Ali Posted September 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 No I will make it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyper_critical Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 And you know that accidents can happen And it's okay, We all fall off the wagon sometimes It's not your whole life It's only one day You haven't thrown everything away. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nan4Kdtz-9w 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Posted September 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 I think I'm going to have a breakdown. What do you do to counter this affect? I just can't cope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Posted September 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 When is the worst over? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 Ali, what types of things are you doing to help with your symptoms? I know it's hard but exercise can help a lot; the same goes for a good diet. Do you currently have a therapist? I would suggest making some appointments to talk about coping skills. The worst part will be over before you know it, keep fighting we are all proud of you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 Ali, I think you and I might have a similar story. I had a really tough time with my husband when I was at the height of my addiction, and then to top it all off, he had to bail me out of the psych ward when I ended up suicidal. I am eternally grateful to him for being there, and I hope he doesn't ever put me through anything similar in the future. But the fact is, that although you feel like shit, you have started the process of recovery! Yes, that sounds trite and you probably just want to curl up and go to sleep and numb yourself again but please, please trust me - that is the worst thing you can do... first because you are denying your better self the opportunity to succeed in what is the hardest thing you could ever possibly do in your life; but also because in my experience and from what I've read here, with each relapse comes terrible, terrible self hatred. Sounds like you already are struggling in that area... don't add to it. How are you doing today? I found the first time around (before I joined these forums) really tough. The next time (when I joined the forums) I did my homework, started taking BAZZILLIONS of supplements, and uh, told my husband. At least he felt sane, knowing what I was going through and that he hadn't married a nutcase (ahem, well, jury's probably still out on that one ;-)). Are you taking supplements? Caffeine, redbull, 5 hr energy, green tea, WHATEVER, just as long as it's not amphetamines. Hang in there! YOU CAN DO THIS 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 PS your children deserve better. They want their mommy back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freedom's Wings Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 Ciao MFA, Every man can, if he so desires, become the sculptor of his own brain†Santiago Ramón y Cajal- Loving this quote right now. Presently, just sitting with it, Meditating on it, and damn it feels good. Fw 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Posted October 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2013 I'm down to 5mg of adderall. I have been weaning off for two weeks and I have two more days before it's over. I know I have to stop but I don't want to. I love the insidious little rush and drive it gives me. I love smoking in the morning when I have taken my first pill. I love the ability it gives me to focus and filter out all the crap I don't want to think about. I love dopamine swimming in my brain and the feeling of well being that washes over me. Why should I stop and give all that up? Because it's killing my soul it's destroying who I am and who I can become. I hate the feeling I'm cheating those around me, I hate the secrets, I hate the anxiety, the personality changes that make me feel buried under its influence. It's like being possessed that little pill is like the door to letting a demon enter your soul and eat away to destroy all that's unique and special about me. I'm possessed by it and it consumes me. Without it I'm a shell I have to face my insecurities, rebuild my dignity face the mundanity of sobriety, boredom but worse of all I have to face myself. I didn't like me I wasn't good enough, something was missing and adderall filled the void. Ironically I have discovered that there must have been things I did like or why would I decide to stop. Or am I stopping because I don't want to lose my family my husband my life as I know it. Deep down within myself I know I want to reclaim who I was but I have forgotten who she is. Am I enough to live happily ever after. The first time I got clean I thought I was but my spouse cheated on me. Leading me to think I wasn't enough how could I be? My rational brain tells me that it's up to me to measure my worth not the actions of others. But that nagging doubt pervades my thoughts. One things for sure I have to try because loosing my family is the greatest fear and motivator I have. So sobriety is my only option. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted October 17, 2013 Report Share Posted October 17, 2013 "the mundanity of sobriety" - wow, you are deep into believing the addy lies with that one. You may have forgotten who you were, but don't worry; she will come back better than ever with a renewed appreciation for life. Things will improve greatly for you. Don't let your husband's infidelity get in the way of how you feel about yourself, it is his deficiency not yours! I am glad that you have nailed down your motivator now go get your prize. Keep up the good work weaning off the poison. You can do this and you will enjoy your family soooo much more once you kick it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted December 31, 2013 Report Share Posted December 31, 2013 I know this is an old post, but I can't help but relate to what Justin said about having forgotten who you are. I feel I'm in those shoes right now. There were plenty of points in my life that I was proud to be sober and that I went through so much hell completely clean. I didn't rely or look forward to anything other than what I could accomplish or whatever endorphin I could muster up via physical effort. I lost that and became lazy because of the instant gratification of a pill. The pain I've been feeling emotionally was gone via a legal amphetamine that I was abusing. Some people get energy from it, I became a lazy, complacent bastard now that I'm thinking about it. I went from being in dynamic shape, to a good reader sitting on my ass alone. The things I loved most that brought me joy I pushed aside for this stupid fuckin pill. I need to find the real me again. Right now I feel like a tarnished, shameful, secretive soul. I guess I had to vent about the importance forgetting who you were. It was a simple sentence, but powerful nonetheless. Thank you, Justin 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted December 31, 2013 Report Share Posted December 31, 2013 Hang in there Oyvey, it seems that you've been smacked up side the head with the 2X4 of reality this week. You have control now of whether or not you are a heartless bastard not some poison pill! We're here for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted December 31, 2013 Report Share Posted December 31, 2013 Yeah, a rude awakening...but nevertheless an awakening so ill take that. I need to top letting fear be my guide and make some changes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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