Popular Post Motivation_Follows_Action Posted September 18, 2013 Popular Post Report Share Posted September 18, 2013 Well, I'm gonna go out there and say it... big deep breath... I lost my job. Again. I left last week. Was told it was due to Headcount reductions and last in first out etc etc (the firm wasn't making a lot of money which I found out the day after I joined when they posted their first ever loss as a company, and its gone downhill since then) But when I think about my performance in this job... Honestly? I wasn't ready. I took on too much too soon and I should have rested and got my confidence back. I saw this job as my nirvana, a chance to redeem myself, and I did what usually leads to doom: I over-invested myself: traveling 70% of the time, client lunches, client dinners, thought I could break the record of the first new hire ever to bring in a big deal within 3 months of joining blah blah. In the end, I was exhausted and started to get emotional about decisions and things. It was like I was on adderall but I wasn't. All those feelings of being strung out and wired were strangely repeating themself, but this time without the drug. I almost didn't post that here because I don't want to cause alarm, but I want to be honest with all of you and remind you that adderall addiction is a serious fucking thing and it takes a LOONG TIME to get over. So now, I'm in a very interesting spot. I'm jobless, and my (once stellar) resume makes me look, well, less than loyal and is probably going to raise eyebrows (3 jobs in 3 years, all very senior? was there something wrong, they will ask), but you know what? For the first time in probably 5 years, I really coudn't care less what "they" think. Sure I may have no income right now which will be a problem in a couple of months, but right now, I need to give myeslf time and space to regain my confidence and remember that I don't need to prove anything to anyone, except myself. It's a nice place to be. And I'm having FUN! Reading and taking in the world, without fear, just being. (don't get me wrong I do get anxiety a lot for no apparent reason, but I'm working on it!) I just don't know how I'm ever going to want to go back to work again... being a housewife is, for the first time ever for me, kind of nice! (for now... I would probably want to kill the neighbor's dog after a while... but for now..) I think I'm learning the lessons I should have learned during my early recovery days. Everything is going to be ok. It's going to work out. That's all any recovering adderall addict needs to know. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted September 18, 2013 Report Share Posted September 18, 2013 You seem so....at peace...right now. I don't have a lot of advice, since I'm not in the fast-paced business world, but I can only imagine the stressors of that along with recovery. Recovery is a like a full-time job sometimes, and I'm SO happy you're giving yourself the time to heal, that you didn't really allow yourself thus far. You have been more than successful in my book, and you deserve this time to truly heal and rest your brain for awhile. You got through this without taking adderall, so helllooo...SUCCESS. Recovery is a long process, you are so right! But we ARE recovering and that's what's important. I'm sorry for the circumstances but so glad you've come to these realizations. Thanks for sharing, my friend. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted September 18, 2013 Report Share Posted September 18, 2013 That sucks you lost your job, but I totally get not being ready and taking on too much too soon. I stayed at my horrible job for 18 months after I quit Adderall because that's how long it took for me to feel like I had the confidence to look for something else and go on interviews again. Now, after two months unemployed, I'm starting to lose confidence again. I've been on lots of interviews but I haven't wanted any of the jobs and I don't want to settle. The more interviews I go on, the less I feel I have to offer anyone, if that makes sense. I've never liked a job before, I don't know what that's like - I'm trying to accept that I may never have a career purpose or whatever. Anyway, I'm sure you'll find something else when you're ready. And, it is really nice to not work for a while and just sit around and read, or work out, cook, etc. So, enjoy your time off! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted September 18, 2013 Report Share Posted September 18, 2013 Sorry to hear about your job. I really believe that job was just a stepping stone to the next job. I've read that confidence must be practiced like learning wordpress or knitting. Repetition is key. Recovery takes practice and training. I'm in a similar situation, unemployed and rebuilding, I miss my old job terribly somedays. Every time I find self replaying a boardroom meeting from my old job. I picture a cardboard box in my head with "Post" (I used work at a newspaper) written on it and place those thoughts in the box. I hope you find a new job that satisfies you. I wish I had more advice for you, I thought a lot about what I wanted to say to you. But being in a similar situation I don't want to project something negative on you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted September 18, 2013 Report Share Posted September 18, 2013 MFA, I'm so sorry to hear about your job. But I truly admire the way you are handling it so gracefully and peacefully. I don't think many people in this world would be able to handle losing a job so well, with so much strength to keep moving forward, without blaming anyone else, AND perhaps most importantly, without being hard on yourself. (That in itself is also success!) I really appreciated what you said about what a long time this recovery takes, and how the adderall mentality can project itself forward even long after we've stopped. So many of the habits we've built after years on adderall are really hard to break (beyond just the pills.) Things like being a perfectionist, working too hard, being antisocial. So I want to thank you for this huge piece of wisdom you've just offered us: we have to quit not just the drug, but also ALL of the bad habits that go along with it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted September 18, 2013 Report Share Posted September 18, 2013 Sorry to hear about your job. I really believe that job was just a stepping stone to the next job. I've read that confidence must be practiced like learning wordpress or knitting. Repetition is key. Recovery takes practice and training. I'm in a similar situation, unemployed and rebuilding, I miss my old job terribly somedays. Every time I find self replaying a boardroom meeting from my old job. I picture a cardboard box in my head with "Post" (I used work at a newspaper) written on it and place those thoughts in the box. I hope you find a new job that satisfies you. I wish I had more advice for you, I thought a lot about what I wanted to say to you. But being in a similar situation I don't want to project something negative on you. I don't know about 'practicing' confidence, unless you mean confidence in performing a specific skill, like a musical instrument, where the better you get at the instrument the more confident you are in your ability to play it. I think what most of us are struggling with in the aftermath of addiction is self-confidence, which for me is a natural byproduct of feeling comfortable and at ease with myself, not a metric based on how many tasks I've completed. Sometimes I miss my job too, but I think what I really miss is the routine and the stimulation of being around people all day, not the actual job itself which I found quite boring. It can be hard when you're at home and you don't have that routine to fall back on anymore. Try not to think about your old job - it's done, you can't go back, and you're probably only remembering the good parts of it. I think there will be better jobs in our futures - we just need to have faith. