Vent

[resetBrain]

It feels like taking steps backward.

This morning my kid says to me, "Mama, you need some energy pills." ARRRRRRRGH. This is after me going to bed before 9 p.m. last night, not having enough wind in my sails to help him configure some AV equipment like he wanted. And him trying to wake me up this morning.

New level of exhaustion probably because I started taking Lamictal over the weekend......looks like a quirkly drug from what I've read...makes some people tired...makes some people energized...takes a couple months to tritate up to a therapeutic level...my brain is getting fuzzy...I understand this is to be expected and that for a lot of people it wears off after several days of each dosage increase....

So ambivalent about this. On one hand I feel like such a SELLOUT for trying another effing pharmaceutical...On the other hand I know my moods are inconsistent and I cry or feel like crying and am in general debilitated by depression or whatever way too often...and that if I don't at least give this drug a try I'm not doing right by my kid even if sometimes I don't give a damn about me anymore.

The doctor I see has been talking about me taking this drug since last fall when I got him to help wean off the Vyvanse and Adderall last fall.

 

I can ride this ride for a couple months....maybe it will work...if it doesn't, then I get off the ride.
 
Hardest is that I'm starting to question this whole paradigm/narrative I've been hanging on to,  the idea that stimulants made me sick and that time away from stimulants is what will make me well. Not that I want to take stimulants; I defintely don't.
 

[Zerokewl]

Sounds like you are having a rough week.  I'm not familiar with Lamictal , but based on your writing in this post you seem overly stressed.  Maybe getting a second opinion from a different doctor may help.  I'm going to start a new relationship with a new MD this fall. 

 

I'm really impressed you've managed to raise children and hold down a job while going through Recovery.  Every parent feels they are not doing enough to help there child.  The fact that you are so upset means you are doing a good job as a parent. 

 

Just keep trucking its almost Friday. 

[JustinW]

My wife is on Lamictal and is a lot more stable because of it.  If you need a mood stabilizer, don't beat yourself up because of that dependency.  I don't believe it is a stimulant like Adderall but I could be wrong.

[Jon]

rB, from what I read about it: It's an anti-seizure medication prescribed for bi-polar alot. There are quite a few success stories and some stories that said it made them way too tired.

 

I'm sorry that you have to be at the dwaring board once again. At least you know that any class II drug will not be an answer for you. I believe that they can all be killers to anyone like us.

 

I say vent all you want, that is part of support too...being a good listener.

[Zerokewl]

Still really Impressed! 

[resetBrain]

Thanks guys. I feel better today. Med feels weird but I feel better about the idea of taking it. Yesterday I was able to concentrate on some detailed IT kinda stuff and actually was 'in the zone' where I enjoyed it. Whoa!

[Zerokewl]

Reluctantly today I started on some anti-d's I really didn't want to go this route. However, I really couldn't take it anymore. I went to a new doctor and explained I'd abused Concerta and Adderall In the past and have been clean close to 4 months.  The doctor did not applaud and cheer as I expected. However, he gave me a script for Sertraline Hydrochloride. I'm hopin this can get me thru the next few months. 

[JustinW]

Even if he didn't cheer for you; we all are!

[resetBrain]

Yep, ZK, WE are cheering for your clean months.

 

Other than people on this board, I don't think know anybody who "gets it" about how hard the Adderall quit is.  I've even shown a couple people this site, and they still don't get it.

 

Even the psychiatrist I see now, the one who I was finally able to get help me wean off the stuff last fall, is down to "well, it can be kind of harsh." And "weren't you depressed before you started taking Adderall?" And yeah, I was. Way back years before in undergraduate school. But with basically 12 years of remission from that kind of depression before I started taking Adderall.  And I was taking Lexapro when I started taking Adderall. In a maintenance kind of way, to stave off like what now seem like minor BS problems like breaking up with boyfriend of a few months or a little job stress. The Adderall was supposed to be for concentration when I first got it prescribed.

 

But I could tell that he didn't hear me at all on that.

 

Maybe there ARE people who can stop taking stimulants, get knocked of their game for a couple weeks, then just go about life as usual. Maybe that's why it's hard for people to take this seriously.

 

Ugh, guess who's moody and bitter today?

[JustinW]

It's Monday, moody and bitter is standard operating procedure.

[Zerokewl]

Yah. Moody. So I'm going to rant about the medical community.  Pretty much every medical type I talk to about the trouble I've had getting off this says the same thing. "You should be over it now". I'm telling you my symptoms why are you denying they exist. I've heard adderall use is pretty high in the medical community.  The Adderall sales and marketing team must  win  "Most Evil" every year at the pharm. annual "Pillz Awardz". 

