defeated

Thanks so much, she isolates a lot which I have realized adder all makes her have no track of time. I only feel like I can truly see her when she crashes otherwise it's paranoia and OCD about everything I do. I know deep down she loves me and would choose me, but she truly doesn't have a desire to stop. I have gotten to the point where I don't like talking to her or being around her because of the meds making her so irrational .

My wife has been on adderall since we have been married (10 years) we now have 4 children under 7 yrs old and in the past 2-3 her usage has increased and is out of control. She has a rx for 60, 20mg, a month and in the past year talked me into going to the Dr and getting the same for me so she can have more. I justified it because she said her old Dr wrote her 4 a day which after reading this site and doing research, probably wasnt true. Now i have stopped getting mine for her, no more enabling, and she has gone to the streeet to buy them. she admitted when she said she would quit about 2 weeks ago that she was taking about 150mg a day. When she runs out she turns to pain pills or xanex/clonapin. She might sleep for 2-3 hours a night and the crash is awful when she runs out. I have had 2 afffairs in the past 3 years, and am very remorseful and sorry. I know she is using the pils to cope to an extent. She cannot have a clear, rational mind to work through issues because of the adderall. She is in bad denial and tries to justify everything she does because of what I have done. The adderall has such a hold on her, she has spent $2,000. in the past month on pills and I have had to change locks at my office and give her small amounts of money. I just want my wife back and im afraid the physical and mental hurt she is doing to her self. I have been patient, supportive and picked up all the slack, but am now getting angry and hurt by it. Her focus on adderall does not turn to housework, hobbies, or anything productive. It goes straight to OCD on the woman in the last affair and trying to catch me do something else. I have been an open book in the past 11 months since the last affair ended and been to counseling and moving forward. But the adderall will not allow her to and it is sucking the life out of her. PLEASE any ideas or advice would be greatly appreciated.