Need some motivation

[llwilson]

I have been on Adderall for 9 years, varying strengths, for inattentive ADD. I used to be so happy and laugh all the time, but the past couple of years I have noticed my personality seem to dull out. I find it very hard for me to make friends now because I am always so anxious. I have taken my meds as prescribed up until the past year. I also have OCD and am currently seeing an OCD specialist. I have started taking more medication than prescribed at times, some of this I believe is my OCD kicking in and my need to "count things". I have wanted to get off Adderall for awhile now, but am afraid I will not be able to function. I feel like I can't concentrate on or off Adderall now, I am a scatterbrain, but after doing much thinking I believe the Adderall could be making my OCD worse and maybe that's been my problem all along, maybe I'm not ADD. I have read several posts that make me hopeful I will be able to focus and concentrate after some time of being off Adderall, and that things will get better if I quit taking it, both socially and mentally. I feel like I don't want to talk when I take it, I'm always nervous and social situations (both on and off it), and I have a hard time expressing myself. It makes me not want to hang out with people, so I feel like I've turned into a loser loner. I have made the decision in the past week to stop my Adderall. I have taken varying doses over the years, but I find that I do best on 10 mg pills several times a day, rather than a 20mg or 30mg in the morning. I am prescribed 10 mg 5 times a day. i have felt like this is necessary for me because I work long hours as a nurse in a very busy ER. But I want to stop, I want to do this on my own and regain my life and my social abilities, I feel like this forum may help me do that. I need some motivation and some success stories Please comment, any advice is much appreciated!!

[JustinW]

Welcome to the forums.  You can quit, my suggestion is to read through all of the articles here several times to help you develop a plan for quitting so you only have to do it once.  It takes time but you will get back to your real self.  Adderall is a nasty drug and a liar; I still find myself getting sucked into the lies but I tell myself that they are exactly that.  I had a really hard time last Friday with the lies and I had about an hour where my body seriously wanted to start using again but I had to tell myself that I wouldn't find the answers to my problems in the bottom of a bottle.  From my other posts you may see that I was unable to get rid of my pills until about 7 months; get rid of yours as early on in the game as possible and cut off your source so you aren't tempted to start using again.  Come here as often as you need for encouragement or to vent, that's why we are all here.

[Wood]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXmIJcYkbjo

[lunax]

I developed really bad OCD when I first began abusing adderall. For example I keep a notebook of things to do and at one point I use to erase and rewrite the same exact things just to make it look neater....to no one other than myself! This kind of stuff doesn't happen when I'm off adderall so maybe now that you're taking a break you can assess whether your OCD is related to your meds.

[Jon]

 

 

 

 

_{I relate to your story on many levels. I had onset OCD behaviors while taking Adderall too. Most of us did, if not all of us. It is a common occurrence. The OCD behaviors go away rather quickly after stopping. These behaviors don’t kick up much of a fuss while leaving you either. It’s the only hurdle that goes away without a fight, that I can think of right now. Other hurdles like tiredness, feeling like doing things and being social will take longer, but doable if you can keep faith in the process.}

 

_{I took Adderall for 12 years and I can tell you that what you are experiencing now, on Adderall at 9 years, will only get more challenging as time goes on. I stayed on it for those extra 3 or 5 or 6 years for the exact reason as you: fear that I won’t be able to function. I have a demanding job as well with lots of mandatory overtime. Also, I NEVER took a vacation day from the pills in all those years of using Adderall because of the same fear. Even though the final years of taking the pills were miserable, I was still afraid to quit by myself. Alone it was too big. I found the courage to quit after I discovered this website. I found other people who were going through the same thing I was and I found strength with that knowledge.}

 

_{Stay close to this site. Be a student of the articles and forum threads. Make yourself a plan for quitting. You will only want to have to do this once. Keep us posted.}

[Zerokewl]

OCD I can relate. I really enjoyed excel when I was in Adderall. Changing fonts,diagrams etc.  Jon lays out some pretty solid advice. Get ready to quit. Cushion the crash landing.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I'd never experienced OCD before adderall, so I didn't even realize I was developing these traits until, we'll, now?! It's nice to be able to put a label on it... One that is absolutely accurate.

