Zerokewl Posted August 9, 2013 Report Share Posted August 9, 2013 Total mental fog today. Didn't sleep well last night. Haven't felt this horrible in a while. My mind races and try to accomplish one thing or another. I fail , I second guess, go for a smoke, watch one more horrible netflix documentary. I feel like crying. Listening to Eminem recovery album to gather strength to accomplish at least one of my goals today. I guess this is PAWS but I felt this way before addy's its not all withdrawal. I wasn't perfect before Addy's. I have other addictions, self esteem issues. Adderall gave me confidence. In my former life before I was fired for being a tweaked out chain smoker. I did everything for approval and the thing that drove me was telling myself I was worthless shit. Many told me I was a genius and behind my back a crazy genius with a lot of personal problems. Despite all this , I was a big shot. Until Adderall gave me this weird superhero complex. So I bought into my own bullshit. Becoming a crazed hermit who worked tirelessly for the approval of others. My career was a beautiful mansion that I spent 24hrs guarding and defending so I never got to swim in the pool. My inner critic is in high gear, an approval seeking asshole. Who demands perfection and polarizes me with indecision and self doubt. I need to change the conversation in my head. It feels like i'm going insane. Maybe I am. I just want to get recovered faster. I want my old life back. Funny because my old life was hell. But I can't imagine the person I want to be. Typing all this makes me feel better. I imagine it doesn't make sense. I don't want to rush my recovery. I want it to hurry the fuck up though. I need to get back to life. Going to clean my apartment and go for long ride. I can't lose another day to PAWS . If you've managed to read all this gibberish thank-you. Putting one foot in front of the other. I need to move on. I must to do the things i need to do to recover. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted August 9, 2013 Report Share Posted August 9, 2013 Zerokewl, I'm with you on wanting faster recovery and you are at 90 days and I am only at 46 days. From what I am gathering, we are looking at quartly improvements. In other words we can expect to notice less exhaustion, boredom, hibernation, etc after the passage of 3 months time. I don't know about the PAWS thing. I think the whole ball of wax is the price we have to pay for recovery. I've had 2 semi-good days in 46, so what does the future hold? Lots of bad days. I think we unknowingly made a deal with the devil (US big Pharma) when we took advantage of the euphoria, confidence and endurance Adderall gave us. Now we want to stop? Our neurons say they will kill us because that's what the pill was programming back stage. This is just my science fiction idea on it. The bottom line is that we are going to suffer and will recover in tiny untraceable baby steps over time. I'm going to at least start the supplements Mike suggests, as soon as I can muster the will to get to the store to buy them. I'm just saying I'm going through this with you. We have to maintain faith that better days lie ahead, even if they are farther ahead than we hoped for. The devil doesn't take credit cards. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tessa0412 Posted August 9, 2013 Report Share Posted August 9, 2013 -recovered faster I have the same issue . My therapist totally calls me out On that all the time. It makes sense . Our poison of choice was and still is adderall . The get It all done Now NOw now wonder drug ( which turns into the devils drug in no time) I mean we are here for a reason right? After years of now now now speed speed speed it will take awhile for us to adjust to PATIENCE in recovery ALL good things come to those who ...... Wait? Nah, I think to those whom try to remain in the moment.. Minute by minute. Now into the now. It's always the now. When we begin to rush we need to catch up with ourselves which throws us off balence. Just breath and Take your recovery minute by minute or even second by second don't worry about when u will feel Better or how fast it will happen. Just stay within yourself here in the now. Because its there where u will feel better. Not later not tommarow not next year .. Just Here now. Be patient and breath .. It's all we can do 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted August 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2013 Jon & Tessa, Rode my bike 6.4 mi now standing here in the dark far from home. Watching trains go by in a beautiful prairie setting. Beautiful in only the subtle way the prairies can be. I'm reading your words and I'm realizing the only person I need to impress is me. Ive found an oasis... Denny's stopped in for tea &toast. Getting back to basics and recovering means forgetting about all my old bullshit. Proving to everyone I'm the best was a horrid existence. Ironically I over achieved to the point where everyone hated me. My work wasn't that good either. My best work is ahead of me. Day by day, second by second i am getting better. Right now is better than yesterday. Whipping myself like a rented mule isn't moving my recovery forward. My recovery is a slow process that can be enjoyable. After all I'm architecting the life I want and I am a fucking genius. Well I'm a ways from home so I should pedal myself home. Jon soon you will have your energy back. Though sometimes misdirected I have too much energy. But I have ADHD and was always a little hyper. Using my energy properly is a new challenge. 