THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE!!

[JustinW]

Hang in ther FW, you are allowed to have "rocky" days.

[lunax]

Hey Freedom, I’m doing alright. It’s weird because I’m starting to feel like the old me again which is kinda nice.  Planning to stay busy this weekend, do a little laundry, maybe take a yoga class, and definitely get some rest. What about you?

[Freedom's Wings]

Jambo!

 

 

That is amazing to hear/ read Lunax! Keep truckin' bud, up and over the mountain top. Btw I love that name. Is that your birth name? 

 

Today for me as earlier stated got off to a bumpy start. I really didn't sleep well last night and woke up feeling extremely anxious, like I was in fight or flight mode. I felt really alone and had noOne and I mean NoOne to call on. As the day progressed, I began to feel a bit more "empowered" while at work nonetheless. I am thankful to have a uber understanding and compassionate boss. His generosity trickles down throughout the entire organization and makes what could and probably should seem like a boring/ useless position, feel worthwhile. Still I am in transition, yet grateful to work under such a kind being. It feels good to experience such jovial emotions about another after being totally raged out and irritable for so long. 

 

On another note...

Aside from work, there's not much going on in my life right now socially.  

I do pray to God that this improves and drastically, as does my ability to earnestly connect with others.

In the past, this trait had ALWAYS been one of my strong points. Now to say I feel quite shallow is  ummm ....much of an understatement.

Still I will be patient..

 

And  I actually have no clue what day I'm on so just a {sec} as I review previous posts...... ..... 

 

 

Ok. I'm back. Day 6. Today is Day 6. And although I felt a lil "PAWsy" throughout the day,

here I lay, in my bed, half naked ,  perhaps rambling through my thoughts....to yet again say,

but by the grace of the divine Day 6 is yet another day; Confirmed!

 

Take That in the face addy ; p 

 

For now that is all Friends and I do not say this lightly, May you be well!!  

[Freedom's Wings]

@ Lunax

 

Staying busy sounds like a great idea. I have the weekend off of work. I've just finished working out and I think tomorrow I may go to my cousins birthday party. I really don't want to but I think it'll be good for me. If not, I may peruse Barnes and Noble for a while then see what's up at the park. yep. That sounds  like a better  idea, for now anyway. Whatever I do, I will make sure to get out of the house and of my head for that matter.  Til we greet again.. Enjoy your weekend festivities!

[Freedom's Wings]

Arghhhhh....

Ok..so what the hell is this insomnia, followed by maybe 4.5 hours of light sleep, only to wake or should I say jolt from my slumber, dead ass early in the morning as if i'm well rested, yet have just realized that I'm  an hour late for work. ..
And while at least that might even seem a slightly normal reaction if only I had to work except ...it's my freaking weekend off! And i'm waking up in full on fight or flight mode..What is this?? Hmmm... might that  be a tingle of ire rousing ?? This is irritating. 2nd day this has happened. 

 

But no seriously...In this moment,  in sensing my emotions, all I can rally together is this giant force field of  rogue anxieties, which also seems to be what woke me in the first damn place!  I literally feel awakened by anxiety, by the fear of threat. My central nervous system feels all out of whack. Has this happened to anyone else?? I'm sure this isn't healthy nor a  healthy pattern of sleep. Why am I fearful? And what exactly am I afraid of? 

I think I will lay here and relax for a while and gingerly remind myself that everything is okay....I honestly have no clue why I'm in  full on fight or flight mode. There is this impending sense of abandonment as if everyone is gonna leave
me, which in turn, gives me this cosmic urge to contact my whole list of 3 people to see if they still care about me. I feel so very alone. This is tough.

Also, this morning,  I've had a couple thoughts of reusing which is NOT going to happen. But right now I believe I am just panicking and panicky for whatever reasons and experiencing these raw emotions  [that for the most part, I've grown unused to coping with,]  is causing my brain to wanna run, screaming run for the rx bottle/ my bestie. 

 

[ Inner dialogue:] Addy never makes me feel stupid or gives me awkward reactions and looks like people do. No, Addy says are you crazy? knock it off! Look at you?! You're amazing! Then, goes on to remind me in the face of any situation or awkward encounter, exactly how and why I am  " the shit."

And at the very least, while donning my super pseudo- confident stunt double, 

I wont make an utter fool of myself  by calling someone, sounding super needy, dependent, and desperate...

