pkr Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Hello all, It's been a long time since I've posted, and I've been doing pretty well. After 3-4 years of solid use, I'm about a year free of this, thank goodness. A lot of what I'd lost has come back, relationships, bonding, patience, all senses heightened in a good way. Mentally, I'm still sluggish, and my memory still suffers for sure, but I do see signs of that improving. What eludes me still, and shows virtually no signs of reappearing is a general sense of peace and warmth--that's the best way I can describe it. What I'm referring to is the awww feeling I used to get when the kids would jump in our bed on the weekends. Or the coziness of a quaint town or restaurant, or baby animals, or touching stories. After all of the progress, I STILL don't see that coming back. The weird thing, is that I don't feel a great sense of fear either. It's like both ends of my emotional spectrum have been lobbed off. And I'm nervous, because there was a specific incident that caused these feelings to go away and never come back. I'd been spectacularly worried about one of my kids who'd had a sudden, drastic behavior/energy change after having a bad flu. It took me two years of maniacal, adderall induced searching to figure out he'd developed food intolerances, and thankfully he is fine now. Long story longer, one night I was so frantically, hyperventilating(ly worried and frustrated that I thought I might die if I felt like that for another moment. And then something happened, where suddenly I felt nothing--emotionally numb--and it's stayed for 3+ years (1 year of that clean)! Some emotional components are coming back, but the general sense of safety/comfort and joy seems to be gone forever, as does a general sense of fear. I think I did some permanent damage, maybe in a PTSD way, because it's like my mind and body made a decision to only allow me to feel so much. Some of it is emotional, but it's also physical! For example, when I go on roller coasters, I'm not even scared. I don't get the stomach dropping feeling. Things that used to worry me, don't at all anymore. I can cognitively understand that I should be feeling differently, but it's like a wall went up between my heart and my mind, and they just don't work together anymore. Does this make any sense? Has anyone gone through this? Wishing you all a safe and productive journey! PKR 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted August 31, 2013 Report Share Posted August 31, 2013 I sorta relate though I don't have as much time as you. Congrats on 1 year. I know when I was using it was like angels sang when I was using excel or filling. My highes were high, lows low, and crashes even lower. My emotions were so out of whack, i find myself easily bored now. Im not as inspired (can't describe the feeling) when I see a sunrise. Maybe its just part of the recalibration our brains need to do. Or maybe we are just romanticizing the period when adderall was fun before it was hell. I refuse to believe we've broken our brains and things will never be the same. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted September 3, 2013 Report Share Posted September 3, 2013 Congratulations on 1 year! I understand the lack of emotion as I have been dealing with much of the same feelings. For me, I didn't realize that I was that way until I started to go off the meds so I don't really know when it started for me. It takes time to heal that much emotional damage but I think that finding ways to make yourself vulnerable emotionally to those close to you little by little will help you grow back into the person that you want to be. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Posted September 5, 2013 Report Share Posted September 5, 2013 Hello PKR Your story has stuck with me over the past several days. I've been thinking a lot about it. On adderall, my highs were high and my lows were LOW. My highs typically came in the morning or early in the day (because I only took adderall in the morning) and were characterized by euphoria, excitement, love, etc. I can relate to the feeling of little ones jumping in bed, a cozy quaint town, a joyful vacation moment. The feeling of warmth and peace you describe, well I honestly don't think I ever felt that on adderall even in my most euphoric moments because there was always an underlying sharp edge of anxiety riding beneath the highs. And that is something I hold on to - the fact that when I believed I was happy, underneath the surface, I was not at all happy. Off adderall now for 8 months, and my pendulum swings more toward the middle for sure, but in a good way. I so appreciate the moments of love/warmth knowing there is no sharp cutting edge beneath it, being free of adderall anxiety. But I know what you mean about missing the euphoric feeling of it all. The roller coaster and lack of physical feeling your described - interesting! It really is like your pendulum is no longer swinging to its extremes even in the physical sense. Maybe a PTSD reaction. I haven't been on a roller coaster since quitting but I'm pretty sure my stomach would still drop 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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