I have a date tonight...

[drewskis86]

Hi Everyone, 

 

My name is Drew, and I have been on adderal about a year now. I certainly don't need it, the only time I had taken it before then was in college and that was strictly on nights I had to study for a test - but being that is was so easy to get my own script I figured I would give it a try for work purposes (7 months after graduation).

 

I have a problem.. I can never take it correctly. I can obviously rationalize with myself with how much I am going to take, but it always ends up being more than the prescribed amount. For some reason, I like that 'zoom-zoom' feeling that I get - which is what I understand to be normal with people who get addicted. Eventually, I would run out of my script to be left with nothing until I can get it refilled. I would never feel like I was addicted or needed it to function - the strongest urge I would ever get is when it was about time to get my script refilled I would want it again. 

 

Skipping ahead..

 

My new doctor asked me about the 30 MG XR's that I was on and if everything was alright to which I replied 'No, actually. I stopped taking that 3 months ago because I started to take it incorrectly. I would like to discontinue that.' I would like to mention in those 3 months I felt more myself and comfortable with my life then I have EVER felt- most likely because my adderall roller coaster ride made myself feel somewhat out of control and very uncomfortable when outside of the high. Eventually the doctor suggests I take a 10mg IR tablet (something she admitted she took) to avoid the side effects, because I was not supposed to be on such a high dosage with the XRs. 

 

Here we go.. 

 

Just as I knew it would happen I get the new script and I abuse it just like I did the last one. Except this time its a far lesser dosage so I don't feel near as depleted/hungover/etc. from the drug. But still, here I am taking too much yesterday and I was not able to sleep at all last night and eventually I have a date tonight. 

 

This right here is the problem I have with this stupid medication. I am getting these weird thoughts in my head questioning whether I would be able to participate in a social setting as if I won't be as cool as sober Drew or something, but my WHOLE LIFE I have been confident with who I am and more importantly with how responsible I have always been. On adderral I am not convinced of that. In fact, coincidentally with being off adderall for months I have had the best streak of things happen to me. I moved to the big city, job was going well, I was getting a ton of attention from girls, and eventually started dating this girl in which I have a date tonight. 

 

Thinking about it this way makes me feel like shit. Because i know for a fact the girl I am dating now does not deserve a guy who is going to binge on drugs. I was letting the drugs do the thinking for me which was to take more adderral and stay up later and keep playing video games... then skip out on obligations I had agreed to because I knew I would be completely out of it.

 

I tried cancelling this damn medication once and the temptation of taking the lower dose got me, and I should have never been back on it - or had it in the first place. I just cancelled my script for adderall (again) and I am looking forward to enjoying my life once again. I have lost relationships because of my changed behavior on this stuff, like other users have said they have had 'numbed' feelings and i did too.

 

I don't know what I was looking for when I was typing this out.. I just needed to type it and show it to you guys, that made me feel better already.

 

Thanks for reading

-Drew

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hey Drew,

 

You sound like you're beating yourself up a bit for something you already know the answer to.  Can I suggest something?  Stop beating yourself up.  You're successful, you're popular, you have made your life work.  You may or may have been able to do that on adderall; but here you are.  Now you can only either make it better, or screw it up.

 

You also know that there are some things that you love about yourself that you think have gone away since you were on adderall:  mostly, your self-esteem and core belief that you are "strong".  Giving up adderall is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  But when I got my own self back, I realized I liked that person so much more than the adderall-me.  If you can believe in the "former" you, then it's something to look forward to rather than letting the lies adderall tells you convince you that you need to take it.  

 

You're strong.  You can be again.

[BeHereNow]

Hey Drew,

 

First of all I think you're amazing!   Based on 2 things that you said: First, that you were honest enough with your dr to say that you weren't taking your meds correctly and needed to stop.  That must have taken a huge amount of courage, is incredibly honest and a huge step towards getting the real you back. 

 

Second, a lot of people --especially addicts-- don't think of things like "the girl I am dating now does not deserve someone who binges on drugs."   Obviously you are very thoughtful and kind and strong and I can tell that you care a lot about yourself and other people.  She is lucky!

 

But let's add another layer to that one:  YOU don't deserve to live a life of binging on drugs.    You are way too good to put yourself through this!   It sounds like you know it too, on a deeper level, but it also sounds like adderall is preventing you from seeing the quality person you are.

 

I'm glad to hear you cancelled your script.  If you really want to quit, lowering the dosage usually doesn't work-- most people who have abused adderall need to quit altogether and never take it again.

 

Maybe all the good things that have happened to you off adderall are a hint of the life you have ahead of you if you stay clean.  Run with it!