11.1 miles cycled in total. That being said thank-you for taking the time to post. I feel like I got a glimpse of the person I want to be. photo from ride http://www.flickr.com/photos/95141581@N02/9468302515/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tessa0412 Posted August 9, 2013 Report Share Posted August 9, 2013 Yay! Slow that train down .. )))) love the picture . U just gave me the great idea to get the f up this morning and get on my bike thanku .. It's about 97 degrees out but whatever!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resetBrain Posted August 9, 2013 Report Share Posted August 9, 2013 I would never willingly choose such a lesson, but I think maybe through this whole slooooooow process I'm learning something about patience. Thank you guys for posting this stuff. Nowhere else have I found people who understand how hard this is or how long it takes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted August 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2013 Tessa, Glad you liked the picture. Cycling has always been my Zen place. I need to do it more often. Looking forward to the beautiful fall rides coming up. I really appreciate your help last night, my mind was racing like I was on Addy's. Though I've stopped using adderall in some ways I still think like I am on Adderall. Listening to a bunch of amped up hip-hop before I go to bed is probable a bad idea. The fact that an album has me all amped up & jiggity is a good sign i'm recovering. I shudder to think what my life would be like without this forum. I was such a mess before I quit I don't even remember my official quit date because I'd been on such a hardcore bender before I quit. The realization that the horrible depression and lethargy was a symptom of withdrawal and not my failings as a human being. Made getting this far possible. I hope more people find this site. WIth only 1000 members I wonder how many people are going through this hell alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted August 10, 2013 Report Share Posted August 10, 2013 I love BIG SKY country, especially at twilight and just before twilight. Thank you for the pictures Z. Thank you for the reminder to breathe and be in the monent Tessa. It helps to take deep breaths and to breathe normally. That's something we couldn't do on Adderall, simply breathing normally. I can hook into this even on the couch. ...and the way you turn your words Tessa. You are a poet. RB, I think you're right. We have no choice but to learn patience and have the benefit of true support here, like nowhere else, to learn it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tessa0412 Posted August 10, 2013 Report Share Posted August 10, 2013 All around grateful for all of u and your words and for hearing what I have to say and appreciating it. U guys are awesome . Thanks for noticing my words Jon' )) makes me feel good. These forum.. Opening up to each other and really listening N careing is where the magic happens. Lets keep this going!!! They say the biggest Part of recovery is having support groups like this. Gets me feeling that going to some meetings will help as well (NA or actual Adderall support groups) what do u guys think about that? My actual name is Theresa btw ))) for whatever reason when I first started this forum I wanted to stay some what anonymous.. (Silly denial hide in the closet with my addiction tendencys) I'm glad my post helped u Man! I totally get the cycle pattern tornado thoughts that turn into worrying obsessive thinking . It's all fear based and denial based I saw my therapist today actually and we talked Aboit that. She referred to it as like a cycle ( think a large circle going around and around and around) what goes around comes around, and around around . Doig the same thing or thinking the same thing over and over = insanity . And than expecting change? Forget it. So it's about noticing when we do that, and finding an escape hole in that circle. Like a secret door u can see if u just slowwww down that cycle of thoughts. Just say to yourself u no what? I'm not doing this right now... I'm ganna end this because its not goog to benefit me and I can't handle it. Invision finding that secret door and opening it. And walking ( or fucking running ) out. Than move yourself physically away from what ur doing and do something different / positive and than the mental will follow the physical difference and hopefully u can get off the merry go round from hell for awhile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tessa0412 Posted August 10, 2013 Report Share Posted August 10, 2013 Reset brain- patience is a virtue . And of course u wouldn't willingly choose that lesson . Our addiction chooses selfish and gimme gimme gimme tendencys. Good things come to those who wait- who has time to wait On Addie? Off Addie? Than I'm sayin' the good should creep its little head on through with a little Patience Give ur self that. Feels good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted August 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 10, 2013 So right about needing to change state when in a mental tornado. Recognizing I am in a weird thought pattern then breaking it is something I need to focus on. Some pics from my afternoon ride. http://www.flickr.com/photos/95141581@N02/9475029393/in/photostream/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/95141581@N02/9477812922/in/photostream/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted August 13, 2013 Report Share Posted August 13, 2013 Reading your OP pushed me into finally joining the forum. Thank you for sharing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tessa0412 Posted August 14, 2013 Report Share Posted August 14, 2013 I must be out of abbreviation loop but what's OP ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted August 14, 2013 Report Share Posted August 14, 2013 Usually means Original Poster or Original Post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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