RoseyCheeks

The first time I took it was perfect. Now, six years later, 130-150mg sounds like a good day. I don't know what I see in it anymore.. I feel like I need to constantly be alert and euphoric, so I keep taking it to prolong the feeling. The more I take, the worse I feel. My muscles ache, my eyes are heavy, my mouth is swollen and my throat hurts. The worst part that I recently developed is I constantly have to pick at my skin, hair or nails. For a while I thought I was just tweaking, but its like I can't help myself, and I trick myself into thinking I need to be freaking out to have a good day on ads. Last night I caught myself sitting on the couch for hours just looking out the window. I don't even remember what I saw or what I was looking at. All I’m thinking now is what a waste of a few hours I could’ve taken advantage of. I’m being controlled to no end. I’ve tried quitting multiple times in the past two years, but felt I didn't really have a reason to because I didn't depend on it like I do now. I became extremely dependent when a friend got prescribed to it and decided he didn't want to take them, ever. I thought that was the best day of my life, but looking back it was a death sentence. I've never been prescribed to it, so I've only taken it when I could get it, so the fact that I was getting an entire script felt unimaginable. Like clockwork, on the first of every month, I bought 60 pills. This year, on April 1, I bought the script as usual, then I was out by April 5. I didn't realize I was binging until after, but I looked like shit and everyone noticed. Since I ran out in April, the longest I’ve been able to quit is 27 days. I’ve relapsed maybe 10-15 times since then. Turning down pills feels insane to me. I want to so bad, and I’ve even said no a few times, but the next day or the day after I cave. I haven’t told anyone else about my addiction, and I could guess that’s a big reason why I keep relapsing. I’ve followed this site for a while and I’ve always wanted to write something, but never knew what to say.. I so ready to quit for good, I’m just looking for support. I’m desperate to find motivation and meaning in everything I do. I hate feeling useless and lethargic every second of every day. I know it will be a long time before I start feeling genuinely happy again or even normal. I don’t even remember what I was like before I took my first pill. When I take it, I consider it my time and that's for me to enjoy by getting lost in some pointless project. Nothing else matters and I like feeling secluded when I’m on it. I never thought of it as a negative thing, but now I have no friends. Thinking back to all the times I blew someone off because I was too absorbed in my work disgusts me. Everything about this drug disgusts me, but I still want it more than anything in the world. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it, I guess that’s addiction… Feeling nervous now, back to day 1 again tomorrow. .