resetBrain

Oh, yeah, and my NCAA football team in the BCS Championship. WAR EAGLE!

Haven't been to the site in a couple months. Love this stream, ZK. Good to see your profile pic, you and JustinW, too. Appreciate that TED link from Andrew Solomon. I've been dealing with the big D - still - but hey there's good stuff: ZK's Mind Grapes, I DID NOT ruin Christmas for my kid like I was so afraid I would, and 2013 is OVER.

Kev9765, Not sure I have anything to add that other people haven't said in response to your questions, but I can definintely confirm! Your situation is absolutely typical of our experiences with Adderall. You said "I think of it as the day I was poisoned." I feel the same way. -Was anyone a good, moral, and caring person, then Adderall turned you into a selfish, uncaring asshole (or bitch)? I don't think I was ever totally uncaring, but I just wanted to be alone a lot and focus on whatever probably insignificant thing I was hyperfocusing on. I definitely did some selfish and impulsive stuff in romantic relationships with significant others that I totally regret. -Does anyone else who was or still is addicted to Adderall, have a history of mental illness: depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, OCD, Schizophrenia, etc.? Yep, depression, but I would say it was in remission when I started Adderall. -If you did have a history of mental illness and became addicted to Adderall, and are no longer addicted, was your mental illness still very much present and noticeable after getting off? Yes and no. I think it changed in nature, as in I no longer had those increasingly brief periods euphoria and motivation that I had on Adderall, but no longer felt like such a 'loose cannon.' -Are you more likely to relapse and start taking Adderall again if you have a history of mental illness? I doubt it. Depends on the individual, but I think many of us could be called mentally ill, whether we have a DSM-IV or -V diagnosis or not. -Is there a chance I won’t remember things that have happened over the past four and a half years? There's always a chance, but probably not. Add up the Adderall, other prescription meds, stuff like weed and alcohol (for some of us), months or years worth of sleep deprivation, and plain old aging, and, yeah, there are going to be some things you don't remember, but even 'normies' have things they don't remember. Make sure you remember how awful what Adderall is doing to you right now is, even write it down, because you could very easily, in your memory, gloss over the bad and romanticize the positve. -I’m still living in “Adderall world.†I don’t think I fully grasp everything that’s happened over the 4 ½ years I’ve been addicted. I’m afraid when my mind is straight, I’m going to “really†think back and remember everything that happened; all the actions I’ve done that have hurt so many people: family, friends, relatives, my ex-wife, co-workers, people I've become close with during that time, etc. I’m afraid once I have the capability to fully comprehend everything that happened, the guilt, shame, and embarrassment will be unbearable. Did anyone have this experience? It might suck, but it won't be unbearable. And the only other option is to keep going down the path of using Adderall. I have sometimes wanted to talk to people I was awful to and try to make amends, AA-style. But I never have because I don't think it would be helpful to them and I doubt they would even get it since it seems like most people don't consider Adderall to be the problem drug that it really is for some people. -I have delayed reactions to responses, my cognitive ability isn’t what it used to be, and I have more difficulty remembering certain things. Is this permanent, or will I be able to get these abilities back if I quit? Probably not permanent, but it will take TIME to get back. -Did anyone else abuse other prescription medications or energy drinks, like 5 hour energy? I’m wondering because I don’t know if it would be helpful to get off of this first & if I do, maybe getting off of Adderall won’t be as bad as I think? Getting off Adderall is almost certainly to be really, really hard, no matter how you do it. My 2 cents is that you need to get off the Adderall first. -What are some specific experiences & difficulties people have with just XR and just IR? I’ve been on IR for the majority of my Adderall abuse. Which is more commonly used? More dangerous? Harder to get off? I don't know which is more common, and I don't think it makes a difference to the quit. I never used Adderall XR. But I used Vyvanse, which I understand is about the same thing as Adderall XR. I also used Adderall IR everyday when the Vyvanse started to wear off.

Hopeful

Yep, actual humans are reading your post, and know exactly what you mean. That euphoria becomes the 'new normal,' and it is hard to get back to feeling enthusiastic about anything without the drug. BUT IT WILL HAPPEN if you stick it out.

Zhenka11230, I HIGHLY suspect depression was induced by Adderall for me. I've mentioned this elsewhere on the forums...yes, I had a major bout of depression for several years during undergraduate school with zero Adderall involved. But I had more than a decade without severe depression...until about 6 months after I started taking Adderall.