 

{Back 2 Reality} 

 

Shit happens.     As in these trying times, I have noOne in my life right now to which my socially awkward behavior wouldn't or doesn't just come off as maniacal or to whom I wouldn't find my weaknesses at their mercy or being later used in some ploy as a kind of twisted bargaining chip .. Sadly, I feel that although everyone knows about my addiction, and I don't overall feel judged by them, that It's better to keep calm and play nice with the people with which i'm currently encircled. Although, they're but a few to begin with, none of them truly "get" me, seem honestly interested in attempting to, or firmly appear to wholly grasp, if only, the sheer magnitude of this issue. So....all I can do for now is try to remain as positive as possible and pray to the divine that this day rhythms itself out steadily, perhaps with an ^upbeat,  and go from there.

 

Btw : It may be important to note that here recently I lost a relationship that had never gone so well anyway, still as it stood, was really my only "consistent" form of socialization and interpersonal stability. So, " pardon my French, but i'm in France." - Shout out to Kanye West, The shit is hitting the fan especially hard right now. 

 

Anywhoo I'm going to wrap this thing up as it was never my intent to ramble on this morning but for some reason I have a quicky, somewhat unsettling feeling that I got a wholeee lot more to say. ...oh the journey of life's travels. 

 

To Live is to evolve and this I know is but one of life's many transitions. In the end,  " I am" certain I WILL BE victorious. How am I so sure one might ask?? And if so, well the answer is simple  ..because "I am" a champion! That's how I know. And...

With that I will leave off with a quote from motivational speaker Joel Olsteen : " Whatever follows " I am" is going to come looking for you. "  

 

Therefore I stand in my victory! Because " I am"  a champion! 

 

Til Next Time my beLoveds, if not good *naughty naughty*      ...

 

 May you be weLL!  

 

 

Fw

 

 

Day 7: Confirmed!

[lunax]

Hey,

I'm really sorry your not feeling well. I always have a hard time sleeping and I often wake up in the middle of the night with a lot of anxiety, so I can relate to what you're saying. But I'm wondering if this has a lot to do with the withdrawal effects as well.

Try getting out of the house. Go for a walk, have lunch, go to Barnes and nobles like you had planned to. But please don't use because you know you'll hate yourself for it afterwards.

I'm not having a great day myself. Just had the most ridiculous and out of control argument with my fiancé over something incredibly stupid. I played a major part in the whole thing so I feel like shit now. I can't deny that the thought of taking a pill hasn't crossed my mind. But I know all of this is temporary and not worth me using again so I'm being strong.

Take a deep breathe and remember you're not alone. We're challenge buddies now and we are gonna get through this!

Happy 7 day

[Freedom's Wings]

Tx Lunax! I'm actually feeling better than worse. Writing and getting it all out is kind of cathartic. It also helps me to reorganize my thoughts. As of now, I'm getting ready to watch something uplifting and inspirational. Then I do plan to take on the world at some point during the day. lol. Yes we are challenge buds and we will indeed not only conquer this challenge but annihilate this entire addiction! I believe in you Lunax and I have great faith in the divine. My purpose is so much greater than being addy's byotch.     Keep ur head high over there buddy. You've got to be on day 18 or so by now correct??

 

Also, might I offer you this as an option?  if you know you held a part in the discord with ur fiance, admit to it. Get it over with and out of the way, fess up. There's no reason to punish what can be amended. And no universal calling on your being for you to feel like shit. So...instead if you just call a thing a thing, take responsibility for your role and move forward,  perhaps your admission will allow her to see her faults as well, and if not at least you didn't/ don't harbor the unnecessary negative energy.

 

 

Chat later Pal, Take Care

Fw 

 

 

 

P.S: I believe it has a lot to do with the withdrawal effects. ..Only time will tell though I suppose. I'm wondering how many others may have shared/ share a similar experience. Many times I am fraught with anxiety; and I can wake/ jolt from my slumber for no apparent reason with an intoxicating amount of anxiety and fear. 

[LILTEX41]

FW,

 

I just want to let you know that I am rooting for you!  You're doing great!  Keep on posting. 

 

Hugs!

[LILTEX41]

Hey FW, try this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEXlScN9AO0 and googling any/all self hypnosis videos for the subjects you need help with.  This self hypnosis stuff is AWESOME!!  It totally works better than any pill or drug. 

 

Hugs!

[Freedom's Wings]

Tx LT. I'll check it out before bed tonight. 

[Freedom's Wings]

Aloha, 

 

 

I'm fighting for it guys! I know it's still early in the wee hours but yes today I will own this even before I head out!