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted September 18, 2013 Report Share Posted September 18, 2013 I was thinking about this quote. Confidence is fragile and must be drawn from multiple sources that are true to you. Confidence is a practice.Confidence is in knowing your strengths and weakness and enjoying what you are good at while taking action to improve. If you think 'a result' or 'a number' will all of a sudden MAKE you confident - you've got a huge disappointment coming. Find a process and take actions towards a goal that you want, but EMPOWER yourself during that process. If you believe in what you are doing and feel good about the decisions you are making and the actions you are taking - you can't lose. If you take actions that don't feel right or that you don't believe in with the hopes that the end result will make up for it - where do you end up if the result is not what you hoped for? How can one be confident with both a disappointing result and an inauthentic process? Enjoy your process, strive to be better, be determined, persistent, and aim high. If the results don't come right away - keep going. Take the hits, fail better, be better, and eventually NOT giving up and finding ways to improve WILL get you where you want to be. "The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward." - Amelia Earhart 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted September 18, 2013 Report Share Posted September 18, 2013 I'm sorry that you lost your job, but I am glad to hear that you're dealing with it so well! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted September 18, 2013 Report Share Posted September 18, 2013 Your optimism shines brightly. You are an inspiration for me. Enjoy your rest. Thank you for sharing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted September 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2013 I think what most of us are struggling with in the aftermath of addiction self confidence. I think there will be better jobs in our futures - we just need to have faith. You have hit on something really big here. Self confidence, as I learned the hard way, does not come from external validation. It doesn't come from pats on the back or a big title or a fat paycheck. Self confidence comes from knowing that no matter what steaming pile of shit you happen to be walking through, you are going to be ok. It's right, Cassie, it's about faith. I look back to this time last year when my addiction was at its peak - I would go from place to place, hardly remembering what had happened 20 mins before, move on the whatever was the next thing to grab my attention (usually some detailed process that needed unraveling and of course it made perfect sense to me that this wasn't a job for a junior person, it was mine all mine)? And disenfranchise people and never follow up and never take any risks, unless they were mammoth and usually cringe-worthy. Anyway, just back to your point Cassie, developing confidence should be a bi-product of trying new things that interest you and that you get good at. I need to think about that more, now I'm getting maternal, dammit? Nice to be in touch, sorry for the rambling in... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted September 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2013 You guys are part of the reason I feel ok about it! It's easy to say and hard to do... Be gentle with yourself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 Have you killed the neighbor's dog yet? I warned my neighbor about his dog and have subsequently tried to kill him (the dog) 3 times without any luck. Seriously though, I hope things are still going well for you. Do you think that you will ever return to the workplace or are you now retired? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted September 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 Haha, 1Bad.... nope I haven't killed the neighbor's dog... yet... although it sounds like it's not quite as bad as your neighbor's dog?! Thanks for checking in, it's really nice -- this community is so awesome and I'm glad you're part of it. I have to return to work, unfortunately finances don't stretch that far for me and my husband (I've mentioned it before but I developed an unbelievably massive spending problem while I was on adderall and although I'm not in debt, I am not where I should be in terms of savings, retirement etc). I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my career, really. It is 4 weeks ago tomorrow that I lost my job and I've spent most of the time, well, just learning how to be. If that makes sense. I am very lucky that my husband has a good job and we don't have kids so I can last a little bit longer without too much impact, and I am keen not to jump too soon, like I did last time. I really need to learn how to do life. Anyone got any suggestions on that one? How do you "do" life when you've been a workaholic for 15 years? And how are you doing, 1Bad88? Hanging in there it seems. Keep posting!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 How do you "do" life when you've been a workaholic for 15 years? I seriously I wish I knew. I struggle with this question. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 I've always had the attitude that I'll figure things out and have a direction for my life when I grow up; the thing is I don't want to grow up. Seriously, NOBODY has got it figured out. I have been miserable at my job for years and Adderall actually made things palateable. Since quitting, I have been able to find ways to make it through the day so I can use it to support a lifestyle that focuses on things that truly make me happy. This is a much better existance. I am not espousing being complacent but for the first time I am puttng less pressure on myself to figure out my next career step (this one was a bit of a step down, but still executive level). I am excited for you because you have sooo many exciting opportunities available right now and the possibilities are endless for what you could end up doing for the next step in your career and life plus you have spent some time realizing that being a workaholic is not what we were put on earth to do. Too many "I"s in that paragraph, sorry about that. My life isn't perfect and I have bad days, but things are way better than they have been in the past year. Thanks for asking. Now for that little b*****d mutt next door... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 happiness is a choice. I took adderall because i hated my job too. Adderall defined our mood we were instantly happy or angry. It made the choice for us it altered our moods and our minds. Into some simplified model of what a happy person should be. When we wanted to be happier we took more and when we wanted to sleep we took less. I'm making that choice to be happy no matter my circumstance. I am happy and grateful for what I have. Work to live not live to work. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted September 26, 2013 Report Share Posted September 26, 2013 Amen to that, brother 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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