im losing hope for my wife

[defeated]

My wife has been on adderall since we have been married (10 years) we now have 4 children under 7 yrs old and in the past 2-3 her usage has increased and is out of control. She has a rx for 60, 20mg, a month and in the past year talked me into going to the Dr and getting the same for me so she can have more.  I justified it because she said her old Dr wrote her 4 a day which after reading this site and doing research, probably wasnt true.  Now i have stopped getting mine for her, no more enabling, and she has gone to the streeet to buy them. she admitted when she said she would quit about 2 weeks ago that she was taking about 150mg a day.  When she runs out she turns to pain pills or xanex/clonapin.  She might sleep for 2-3 hours a night and the crash is awful when she runs out.  I have had 2 afffairs in the past 3 years, and am very remorseful and sorry. I know she is using the pils to cope to an extent.  She cannot have a clear, rational mind to work through issues because of the adderall.  She is in bad denial and tries to justify everything she does because of what I have done.  The adderall has such a hold on her, she has spent $2,000. in the past month on pills and I have had to change locks at my office and give her small amounts of money.  I just want my wife back and im afraid the physical and mental hurt she is doing to her self.  I have been patient, supportive and picked up all the slack, but am now getting angry and hurt by it.  Her focus on adderall does not turn to housework, hobbies, or anything productive.  It goes straight to OCD on the woman in the last affair and trying to catch me do something else.  I have been an open book in the past 11 months since the last affair ended and been to counseling and moving forward.  But the adderall will not allow her to and it is sucking the life out of her.  PLEASE any ideas or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[BeHereNow]

Hi,

 

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through.  It sounds like a truly agonizing situation, with no simple solution.

 

I'm not really in any position to offer marriage advice, but as a recovering adderallic who ruined a great long-term relationship through my own adderall abuse, I can try to offer some ideas.

 

It sounds like your wife is hurting pretty deeply and having trouble coping with her pain.  Adderall might be blocking her from healing and moving forward.  Many people abuse adderall as a way of numbing themselves emotionally.   In my own previous experience, abusing adderall to numb myself emotionally prevented me from working through any issues, challenges, and decisions I was facing.    It sounds like she's using the same unhealthy coping mechanism, and it sounds like it's preventing either of you from healing.

 

Adderall abuse not only leads to emotional numbness, but also isolation from the people we love.  So it's possibly also directly hurting your relationship by leading to this kind of isolation.    Do you think this is the case with her?

 

You mentioned counseling-- Have you gone to counseling/therapy together?   It sounds like you and your wife probably have a lot to work through-- any underlying issues that may have led up to your affairs, for example, plus their aftermath and the dynamics between you two in general, which includes her addiction. 

 

Will she be able to forgive you for those affairs?  

 

Does she have any desire to quit?  You can't force her to quit, and she won't quit unless/until she truly WANTS to. 

 

When people do quit, they are often overwhelmed with emotions that adderall previously blocked.  This can be pretty intense, and it usually changes relationship dynamics.  She might become a lot more loving, but on the other hand she might also realize just how hurt she is when she finally has to face her pain.

 

Lastly: would she choose you over adderall? 

 

I wish you and your wife nothing but the best, and I hope you're able to work things out in a way that feels right for both of you.  

[defeated]

Thanks so much, she isolates a lot which I have realized adder all makes her have no track of time. I only feel like I can truly see her when she crashes otherwise it's paranoia and OCD about everything I do. I know deep down she loves me and would choose me, but she truly doesn't have a desire to stop. I have gotten to the point where I don't like talking to her or being around her because of the meds making her so irrational .

[BeHereNow]

That must be so hard to bear.  I'm so sorry you're going through that.  I hope things get better for you.  Maybe eventually she will hit rock bottom and be forced to quit.  For me at least, that was the only way quitting was going to happen.    I hope this isn't the case because its not fun to go to the end of the adderall road, but on the other hand it sounds like she's probably pretty close anyways. 

 

Hey, if you go under the "Announcements" folder there's a thread called "the 8 stages of amphetamine addiction."  It was pretty insightful for me, I realized I ended up at stage 7.  Maybe you could share it with her-- maybe she'll get a better sense of just what what the adderall path looks like, and where it can lead (permanent brain damage.) 

[BeHereNow]

Here's the link for ya:   http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/879-8-stages-of-amphetamine-useabuse/

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hi Defeated,

Not sure if you are still reading this forum but I am so sorry for both of you.

I have been in your wife's shoes, almost exactly. Only now, 9 months in to quitting, am I realizing the deepest reasons I chose to take adderall and disconnect from my life.

Like Occasional1 so wisely says, I took adderall to numb the pain of my life: I had found out my husband had been cheating, and that upped my dosage. Then I found out he'd been trading extremely risky options, and had lost almost all our money (we were going to buy an apartment in NY with cash), of which I contributed about about 80%. So I upped my dose.

Then I lost my job. So I upped my dose. Then I started another job, so I upped my dose. Then more infidelity.... (This time on my side - I was no longer a human, I was a mess of irrationality and disinhibitation, immediately followed by extreme paranoia and depression).

Eventually I went in to psychosis and landed in hospital. I'm glad that happened, actually, because it saved my marriage.

I am slowly unpacking all the hurt I caused and peeling the onion, and I realize we both are equally accountable for the hurt we caused each other.

If, in a quiet way, you can tell her you would love to really know why she started taking adderall, and just listen, maybe you will hear the frightened little girl inside her that just wanted some confidence, some control.

I told my husband I would never give up either. And the only thing he could do (and still has to do, from time to time, the scars are very deep for me for a number of reasons), is apologize. Ask her what words she wishes she could hear from you, and then say them (unless they're emotionally abusive of course).

Your kids must be suffering so much. I'm sure they miss their mum.

[ThisIsHard]

Defeated,

 

Have you tried talking with her doctor? I have a lot more to say... from the wife's perspective if you are still reading this. Please let me know.

 

Thanks!