 

Day 8: Confirmed! 

 

 

I Thank you guys DEARLY for your support!

 

 

@ LT - I love that hypnosis stuff, I checked out the vid just briefly. I will most definitely be using it to go beddybye. Tx again. 

[JustinW]

I'm not having a great day myself. Just had the most ridiculous and out of control argument with my fiancé over something incredibly stupid. I played a major part in the whole thing so I feel like shit now. I can't deny that the thought of taking a pill hasn't crossed my mind. But I know all of this is temporary and not worth me using again so I'm being strong.

We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary yesterday, and let me tell you, rediculous and out of control arguments happen.  If you are not fighting, there is nothing worth fighting for!  (I know poor grammar ending a sentence with a preposition)

 

Lunax and Freedom's Wings you guys are doing awesome, keep it up and thank you for the updates!  Please remember that neither of you is ever truly alone.

 

Freedom's Wings, I love your posts and their format.  I have to laugh at myself when reading them because it takes me a long time to get through them as I have many "squirrel" moments with the different fonts and colors.

[Freedom's Wings]

I know it's late, sorry for the wait...hooray!! Day 8 : CONFIRMED!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

You guys are fantastic.  I love this joint accountability stuff.

[LILTEX41]

Great job FW!!!!  You're doing awesome!

[lunax]

Thanks guys!

Happy 9th day FW...

I think this is D20 for me

Feeling good!

Constantly hungry and a little sleepy but I guess this just means I'm human lol

[JustinW]

Almost to the finish line Lunax!

 

FW you are 30% their, keep going.

[ashley6]

Feeling good!

Constantly hungry and a little sleepy but I guess this just means I'm human lol

I love this. I think learning and accepting that we are human is such an essential part of quitting and recovery.

I'm really impressed by you two, Lunax and Freedom's Wings....keep it up!!

[lunax]

I love this. I think learning and accepting that we are human is such an essential part of quitting and recovery.

 

thanks

[Freedom's Wings]

Salvete! ( hello in Latin) 

 

You guys give me wings. I could literally shed a tear right now! Oh what would I do without you?? I actually ask myself this daily. Thank you sooooo soooo very much for your continued support. Everyone. Ashley, Lunax, Lil Tex,1bad, Inrecovery, Colorado, Motivation follows, and anyone who I may have forgotten.  These names are off the top off my head. 

 

@Lunax, You Rock! Day 20 is badass! I pray that I never catch up. keep going I don't mind chasing you. ; ). Tx for the nod. Today is indeed day 9!

 

@LilTex, I partially listened to that hypnosis session last night. It's seems like a really good one. I am picky about those things. They don't all work the same for me. From the portion that I heard this one seems to really help you transcend. Tx. I plan on listening to the entire vid tonight. Let you know how it goes. 

 

MoreOver and Lastly, today has been a Longggggg one. I am just making it home from work. As of now, i'm getting ready to eat and watch Life class. Anyone who hasn't checked out Life Class, I'd encourage you to do so. It's a very interactive and inspirational series on the OWN network. Anywhooo....For now That's all folk's- shout out to my homie porky pig. lol.

 

 

 tisk  tisk  And of course not to be forgotten,  now I'll take this time to say,  today I'm feelin' just fine, while killin' this time,  hooray   Yep, It's Official! 

 

Day 9: Confirmed!

 

Til we greet again! Be Well! 

 

Fw

[LILTEX41]

FW,

 

Yeah, I listened to the whole thing the other night, but I found some others that are a lot better.  I just started getting into this stuff, but so far I love it. 

 

Anyhow, so glad to hear you are doing well. 

 

Keep shining!

[Freedom's Wings]

Thank you so much!!! 

 

@ LilTex you are awesome. I'm up late tonight as I don't have to work in the morning. I am however on my way to sleep. I just paused that hypnosis vid you told me about because I keep getting text messages. grrrrr  . I Just want to say that i'm actually loving this video. I feel like it's talking directly to me. Feel free to share any others. okeydoke. NiteNite Gang. 

[Freedom's Wings]

Ciao,

No more internet?? wth at&t..... **Dread**

Double Digits, Stickiing with it: Day 10: CONFIRMED!

Just realized im 1/3 of the way down!

[Jon]

^{Freedoms Wings and Lunax, You two are living proof that the Buddy system works like a charm.  Keep up the good work. I'm pulling for you both to meet your goals.... and then some.}

[lunax]

Thanks Jon