Adderall and Prescriptions

[Evie25]

So I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and every time I have an appointment with him, there's a little debate that goes on in my head. I've been missing the adderall, but ultimately have been deciding that there's absolutely NO way I can go back on it. 

 

I never told him I was addicted to the adderall, I've been ripping up his prescriptions as soon as I get them for the last four months (he also gives me prescriptions for lexapro and ativan, which I take). I feel so resentful towards psychiatrists in general, and want the decision to be mine, not his. A little part of me feels good that I'm deceiving him, that he's clueless and has no idea what's going on.

 

Does anyone else do the same? I'm not sure if this is a healthy way to approach things, but I get such a powerful feeling from getting the prescriptions, then ripping them up. I want this decision to feel like my choice, not something I'm forced into. At the same time, I know I'm taking a risk, even having that prescription in my hand. 

[ashley6]

My opinion is having a doctor willing to prescribe you is risky. That's why a lot of us got ourselves cut off from our doctors in one way or another. I just say set yourself up for success as much as possible....and that would be a step in the right direction.

[Cassie]

You're making it harder and riskier by having the option.
 

Let's say you're in a relationship and you're tempted to cheat on your boyfriend, but you don't want to because you love your boyfriend and don't want to hurt him. Would you keep putting yourself in situations where you're alone with the other guy, knowing that something could easily happen, or would you cut off or minimize your contact with the other guy so you could avoid the temptation in the first place?

I'm using this as an analogy because I recently developed a huge crush on someone and took precautions to not be alone with him, knowing that I could easily do something stupid. I never thought in a million years that I'd fall for someone other than my husband, but the chemistry with this guy really threw me for a loop and I could honestly see myself doing something I would seriously regret. My point is, part of being a mature adult is recognizing your fallibility so you can nip dangerous situations in the bud. We can succumb to primal urges and basal temptations so much more easily than we think. If I had the option to take adderall during my first year sober, I have no doubt that I would have. I remained abstinent because it was unavailable, and now after a year and a half, I have the inner strength to resist along with the continued unavailability. Think about telling your doctor not to prescribe you adderall anymore. That action step will make your sobriety foundation so much more solidified.

[Evie25]

 

You're making it harder and riskier by having the option.

 

Let's say you're in a relationship and you're tempted to cheat on your boyfriend, but you don't want to because you love your boyfriend and don't want to hurt him. Would you keep putting yourself in situations where you're alone with the other guy, knowing that something could easily happen, or would you cut off or minimize your contact with the other guy so you could avoid the temptation in the first place?

I'm using this as an analogy because I recently developed a huge crush on someone and took precautions to not be alone with him, knowing that I could easily do something stupid. I never thought in a million years that I'd fall for someone other than my husband, but the chemistry with this guy really threw me for a loop and I could honestly see myself doing something I would seriously regret. My point is, part of being a mature adult is recognizing your fallibility so you can nip dangerous situations in the bud. We can succumb to primal urges and basal temptations so much more easily than we think. If I had the option to take adderall during my first year sober, I have no doubt that I would have. I remained abstinent because it was unavailable, and now after a year and a half, I have the inner strength to resist along with the continued unavailability. Think about telling your doctor not to prescribe you adderall anymore. That action step will make your sobriety foundation so much more solidified.

 

 

You are so right, and I can't believe I didn't see it this way until I read your post. I made a huge mistake with my last relationship in that I put myself in situations in which i was tempted to cheat on him. I knew a certain guy friend was my weakness, and I still chose to put myself in situations where I was alone with him, in his apartment.That decision had enormous consequences, which I regret to this day.  Didn't even relate the cheating issue to obtaining the adderall prescription, but they are a lot alike in a way. I need to give this some serious thought and get real with myself. 

[Evie25]

My opinion is having a doctor willing to prescribe you is risky. That's why a lot of us got ourselves cut off from our doctors in one way or another. I just say set yourself up for success as much as possible....and that would be a step in the right direction.

Yes, I'm not sure I'm being honest with myself. Seems like I'm setting myself up for failure by still accepting the prescriptions, not success. Even though I haven't been filling the prescriptions, it's just SO hard to think of cutting off all my options to obtain the meds. It just feels like a cushion to fall back on, being able to get the adderall, if I somehow fuck up at work. I had a bad day at work today, and I'm having so many negative thoughts about my intelligence, etc. All the more reason why I shouldn't give myself the option to take it.

[catw66]

My psychiatrist willing gave me more and more until I was almost up to 40 mg. , which may not be a lot for some, but for me it was as I am a small female and other meds as well. I never took the full 40gn but cut down to 20 mg. I wanted the extras as I hate running out and having to go get them and take them in. So sick of that. I finally had my neurologist just write me a script for 10 mg. so I know I am exactly taking ten instead of spilling out about half of a 20 mg. tablet.

 

I think the adderall made things worse for me depression wise and I wonder if I will ever feel like I am alive again at all after three years on it. I did not have such a hard time getting off of ritalin or concerta but this one feels more like it changed something.

 

I plan now to find a shrink to help me get off of it totally and the Cymbalta I've been on. It's all been terrible for me. I would say don't set yourself up either for a relapse if you've gotten this far.

[Evie25]

Catw66,

 

I KNOW adderall made things worse for me depression wise. I totally understand how you feel, sometimes I feel so dead and empty and hateful of myself, like today. But then there are great days, times when I feel alive and enjoying life-which is a good sign. l was on adderall 3 1/2 years too. But there are people who've been on adderall for 10 years-I can't even imagine how hard it must be to quit after that length of time on them. 

 

How long have you been off the adderall for? From the other posts I've read, I have to just stay positive and believe it will get better.