Like Jon says, anniversary dates aren't magical events that make you suddenly all better...and I wish, especially for the sake of you guys that are at the three-month mark, or the three-week mark or the three-day mark, that I had MORE sunshine and roses to report... Honestly, though, I don't feel like I'm back yet. I mean I know I will never be just like I was before, that's not how life works. I still have considerable mood/depression issues...but I think I have a greater-than-average tendency toward that anyway. And, aside from issues with quitting Adderall and Vyvanse, this has been the hardest year in my life ever. Losing the family member I mentioned previously is the most profound grief I have ever known. I'm trying not to make this whole post about him , but other than my son, there is no one I have ever been more bonded with. So I don't have the pre-Adderall energy levels and self confidence back yet. However there has been enormous improvement. And I see people saying, hey, sometimes it takes 18 months, sometimes it takes 2 years. I mean, check it out, Liltex is calling me a newbie! Liltex, it has been harder than I thought it would be, just cuz, hey, at this time last year, I thought it would all be a cake walk after about 6 months. People say it over and over, but, again, THIS SITE JUST ROCKS. YOU GUYS JUST ROCK. And as for the sunshine and roses, I think one of the best changes in me is my chilling out with the rage and temper and lashing out at people. Especially toward my kid.

Stop with the crazy-making? This like telling me to stop breathing!

1Bad88, I'm back to you're orginal post: I'm orange.

It's been a year today since I quit using Adderall and Vyvanse. Except for a 1-day, 15 mg Adderall replase in early February. During that week in February, I had missed a lot of sleep, was dealing with the insurance company about my totalled Jeep and I was trying to process what happened with a family member's suicide and whether I could make it to a memorial service 1400 miles away. The next day, I gave the rest of my Vyvanse and Adderall on hand to a friend to get rid of for me. He flushed it. I still have three or four 5 MG Adderall tablets in a drawer. I don't know why.

Last one I saw was Ozymandias, last week's episode I guess...the thing about Hank....ugh. And after I watched and didn't like the final episode of Dexter last night, I'm thinking about not even watching the last episode of Breaking Bad. Like pulling a Joe Rogan. I heard him say he watched every episode of Lost, except the last one, which he refuses to watch, ever. I bet he watched it though. Just like I will watch those last two episodes of Breaking Bad.

Fragile

Yeah, I've heard the "Maybe a few bi-polar tendencies, that cyclical, repetitive thinking you do" and "has anyone in your family ever been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder?" And I had to laugh at myself when I left the doctor's office with that Lamictal prescription because on the little check list you have to fill out at every visit I literally wrote "up and down." What I meant was "normal and down," but that's not what I wrote. No offense to anyone who truly has bi-polar issues...and, heck, maybe I do too...but it seems like that whole diagnosis is a little trendy right now. But as for now....I'm almost a year clear of Vyvance and Adderall, yet depression is still seriously jacking up my life...so I'm trying to stick out the Lamictal dosage increases...it has to be increased very slowly because of a rare but icky scary side effect...because I want my life back...and if this doesn't work, I can at least say I tried it. I have total respect, though, for all of you who want to steer clear of all pharmaceuticals. I feel like I gave it a pretty good shot between March and now....I never got off the Klonopin....and I used a lot of supplements and vitamins...but still that was a pretty good shot for me...and, wait for it, I still ain't takin' stimulants.

I took a supplement blend for about six months containing, among other things, about 500 mg a day of Acetyl-L-Carnitine. Can't say that it helped in any noticeable way, but I think that's a pretty low dosage.

Yep, ZK, WE are cheering for your clean months. Other than people on this board, I don't think know anybody who "gets it" about how hard the Adderall quit is. I've even shown a couple people this site, and they still don't get it. Even the psychiatrist I see now, the one who I was finally able to get help me wean off the stuff last fall, is down to "well, it can be kind of harsh." And "weren't you depressed before you started taking Adderall?" And yeah, I was. Way back years before in undergraduate school. But with basically 12 years of remission from that kind of depression before I started taking Adderall. And I was taking Lexapro when I started taking Adderall. In a maintenance kind of way, to stave off like what now seem like minor BS problems like breaking up with boyfriend of a few months or a little job stress. The Adderall was supposed to be for concentration when I first got it prescribed. But I could tell that he didn't hear me at all on that. Maybe there ARE people who can stop taking stimulants, get knocked of their game for a couple weeks, then just go about life as usual. Maybe that's why it's hard for people to take this seriously. Ugh, guess who's moody and bitter today?