Here I go again..Back to day 1 tomorrow

[RoseyCheeks]

The first time I took it was perfect.  Now, six years later, 130-150mg sounds like a good day.  I don't know what I see in it anymore.. I feel like I need to constantly be alert and euphoric, so I keep taking it to prolong the feeling.  The more I take, the worse I feel.  My muscles ache, my eyes are heavy, my mouth is swollen and my throat hurts.  The worst part that I recently developed is I constantly have to pick at my skin, hair or nails. For a while I thought I was just tweaking, but its like I can't help myself, and I trick myself into thinking I need to be freaking out to have a good day on ads.  Last night I caught myself sitting on the couch for hours just looking out the window. I don't even remember what I saw or what I was looking at.  All I’m thinking now is what a waste of a few hours I could’ve taken advantage of.

 

I’m being controlled to no end.  I’ve tried quitting multiple times in the past two years, but felt I didn't really have a reason to because I didn't depend on it like I do now.  I became extremely dependent when a friend got prescribed to it and decided he didn't want to take them, ever.  I thought that was the best day of my life, but looking back it was a death sentence.  I've never been prescribed to it, so I've only taken it when I could get it, so the fact that I was getting an entire script felt unimaginable.  Like clockwork, on the first of every month, I bought 60 pills.  This year, on April 1, I bought the script as usual, then I was out by April 5.  I didn't realize I was binging until after, but I looked like shit and everyone noticed.  Since I ran out in April, the longest I’ve been able to quit is 27 days.  I’ve relapsed maybe 10-15 times since then.  Turning down pills feels insane to me.  I want to so bad, and I’ve even said no a few times, but the next day or the day after I cave.    

 

I haven’t told anyone else about my addiction, and I could guess that’s a big reason why I keep relapsing.  I’ve followed this site for a while and I’ve always wanted to write something, but never knew what to say.. I so ready to quit for good, I’m just looking for support. I’m desperate to find motivation and meaning in everything I do.  I hate feeling useless and lethargic every second of every day.  I know it will be a long time before I start feeling genuinely happy again or even normal.  I don’t even remember what I was like before I took my first pill.     

 

When I take it, I consider it my time and that's for me to enjoy by getting lost in some pointless project.  Nothing else matters and I like feeling secluded when I’m on it.  I never thought of it as a negative thing, but now I have no friends.  Thinking back to all the times I blew someone off because I was too absorbed in my work disgusts me.  Everything about this drug disgusts me, but I still want it more than anything in the world. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it, I guess that’s addiction…

 

Feeling nervous now, back to day 1 again tomorrow. .   

 

[JustinW]

Good luck with day 1, 2, 3, 4,...  You can do it but it is going to be really difficult.  You need to be honest with your supplier and tell them not to let you buy it anymore; until you break that connection it doesn't sound like you will be successful.  Some of the best advice that was given to me was to make a list of what I hated about Adderall and a list of what I liked about myself off Adderall.  I keep these on my person at all times to give me strength.

 

Welcome to the forum, hopefully you will use us as a resource to help your quit.

 

The articles on this site provide a lot of encouragement so read through them as many times as you can.  You will probably find something that you missed each time; I know I do.

[Jon]

_{A giant first step would be to beg your friend to drop their perscription or you will remain co-dependant forever.}

 

_{You must remove yourself from people, places and things that have led you to use this powerful drug.}

 

_{Try tapering down from 120-150mgs. From those levels down to zero is a huge fall..maybe too big for a sustained quit. Your timing has to be right too. Plan your quit. Start with your supplier.} 

[tessa0412]

I actually had to check who wrote this because I've been on and off writing posts for years and I seriously thought I could of wrote this.. Like I would always come here while coming down alone in my family room while the rest of the world is sleeping and write feverishly till 530 am and make a post.. Ur story sounds like mine so much that I thought I could of written it and didn't remember. The longer the time passes the more I realize how shot my memory is. Of what I did while useing. I get a memory of stupid pointless shit I did while on adderall and I literally like shake my head like physically because I'm so disgusted that I need to shake it off I used to do this and be conscious of wanting to physically shake my head to the thought now I do it and afterwards realize its super similar to a unconscious tick.

Lets try one day at a time ya?

I think it's super important to tell ur friend and others who use

Write a letter if that makes it easier

Once u do that not only does this 1000 lb weight come off but u no u cut those ties and that's huge

Next write a letter to yourself and talk about why u wanna stop and where ur ideal place would be for u in life 30 days from now. In 30 days read it and write another one and so forth . This will show u ur triggers and patterns

Knowing ur triggers and patterns and recognizing them won't cure u but trust me the first step to serenity is just being Able to realize them and realize them in that moment. We have to start new patterns an habits even if a simple walk or journaling is a new one that hey give ur self credit because its a new pattern or habit that's not one of the adderall game.

Don't forget

To breath. Breath it in exhale it out. Take ur feet like ur breath and walk out.. Step by step. Day by day

[Freedom's Wings]

Take "The 30 day challenge. " It's a start. May you be well..

Fw

[Freedom's Wings]

Take "The 30 day challenge. " It's a start. May you be well..

Fw