[Evie25]

well, I had the appointment, got the adderall prescription, and promptly disposed of it.

I guess this is where I'm at right now. 

Baby steps....

[LILTEX41]

Evie, I did what you are doing for the first 9 months of my sobriety. Well, not exactly, but my mom and people around me kept asking if I had told my doctor I was addicted to Adderall and I kept getting pissed off that they were asking me. But really, I knew why I didn't make the call. I knew that maybe, just maybe, I could have that option still open in case I needed it. I relapsed on alcohol/pot after 9 months sobriety and I was such a mess I started contemplating calling the doctor to get my prescription refilled. Luckily, when that happened it dawned on me that I'd just been to detox 9 months prior and that I could not afford to go back on Adderall again. That was the last day I drank up until now. I called the doctor's office the next day and told them.

This weekend I went back to a different doctor to get back on celexa. You know what the first thing she asked me? She says, "so you are allergic to Amphetamine tablets?" It was CRAZY, but thank GOD that was in there, because I would've been so tempted had it not. I just remember feeling so much relief after I called the doc because I knew that I was finally done for GOOD. NO GOING BACK.

By the way, why are you feeling so hateful of yourself today? What's wrong?

[Evie25]

Evie, I did what you are doing for the first 9 months of my sobriety. Well, not exactly, but my mom and people around me kept asking if I had told my doctor I was addicted to Adderall and I kept getting pissed off that they were asking me. But really, I knew why I didn't make the call. I knew that maybe, just maybe, I could have that option still open in case I needed it. I relapsed on alcohol/pot after 9 months sobriety and I was such a mess I started contemplating calling the doctor to get my prescription refilled. Luckily, when that happened it dawned on me that I'd just been to detox 9 months prior and that I could not afford to go back on Adderall again. That was the last day I drank up until now. I called the doctor's office the next day and told them.

This weekend I went back to a different doctor to get back on celexa. You know what the first thing she asked me? She says, "so you are allergic to Amphetamine tablets?" It was CRAZY, but thank GOD that was in there, because I would've been so tempted had it not. I just remember feeling so much relief after I called the doc because I knew that I was finally done for GOOD. NO GOING BACK.

By the way, why are you feeling so hateful of yourself today? What's wrong?

 

Well I definitely need to tell my Dr. to cut me off, because something happened the other day that was very scary. He gave me 2 prescriptions for the adderall to last me for two months, and as soon as I'd left the Dr.'s office, I ripped up one adderall prescription, but had forgotten that there was still one more prescription, for the other month (along with my lexapro and ativan prescription).

 

Yesterday I was having a bad day at work. I was making mistakes-minor ones, but was doubting my intelligence and adequacy. Then I started going through my purse and it dawned on me that there was still one more adderall prescription, for the other month. I couldn't resist, refilled the prescription, and took the adderall yesterday. Of course I felt tweaked out later that night and it was a bad feeling. This morning, I flushed the pills. So thankfully only one day where I took them.

 

But, I can't afford to put myself in the position where I can take them-just playing with fire. 

Good for you for calling the Dr. I need to do the same.That must have taken a lot of strength. I hope I have the same feeling of relief as you did when you knew it was done for good. 

 

I don't know why I'm so hateful of myself....just have major self-esteem issues and question my abilities at work, school, etc.

[ashley6]

Ok so you played with fire, and unfortunately shown yourself that it will be an option for you if you have a doctor willing to prescribe. Good for you for flushing the rest. I don't believe I couldn't stopped with a Rx in hand. I had dealers, so it made it even more complicated. If you're truly ready to quit, of course there's always unsure feelings of fear and what if's, but it sounds like you are ready to be done. When I told my doctor I should not be prescribed, I was crying a lot. I will never forget the look on his face. I was scared out of my mind, but my dance couldn't go on with adderall anymore. I'm only telling you my experience because I know if I could do it, I couldn't imagine my life without adderall, than I know you can too. It might not be a relief immediately, but in time, it will. You can do this.

[catw66]

How long have you been off the adderall for? From the other posts I've read, I have to just stay positive and believe it will get better.

Evie - I am still coming off of it slowly. I have been cut down from 20 mg to 10 mg for a about two weeks or so and I think it is time to cut down further or go without it. I finally feel like I can handle the discomfort enough to go a little further. But I'll tell you that going from 20 mg to 10 mg felt like I just stopped taking it altogether. It actually took my brain a week I think to figure out what it was missing. Tomorrow I am going to take a holdiay off of it and see how that goes. Maybe I can go from 10 mg to nothing. I hope so. Thank you for confirming the idea for me that it does not make depression better, but worse. Doing this Adderall cut down and cessastin process is feeling like some wild bipolar mood swings for sure. I have a feeling it is supposed to go like this due the brain is having to do all kinds of recalibrations again. I can totally relate to that "hating myself" feeling. It's like the full knowledge and then some hitting me of all that has gone wrong to get me on Adderall and other meds - like some sort of rude awakening that is still a ways from being plainly accepted, lived through, and somehow transformed eventually. Keep going! I think I totally understand why you've kept accepting the scripts. Your relapse with getting one of them filled _ just in case - could have been predicted. I am afraid to run out as well, just in case. But we both know Adderall doesn't solve the deep down self-esteem issue and the illusions it created for us - that if we took it, we would somehow be more adequate and higher-functioning...maybe even a little perfect. I am realizing how very imperfect I am, how far I have fallen in my life due to disabling depression and negative thoughts and self-image. This is something I have to find a way to work on and Adderall was no short cut. Love yourself through your rough times. YOu will get there. You are doing pretty good!