Here i Am....Again!!!!

[Heather67]

I was thinking about sitting down.and writing a letter to ummmm...don't really know ..someone I could honestly tell everything to. Tell them how much.time I waste and.how my head spins and how I can't even accomplish anything.on this bullshit I chase cuz I have to be on how I'm getting the next dose all the time. How exhausting it is..how by the 2nd day without it I can't fuckin cope with shit..I feel so absolutely bullshit I can't handle it. Do I know I need to stop...yup. do I want to...I'm really not sure. I mean I do...but I can't stand the thought of that feeling without it!!!! That's motivating alot of this. I am now the chronic relapsor and my past experiences I've spoke of mean shit now. I feel completely totally trapped!!! I don't know what I think or feel honestly...I'm too busy trying to keep up with my own shit..and that's failing. I don't know what to do anymore..or what I want..I'm so fucked up currently its not even.rational.

[LILTEX41]

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. Honestly, you sound awful, but I can TOTALLY relate. I've been there. It's horrible and although my life is not perfect now, it is tolerable and I am STABLE. t I can manage my life without the painstakingly long list of consequences I used to suffer due to my Adderall addiction. Is Adderall your only addiction if you don't mind me asking?

[Heather67]

Thanks lilitex. And yes it absolutely is. Well,besides cigarettes,and when.I'm not on these..I DONT care for smoking.much. just that thought of the deep depression and empty no feeling, feeling!!! I need to.get a job.and feel.I can't even.take that on.going off pills. These aren't reasons to keep using either...ive been down this road..I use or I don't reasons and excuses dont matter much. Adderall has a huge physical aspect to it's withdrawal and when I think about getting a job and going off it..I wanna throw up. Staying quit is the best route..starting over and over..not so great.

[ashley6]

Heather,

I've been wondering about you. I'm glad you came back, but not glad you've been struggling. There is always hope, and you seem like a person that will do something once you have your mind made up....so what will get you off of the fence about quitting?

[Greg]

Heather, I feel for you and Im sorry you are going through this. We were on similar dosages of adderall...yes it is a living hell. And as I mentioned to you before, the adderall you are taking at this point is just medicine to keep your body from getting sick, thats all it is. are you still taking 250mg + a day? I kind of feel you need it taken from you in order to stop. That worked for you last time when you got busted by the pharmacy. That worked for me. I wish you could find it in yourself to get yourself cut off again.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hi Heather, I am proud of you for coming here after relapsing. One thing about addicts is they become experts at lying... lying to themselves, mostly. You have been able to be honest with yourself; and I commend you for that. That's tough.

I think you know that here you have a community that genuinely cares about you and how you are doing. I was thinking about you just today, actually, and wondering how you were doing. So it is very real, just like your addiction is very real and your struggle with staying off it is very real.

But one thing to think about: every time you decide to quit, is like starting a new life. It doesn't help to think about how many times you've failed... because that won't compell you to succeed this time.

I read a quote today: "if we waited until conditions were perfect, we'd never start anything".

[lea]

Hi Heather -- It's always good to hear from you regardless of how you're doing. Just admitting it is taking a step towards making the desire to quit conscious. You are caught in the throes of addiction. I remember every time I took ritalin - once addicted, even at small doses, my brain was immediately hijacked. I couldn't even get the benefits it used to give me because my mind went in one direction only -- MORE -- to the exclusion of all else -- and no amount was ever enough. It was awful. And I know how you feel. I felt like one of those frenzied lab rats repeating some inane behavior never to find the reward -- SUCKS. I echo the above comments -- people on here seem to know you pretty well. This has to be a new day for you. Past attempts are not failures if you can learn from them, and it doesn't matter how many times you've tried - you only need one to be successful!

[quit-once]

Heather,

When I quit I wanted to be adderall free more than anything and everything else. Staying adderall free is still the most important thing in my life, even after not having a pill for two years. It just doesn't take that much effort anymore. With time, you will grow away from your addiction. But you gotta quit and stay quit and in order to do that you really do have to want it for yourself more than anything and everything else. Until you get off that fence, there is no reason to drag yourself through the hellish cycle of quitting and relapses.

[Heather67]

Hey thanks you guys for reaffirming all that I know to be true and telling it like it is and respecting the falls that I seem to taking lately. Quit once ...I have felt that too..as u know at another point in my life. I did want it more than anything..and I put it before everything. Those are key...and honestly ,at this moment..tho I haven't used today...I can't say I'm feeling the way.I need to about recovery. I don't know if I'm under thinking my current situation..or over thinking it. With or without it..all seems manic and unstructured,depressing and lack luster....its almost like having to choose if I want this piece of shit or that one. Its hard to even explain my mind is so fuckin stressed....but I really appreciate the feed back from everyone.