I will have to disagree with Jon though, some of the thinking patterns, the personality traits, are almost an indistinguishable dark shadow to the "normal" me. For example, my password recreations. I am paranoid enough as it is about security. And having to recreate all my passwords (of the accounts I remember!) has been time consuming. If I had been on adderall this process would have taken 3 times longer simply because I wouldn't have trusted the first, second or 3rd password I'd created; I probably would have lost days researching tors and encryption and probably wouldn't have gotten anywhere, due to the OCD. Does that make sense?

But back to my point - I still have my moments. I am still somewhat socially paranoid, I still write lists of things to do and do anything but things on those lists, I still fall in love with my own ideas and sometimes refuse to listen to anyone else. Part of that is me, and part of it has been developed and embedded by the adderall.

Those traits are ugly, and l believe lost me my job. They take a long time to unwind. Patience is not one of the things bestowed upon us by adderall!

[llwilson]

Thank you all for responding! I went 2 days with no adderall and was a little upset with myself today, I took 3 over the course of the day at work (I am prescribed to take 5 a day). This all goes back to the OCD thing...I have had OCD counting issues since I was younger so I know I have OCD off Adderall as well. My thing is, if I have a bad day at work (which I did yesterday), or I have a bad day, I think I have to take extra Adderall the next day to reverse what happened that day and make it better. I know that doesn't make sense, it's really hard for me to describe. So I'm fighting a viscous cycle...taking too much Adderall because of OCD...and having increased OCD because of the Adderall. I also had a bad day today, it just wasn't my day at work. So my thought is...take more tomorrow and I will have a better day. I like the number 7 so that is the number I usually take to reverse a bad day. I feel that if I don't reverse the "bad day"  I will never have another good day. Does that make sense? Regardless, I am trying to fight taking any tomorrow at work. I know it is just OCD telling me I need to. And it also helps me concentrate, but in the long run I know it's making me way more anxious, less personable, less friendly (I noticed I was very depressed today and unfriendly/short to my patients and sometimes my coworkers). I fear that when I quit for good I am going to be so out of energy and so depressed, it just scares me. But when I read your posts, it gives me hope that I will heal in the future. Thank you for all your comments! And please keep them coming! I don't want to give in to the temptation to take my Adderall tomorrow! 

 

P.s. - the reason I still have my Adderall in the first place and haven't destroyed it is that I have a friend that takes it as well and I told her I would give her the rest of mine instead of wasting it. She does not abuse it. I would love to just stick it in the mail to her to get it out of the house, but that is highly illegal. So I'm trying to wait until I see her again. But I think it's tempting me even more with it being in the house with me.

[JustinW]

Are you really sure that you want to give your friend your pills?  I see the damage that I did to my relationships on Adderall and I couldn't support a friend poisoning themselves physically and mentally.

[llwilson]

Yea you may be right 1Bad88, I didn't really think about it like that b/c she's been on them longer than I have. But seeing the damage it's done to me it may be best if I destroy them now...

[JustinW]

Therapeutic too!

[JustinW]

I wanted to check in, how are you doing?

[llwilson]

Not great, I haven't gotten rid of them yet and am ashamed to say I am still using them the same way. I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday about quitting them and he does not think I should quit them cold turkey, he wants me to go down to 3 a day and wean off of them. But the hard thing for me is it's all or nothing. My "3" today has turned into 7. And I get so down on myself when it happens. I feel so weak, like I will never be able to do it. Everybody I've mentioned it to thinks I'm crazy for making such a "rash" decision, and "where did this come from all of a sudden??". But nobody understands if you haven't been in my position. I feel like I'm losing motivation to quit and I don't want that to happen. Now people have made me feel crazy for wanting to quit cold turkey. I think it would be better just to quit them and be done with it, but other people say to wean off them. Any suggestions? I feel so lost

[Cassie]

Weaning is the way to go...if you're not addicted. If you're addicted, and especially if you're abusing, weaning will be impossible because the drug is more powerful than your willpower to resist it. You will be unable to resist taking more if it is available - that's how addiction hijacks your reward system. You have seen this play out many times. It's all or nothing, you said it yourself.