[JustinW]

I call Shenanigans on the whole lot

[Cassie]

When I told my doctor I was quitting Adderall (Vyvanse) because I was too addicted, she said, 'You're not addicted, you're just dependent.' Ha ha, snort. Okay lady, semantics. Granted, I never told her I abused it and I didn't look like a junkie, but the notion that you can't be addicted to an addictive substance you take every day, especially when you can dictate the dosages prescribed to you at will, is absurd. It's a joke how ignorant some doctors are. WE know how hard it is, and if you want people in person to relate to, talk to ex-meth addicts. They will absolutely understand all the nuances of quitting amphetamines, just like we do here.

[Zerokewl]

I don't think we are an isolated group. I've seen threads in ADHD forums similar to our discussions.  Our symptoms are way to similar. 

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Just catching up on this thread now. Few thoughts:

When I was going through earlier recovery (and sometimes these days too), I feel like I am losing my mind. My mood swings can be - well let's pit it this way - I don't envy whoever is around me. In fact, I was told by one doc I was bipolar II and another that I had borderline personality.

This I think is a great example of what complete bullshit the medical profession is. I Know I'm neither of those things. But stress, anxiety, deep depression and amphetamines are going to take a sane, slightly questioning human being and turn them in to a raving lunatic.

A doc tried to recommend lamictal to me. I thought, enough is enough. I am already on Wellbutrin, and something for my highly photosensitive skin (I'm so pale I burn just thinking about the sun :-)) and something for my PCOS, and the contraceptive pill. I look at my bathroom cabinet and it is full of little yellow bottles. Like I used to see in the movies as a kid and I would think, wow, that person must be reaaaallyy sick.

I know I'm not really sick. I am, however, sick of being over-diagnosed, over-prescribed, over-psychoanalysed. I know what I need to so is so simple: stop trying to be the best at everything all the time, take time to appreciate the environment and people around me, get outside more, experience new and different things, spend time with friends that doesn't involve spending huge amounts of money or talking about bullshit material things. Eat right, treat my body like something I actually want to nurture, and take care of.

It is really only now after all this time and really the last 4 years of destruction that I am starting to understand that the world will never stop demanding things of me. And I will never be a guru or a saint. But if I can start with being consistent in my attitude towards myself - that I am worth taking care of - then I can know how it feels, and that will help me take care of others too.

Anyway, back to you reset brain. I would just gently challenge you to take a walk or drive or something and just reflect on who you know you are, deep down inside. Maybe you don't know (I certainly didn't a few short months ago), in which case make it a process of discovery! You are worthy. You are smart. You will figure it out. And personally, for me, anti-psychotic drugs were not the answer.

Sorry for the tome :-)

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

, he gave me a script for Sertraline Hydrochloride. I'm hopin this can get me thru the next few months.

I've never heard of this - what is it??

[Zerokewl]

It is Zoloft I since come to learn.  Liking this new doctor he called me the other day after getting my blood work and told me to take 3000mgs of Vit D.  Vit-D is pretty harmless so if your feeling down try a large dose of Vit D. 

 

I've heard Bi-Polar thrown around once or twice also. I think this is a symptom of withdrawal . I've read you can become mildly bipolar after a brain injury.  This explains some of my really down moments over the summer. I know stopping drinking has helped though I was never a heavy drinker. 

 

I really wish there was more science on what we are going through.   

[resetBrain]

Yeah, I've heard the "Maybe a few bi-polar tendencies, that cyclical, repetitive thinking you do" and "has anyone in your family ever been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder?" And I had to laugh at myself when I left the doctor's office with that Lamictal prescription because on the little check list you have to fill out at every visit I literally wrote "up and down." What I meant was "normal and down," but that's not what I wrote. No offense to anyone who truly has bi-polar issues...and, heck, maybe I do too...but it seems like that whole diagnosis is a little trendy right now.

 

But as for now....I'm almost a year clear of Vyvance and Adderall, yet depression is still seriously jacking up my life...so I'm trying to stick out the Lamictal dosage increases...it has to be increased very slowly because of a rare but icky scary side effect...because I want my life back...and if this doesn't work, I can at least say I tried it.

 

 I have total respect, though,  for all of you who want to steer clear of all pharmaceuticals. I feel like I gave it a pretty good shot between March and now....I never got off the Klonopin....and I used a lot of supplements and vitamins...but still that was a pretty good shot for me...and, wait for it, I still ain't takin' stimulants.