Ugh.

[ashley6]

So today I'm at work, and a girl comes in that I used to work with. She used to be approximately a size 12 and now she's a size 1/2. The first thing I say is "girl, you need to eat." We've talked about my adderall issues in the past, and I know she has been on it. I'm like "how are you so skinny?" She responds, "I don't know, I eat whatever I want." Instead of ending it there, my addict brain asks her if she's still taking adderall. She says yes and goes on to tell me everything going great in her life. My heart starts racing. It's crazy after 15 months off, I still get those feelings that scare me. The second I left, I reminded myself that I let adderall ruin my life, and I have to put things into perspective. Adderall can't be a part of my life...and I know that, it's just so weird how my brain goes there, and I have to kill those thoughts. Anybody else have similar experiences that catch you off guard? Just needed to vent a little.

[Zerokewl]

I've been hanging  out with an ex adderall buddy. We meet at the pub once or twice a month. He was someone I used to get pills off of.  I learned how to crush and abuse them for quicker highs from him. He's able to spend 2-3 evenings a week at the pub and manages to work a busy media job+ 2 small kids. All while being tweaked out and high on a bunch o stuff. Everyone knows it or suspects it. 
 
    I really notice the drugs effect on him. He's really slim and good looking which annoys me given his sedentary lifestyle while I am out doing bootcamps,cycling,walking etc.  Young interesting art school girls fall all over him.   He actually told me one night that after reading up on some deep ZEN breathing exercise he no longer needs to sleep. His addy logic is bizarre his mantra is "better living through chemistry". 

 

He's says everything is great. But I know that reality is different. He's had some really scary health issues over the last few years and his marriage is just for appearances.  So he takes comfort in drugs and alcohol a private hell.   He texts me the most bizzare things at odd hours.  When this guy finally does implode I don't want to be within a 50mi radius of ground 0. 
 
   This is the only time I miss the drug. But idolizing his life style got me in A LOT of trouble. I just can't keep all the lies straight in my head the way he can. While I was skinner,  more focused, with an perfectly organized sock drawer. I made ALOT of strategic errors , was tired and gaunt and I behaved like an asshole. Generally I was in a really bad cycle.  I got clean for me and I feel much better. All I can really do is pity him and pray he sees the error of his ways before it is too late.

[BeHereNow]

It's so hard to be around people who are tweaking.  It must be extra rough when their lives seem great.  But seeming is not being, and these people have their share of problems.  They are missing out on so much of life. 

 

Ashley I can almost guarantee.......your friend won't be a size 1/2 forever.  Not unless that's her natural body type.  If it's adderall weight loss, it will come back eventually.  And remember: she's probably kinda emaciated and she probably has no muscle mass.   YOU are the one who can eat whatever you want because you are a strong healthy runner!  She's on adderall, she can't eat whatever she wants because she'd have to choke it down.

 

It's good to be honest with yourself about it though.  I know it's so hard when the reminder is staring you in the face.    I have found myself coming thisclose to getting adderall from previous sources on several occasions, just because my brain went there.  It's a good reminder that we are recovering addicts and we are never too far from relapse.

 

Even 5 or 6 years out, this was true for me.  I relapsed after being clean for years, and now I'm quitting from that relapse.   Someone offered me a 5, and that was all it took.  I don't know if we'll be recovering for life, but we probably should always be vigilant and aware.

[Guest greg]

Ashley, i just want to add in HER ADDERALL METABOLISM cant hold a candle to YOUR CURRENT METABOLISM .   :)   

[ashley6]

Thank you both for sharing your stories. They made me feel better. It's so annoying sometimes how vigilant and on guard we have to be, but it's the price that comes with recovery and that's just how it goes. It's worth it. Occasional, I either didn't know or had forgotten that you relapsed after years of sobriety from adderall. I KNOW all it would take is 5 mgs for me as well. Just say no But really thanks again all!

[ashley6]

And InRecovery, you are so right!!!!

[LILTEX41]

Ashley,

Wow, yeah that must've been a hard conversation. But remember that she is just in the early stages of addiction and that down the road she'll either have to go through the recovery process just like we did or live a jacked up by Adderall addiction. You just never know when someday she might come to you for help someday.

I am so glad to be where I'm at today and not the shell of a person I was when I was on Adderall. I wouldn't trade that for anything. We are strong mighty warriors! Just think about all the things you will accomplish in your life without Adderall and how good you will feel looking back knowing you didn't take any short cuts or cheat.

Anyhow, thanks for sharing this with us and helping remind me of why I am proud I don't take Adderall today.

Hugs!

[ashley6]

LilTex,

You bring up many good points. It's crazy you said that maybe in the future I could help her, because she's already told me she's abused it in the past, got off of it, and got back on. In the early stages of my quitting she'd bring up her "medicine" to me after numerous times of me saying, I do not want to talk about it. I really hope she's ok, but if not I would totally be there for her in the future.....that's a great point. This is all a major learning process for sure. I'm also so grateful to be sober from adderall one day at a time!

[quit-once]

Wow.  this is a great thread with so many posts I want to respone to.

 

Ashley- Your "friend" will be just fine.  SHe will quit in her own way when she is ready.  I know how tough it is to be around friends who are tweaking.   I think that exposure to the substances (and their people) you have problems with is the best way to overcome their temptations.   The more times you say "no thank you" the better your chances of beating your addiction, for good.  It ain't easy but it is an important step in your recovery.

 

LilTex:  I was a shell of a person, too. 

 

Occaisonal:  I didn't remember your story but I sure needed to hear it.  We are all only one little pill away from a full blown relapse.  Thanks for that reminder.

 

Zerokewl:  Your friend is either a ticking time bomb or he will just maintain his current status for a long time to come.  Either way, not the best role model for you at the present time.  Let him know your would be really pissed if he ever offered you an adderall, ever again. 

[Zerokewl]

Great advice quit-once... next time I see him i'lll mention it. I get the feeling I will be seeing less and less of him. 

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

This really is a great thread, and I am lapping up all the threads I've missed since traveling and working so much!  

 

I was thinking:  I don't think I know anyone personally who is addicted to adderall, but I do have one friend who says she only takes it occasionally.  She's a beautiful woman, inside and out; but I think I can tell when she's tweaking because she gets really self-centered and totally bitchy.  She ruins the atmosphere for everyone around her.  I was out with her a few weekends ago and I wondered what was going on in her life to make her so full of rage at the smallest little things and I didn't realize til later that adderall may have been to blame.

 

Of course, I can't be certain.  But I am certain that if it is the case, WOW.  It really can change who you are.  And not for the better, either.  Kind of scary.