 

You can quit cold turkey. There is no danger in it. Look at it this way: if you went to rehab you wouldn't be slowly weaned off Adderall - they would confiscate your bottle and bye, bye Adderall. You will feel tired and depressed and crappy for a while, so it's best to arrange the initial crash when you have time off work to do nothing. Recovery takes a long time, but trust me, it's doable if you want to get sober and get rid of this horrible addiction. I don't think you'll find any longtime successful quitter on this site that didn't quit cold turkey (anyone who actually ever took more than prescribed, that is). We all had to quit cold turkey because we failed at weaning. And quitting also meant cutting off our supplier so we couldn't easily get a refill.  

[lunax]

I can't offer expert advise on quitting as I have relapsed more times than I can count. But I have "quit" many times and for long periods of time and Cassie is right...there is no such thing as weaning yourself off adderall when you're addicted to it. You can either flush or finish off your supply and take it from there. What I can say is that although I have always felt like shit during the first few weeks of quitting, this feeling is not nearly as bad as the feeling you get after an adderall binge. I haven't taken it in 15 days and I'm already feeling a lot better. I have some energy, enough to get me through a busy work day. I'm sleeping better and starting to appreciate the little things like the feeling of the fall air on my skin. Last night I went to dinner with a friend who I hadn't seen in a while and who doesn't even know I take adderall, and she said "wow you look alive today, something is different about u" and she is absolutely right.

Consider getting rid of them and give the quit a try.

[ashley6]

As Cassie said, weaning is the way to go...if you're not addicted. Alcoholics don't stop drinking by only allowing themselves one or two drinks a day, and from what I've seen of those on this site, us adderall addicts are the same. Even with the best intentions, it's addiction. I speak from experience of trying weaning... I was always right back to my normal abuse within a week. I hope you make the choice to dump the pills and do it. It's scary, I know, but you can do it!!!!

[JustinW]

Well, there's 3 people who are telling you that you aren't crazy for wanting to quit cold turkey.  They covered it so well that there just isn't much left to say other than I know that you can do this, you have shown incredible strength by being honest with people you know and don't know so you are strong enough to kick this.

[llwilson]

Thank you all for your responses! You guys are awesome! I want today to be the day that I destroy the rest of my pills. There's just that slight hesitation in me that wants today to be "the last day" with them and get my house cleaned up! Lol. I've read several responses that say to wait until you have a break from work, but I have 5 days in a row of 10 and 12-hour shifts in the ER starting tues, 3 days off after that, and then 6 in a row before i get a 5 day break from work! So I guess there's no better day to quit than today. Every time I think about doing it I get really nervous and start thinking what if I need them in those long days of work. But then I also know I want to get off these pills and be able to do this on my own, be able to socialize again, be able to have some life back in my eyes and get my old personality back. I feel like adderall has dulled me so much. Does anybody else feel this way? There's so many conflicting feelings. I am so thankful to be a part of this forum where I can relate to people about these issues!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hi ll,

 

Yes this forum is awesome.  Some genuinely amazing people and stories here - you're welcome to come here as often as you like/need/want!  

 

My 2 cents:  there is never a "good" time to quit something you are dependent on.  There will always be work, family, other things going on in your life.  Having said that, it sounds like you really want to quit but you haven't come up with a plan.  Some people are really good at this... for me it was forced upon me but the first 5 weeks were horrible.   Then again, I was generally a very unhealthy specimen, so probably don't look at me as a model for recovery.  

 

What does having a plan involve?  Read up a bit on dopamine and adderall - there's lots of great stuff on this site - so you know the science behind why you feel so shitty.  Get your diet in order, stock up on supplements (everyone raves about L-tyrosene for a reason, it's THAT good (and your body is naturally depleted of magnesium so stock up there)); be willing to feel pretty shitty for a while.  Know it will get better.  And there is another side.  My thought is that if you know what you're going to be going through, you'll be less likely to relapse.  

 

Of course all of the above applies if you're going cold turkey.  I've never been able to wean off adderall - I'm just too addicted to it that I can't not binge.  

 

Good luck!  You can do this!

