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About TLNJ2

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    New Jersey
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    Baseball, Football, Basketball, Writing, Film and Photography, Surfing, Snowboarding, Playing Softball and Golf, Women.

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  1. 7 Month Struggles

    Hey Tom, Stumbled upon your post. I have experienced exactly what you have almost to a T. I'm now 13 months off of adderall and am still experiencing the on and off anxiety, paranoia and anhedonia. It's not as bad as it was earlier on, but whenever I feel like I've beat it, It comes back and reminds me that I haven't. I also had the same obsessive thought of my heart being damaged. I am in very good shape, college athlete and play competitive softball 5/6 days a week. But when my anxiety would kick in, I'd have a burning, pressureized pain my left pec muscle that I was convinced was a heart defect from my adderall use. I went to the cardiologist, ER and regular doctor multiple times. The EKG, Blood pressure, chest x rays and oxygen all came out perfect. But yet I would still experience this uncomfortableness. I know that there is nothing wrong, but somewhere in my mind it still wants to believe there is something there. The depersonalization also was terrible for awhile. I know what you mean. I felt like everyone around me was living a normal life and I was stuck in this alternate state. The thought of dating a girl or having a wife and kids one day terrified me. I thought I was crazy and in no way could handle responsibility of anything like that in this state. I still struggle with it sometimes, but not nearly as bad as around the 4-8 month period. So anyway, this post of yours is about 2 years old. How are you holding up these days? Have things become much better? I'm taking it day by day and there are definitely more good then bad, but some days are a struggle and I feel like I'm back at square one. -TL
  2. About One Year Addy Free

    Wow Eric, sound just like me. Although the only time I feel the anhedonia is when I am experiencing the effects of PAWS. I won't say I'm extremely stoked or completely numb, but I do feel a bit of pleasure as far as going out and doing things that I know I enjoy. I get what you mean though where deep down you know you feel something emotionally towards someone or something but you just feel numb to it. For example I love my family and my 3 year old godson. I know I love them but I feel no emotions towards them. When I go through the PAWS I also have trouble remembering what I felt like a few weeks earlier when I thought I was past all of this. Everyday is a new day and I guess it is important to stay positive. I just wish I could have someone who has gone through what we are going through tell me that now they are completely PAWS symptom free after battling with the same demons we are today. TL
  3. About One Year Addy Free

    Thanks for your response Frank. Yeah I've only done coke maybe 5 or 6 times in my life, all spread out from college to now. Never really been into it. Been around it a ton being at parties and what not. Not sure why I did it these last few times. I was around it this weekend and had no urge to do it nor adderall. I just want to feel better and want these symptoms to manifest and begin to live a "normal" life. The worst thing for me is seeing people out or on t.v. at sporting events, ect. just having a good time and me wishing that I had not messed with my brain chemistry like this. I know that eventually everything will work itself back out, especially considering I was not abusing it at a high dose. Do you think by doing the cocaine those 3 times I went back to square one in my recovery? They were about 9-11 months after last adderall.
  4. About One Year Addy Free

    Hey Drew, Thanks for the response. I totally agree with you. I was around it all weekend and had no desire to do so. Like I said I have only done it maybe 6 or 7 times in my life, all one line and done when I was drinking. The only thing is did for me was sober me up a bit. But besides that I have drank a handful of times since I've been off the adderall, no cravings for adderall while drinking. Maybe drink 2 to 3 times a month. I've been mostly sober this entire time. I was just wondering if by doing the coke it made me go back to square one of my recovery from PAWS. I definitely have more good days then bad now, it comes in about 2 to 3 weeks of bad followed by 2 months of good with minor anxiety. Today seems to be a bit better. Thanks for checking in. TL
  5. Hello all, Like many of you on here, I have been obsessed with understanding why I have been feeling the way that I have since I decided to come off adderall. I am a 29 YO male and I was prescribed 60 10mg addy a month. I never abused them, usually took 5 mg at a time, or as needed. Like everyone I felt invincible on them. I would definitely say I was not addicted, but definitely built up a tendency. I could go a day or two without them, went on multiple vacations of 7-10 days and didn't bring them with me. No problems there. Didn't need to take them as soon as I woke up. The first few weeks I actually didn't feel any physical symptoms, except maybe a little less motivation and tiredness. Nothing too bad. I quit around December 7th and on Christmas Eve '17 I was in the emergency room because I thought I was having a heart attack. Turned out to be the first anxiety attack of my life. Flash forward 13 months and here I am, still experiencing PAWS. My anxiety comes and goes as far as frequency and severeness. I have been taking CBD oil pretty regularly and I will say that there are times that it works and others that it doesn't. When they say it is a roller coaster of emotions, that is exactly how it is for me. I will start to feel "normal" like myself again for a month or two, and then out of nowhere I will start to feel panic and constant anxiety. It's horrible. Then comes the anhedonia. This is the worst. I have it right now. I just got back from a trip to Myrtle Beach with a bunch of friends for a big softball tournament. The weekend was up and down with anxiety, but for the most part I couldn't enjoy much of the trip. I love to play softball, we had a huge come back win in our first game and everyone was so excited. In my mind I was too, but I did not feel any happiness. I guess scientifically I am "depressed" although I do not feel sad, just frustrated that I'm still feeling this after 13 months. I also had just about every other psychological symptoms that come with adderall PAWS. I was also around adderalll and cocaine all weekend. Guys were doing it recreationally. I had no cravings or desire to do either one. I will admit that I have done coke 3 times since I quit adderall, all three times were during a night drinking with friends and it was one very small line each time. When I saw a drug addiction psychologist back in the spring, he had told me that if I take adderall again, it will reopen the paths of my brain that are trying to recover from the few years of adderall use. Anyone have any idea if this could be a reason why my PAWS is back and pretty brutal at the moment. Not as bad as it was early on, but still enough to not allow me to enjoy or go about my days. When you feel good for a few weeks you think you're in the clear, and then when it comes back, you feel like you're back stuck in this rutt with no way out. I am new to this forum, so I have only had a chance to read a few of your stories, but many are similar. I would say that the things that help me the most are trying to stay positive even though sometimes it feels impossible and the world will end. Also, find someone you can talk to about what you're going through. Luckily I have a good support system with family and friends. I know multiple people who have recovered from opiate addictions and they are all better now after putting in the time and trusting the process. Meditation has helped in the past, I need to start doing it again. Anyone on here take a similar dose/time frame and can tell me about how long it took them to mostly stop feeling these horrible effects of PAWS? 5-20 mg straight release a day(most days, not every)/roughly 4 years on the meds. I am now 13 months adderall free. Thanks in advance for reading and replying. We are all in this together and if anyone needs to talk I am here. I always find just talking about it always makes me feel better, at least temporarily. -TL