirsty when you quit is kind of symbolic.

It's funny you call it "the fall". That's my own term for it (in my head) as well. Really, you'll find that it feels like that. It feels like a big fall, and the years to come are picking yourself back up, one step at a time, until one day you're better off than you were even during your Adderall honeymoon.

I don't know what you're doing, job-wise, but hopefully you've been doing it long enough now that it's become kind of routine and you can go on autopilot to some degree.

It might be uncomfortable at first, since you're accustomed to having a mix of drugs and alcohol in your system to soften the day. But you get used to it. Definitely give it at least 45 days. If your ADD is proves too unwieldy for your current occupation, there are always non-stimulant options...or my personal favorite: a different career.

Good luck in your recovery! And glad you like the site!

[BETH]

Thanks so much for your reply Mike. So---day 15 of Adderrall sobriety. I am wiped out but not sleeping good. I had hoped that would be what would happen...I would sleep but I'm averaging about 5 hours a night. On Adderrall, depending on how much I took, I was probably sleeping 3-4 hours per night. I've also quit taking Xanax...perhaps that is why not too much sleep?

I've considered that I may be borderline clinically depressed but don't want to do anti-depressants since those side effects can be..well...depressing! So for now I remain grateful to have lost my job a couple of months ago and don't have one to face every day while trying to heal from this addiction.

HUNGER!!!! Dang, have not felt it for some time ...but my appetite has come back with a voracity that feels like my brain woke up and declared FEED YOUR BODY!!!!! I am taking a fantastic dietary supplement/wellness product called Vemma...the only liquid supplement on the market combining 12 major vitamins and essential minerals plus mangosteen, aloe vera and green tea. Have been taking this product religously for about 2-3 weeks but it takes about 3 months to build up in your system to feel the benefits. Can't hurt.

My closest friends tell me they like this version of me off the Adderall. They say I'm calmer, more present and more relaxing to be around. All have expressed concern that my Adderall behavior made me manic, edgy and feared I was like a tornado that was going to spin off the planet. I'm glad I'm easier to be around...it's easier to be in my skin these days, despite the fact I'm in withdrawl.

Anyone out there that is contemplating quitting and wondering if they should...do it! The fact it is so hard to quit is exactly why we shouldn't take it in the first place. I love reading the stories here...they inspire me to keep going.

Oh yeah, laughter...belly laughter...it keeps coming...in waves. A definite positive benefit of being "off" Aderall.

[freedom]

Thanks so much for your reply Mike. So---day 15 of Adderrall sobriety. I am wiped out but not sleeping good. I had hoped that would be what would happen...I would sleep but I'm averaging about 5 hours a night. On Adderrall, depending on how much I took, I was probably sleeping 3-4 hours per night. I've also quit taking Xanax...perhaps that is why not too much sleep?

I've considered that I may be borderline clinically depressed but don't want to do anti-depressants since those side effects can be..well...depressing! So for now I remain grateful to have lost my job a couple of months ago and don't have one to face every day while trying to heal from this addiction.

HUNGER!!!! Dang, have not felt it for some time ...but my appetite has come back with a voracity that feels like my brain woke up and declared FEED YOUR BODY!!!!! I am taking a fantastic dietary supplement/wellness product called Vemma...the only liquid supplement on the market combining 12 major vitamins and essential minerals plus mangosteen, aloe vera and green tea. Have been taking this product religously for about 2-3 weeks but it takes about 3 months to build up in your system to feel the benefits. Can't hurt.

My closest friends tell me they like this version of me off the Adderall. They say I'm calmer, more present and more relaxing to be around. All have expressed concern that my Adderall behavior made me manic, edgy and feared I was like a tornado that was going to spin off the planet. I'm glad I'm easier to be around...it's easier to be in my skin these days, despite the fact I'm in withdrawl.

Anyone out there that is contemplating quitting and wondering if they should...do it! The fact it is so hard to quit is exactly why we shouldn't take it in the first place. I love reading the stories here...they inspire me to keep going.

Oh yeah, laughter...belly laughter...it keeps coming...in waves. A definite positive benefit of being "off" Aderall.

[freedom]

Beth, how long did it take to get a full night of sleep after stopping the Xanax? Congrats on quitting, I wish you the best in recovery. Have you thought of seeing a psychiatrist for your depression? I can't bring myself to do that and want to do this on my own, but I am finding it very hard to completely quit everything since the depression hits me hard. Please keep us posted on your recovery.