[Cassie]

Make sure you cut off your supply too (your doctor). Otherwise it's too tempting to go back when you're feeling shitty, and you know that a pill will make you feel relieved instantly. Your prescribing doctor is not your ally in quitting Adderall. Remember, your doctor doesn't think amphetamines are harmful or addictive, otherwise he/she would not prescribe them. But you know better because you know the damage they have done to YOU. Successfully quitting means removing your access to the drug and the drug pusher.

 

Also, if you didn't genuinely have ADD before you started taking Adderall, you'll sure as fuck have it when you quit. And if you did have it, it will be a thousand times worse than before. Let's call it iatrogenic ADD. That's why it's important to not relapse and give your brain time to recover from this dopamine deficiency.

 

Some books that I found helpful to read were "On Speed: The Many Lives of Amphetamine" by Nicholas Rasmussen and "Anatomy of an Epidemic" by Robert Whitaker. Good luck with your quit!

[JustinW]

But then I also know I want to get off these pills and be able to do this on my own, be able to socialize again, be able to have some life back in my eyes and get my old personality back. I feel like adderall has dulled me so much. Does anybody else feel this way? There's so many conflicting feelings. I am so thankful to be a part of this forum where I can relate to people about these issues!

Your feelings are normal, but you WILL get better, you WILL recover, and you WILL be able to get most of your old personality back.  I say most because we can never revert 100% back to our old selves as we have matured and evolved into slightly different people due to life circumstances.

[Jon]

This is only a suggestion. You know yourself and your schedule better than anyone else. How about that upcomming 5 day break from work as your target date for quitting? That is a pretty nice sized window for being in bed or on the couch watching TV. It would give you a good amount of lead time to gather all the food and other supplies you will need during the 5 days and after going back to work. Stock up on as much food as you can, just not perishable food.

 

Yes, Adderall has dulled our senses to the point of being numb to our emotions. This was a great benefit for me when I started taking the drug because the last place I wanted to be was at a job I hated. I was able to be there and do the job well, but didn't feel the painful emotions associated with the situation. Adderall was like novacaine for my emotions. It took me years to figure this out because I always felt more alive and more feeling on Adderall in the begining. It's been said many times before that all that Adderall gives you in the beginning, it takes back secretly over time. No exceptions on the taking back stuff either. The most obvious is taking back the energy you borrowed from Adderall...with interest.

 

A final point, and Ashley said it so well, is you have to destroy your stash of pills. You can put them in coffee grinds in a bag and throw them in the trash. It's not vitally important for everyone to do this, but in your case, it is clearly a must do. Also, get a new doctor and tell them your experience with taking stimulants.

 

Best wishes llWilson. You can do this if you want it bad enough. Your desire to want it will grow stronger with time, as you notice little pieces of youself returning. I'm pulling for you real hard. I work 12 hour shifts too, averaging 55 total hours a week. For totally selfish reasons, I would like a 12 hour shift buddy.

[llwilson]

Wow, thank you guys for caring enough to respond to my posts. That means so much to me! Jon, this quote really stood out to me:

 

"Adderall was like novacaine for my emotions. It took me years to figure this out because I always felt more alive and more feeling on Adderall in the begining. It's been said many times before that all that Adderall gives you in the beginning, it takes back secretly over time. No exceptions on the taking back stuff either. The most obvious is taking back the energy you borrowed from Adderall...with interest."

 

That really sums it up perfectly. Adderall was great for awhile, but eventually you end up in a worse place than you were to begin with. I have saved 3 pills to take tomorrow and 2 to take Wed, just to "prove to myself" that I can take them like I'm supposed to. I had an off day today and took more than expected, so I did flush all of my pills but the last 5. That symbolizes me being in control and being able to control how much I take tomorrow and the next day and "tapering off" if that's what you'd like to call it. I have many emotions inside me as I destroyed those pills today, nervousness and excitement being among those. I am nervous as to how I will feel the next few weeks, but I am excited to discover the real me. Thank you all for your support as I start my road to recovery!!

[lunax]

and that she did! I even saw the video to prove it!!! <3

[JustinW]

Owning it, way to go llwilson!