Getting the old me back... nope, that's never happening... adderall changed me forever

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I'm sure there's been a lot of discussion on this.  I know there has.  A lot of people come on here (newbies and oldies alike) and talk about when recovery is "over".  Questions like, "when do I get the old me back"?  and "will I ever feel normal again"?.  

 

Honestly, and tell me what you guys think, but life after adderall is never, ever the same.  I will never get the old "me" back, because the old me got me to a dark place I've always feared.  The old me wasn't so great after all... she was unconfident; that is why she turned to drugs.  

 

The person I am today is... wiser, older, sometimes sadder, definitely more complex, less gullible, more cynical, but with a capacity for empathy that I don't think I've ever experienced before.  I might be more introverted forever, but that's not only because of the adderall and social anxiety and OCD it bestowed upon me, but because I take longer to reflect on the complexities of people now, because of the shit I've been through.  The world is rough on those who are gripped by the vice of addiction.  And we only have ourselves to blame, really.  

 

So, as I start to go through the process of unraveling the last 4 or 5 years of my life, I'm finding it hard to untangle and decouple the actions I took as a result of the drug, or because of who I became.  I find myself retracing my steps and so easily blaming so many of my bad decisions (like taking a job too soon, taking the wrong job/s, not listening to anyone else's advice) and bad habits (like workaholism and perfectionism) on adderall.  

 

In actual fact, as I look back on the time I first started to take adderall, I was facing two pretty overwhelming challenges:   I found out some stuff about my family that honestly, now I reflect on it, threw me in to a state of mild trauma; plus being at some very significant life-crossroads (getting married, having children, buying a house), and I didn't know how to handle those decisions or that traumatic stuff... so I turned to a) work; and drugs... as a major escape hatch.  

 

Then everything started to unravel.  And you all know how that goes... you're high on adderall, you do something you regret, then you take more adderall to numb that experience, and do more stuff you regret, and you become disengaged with the whole world around you... throwing yourself at arbitrary activities and relationships and distractions with no explanation and making each day your own journey of euphoria, irritability, introspection, self confidence, self loathing, and round and round it goes.  

 

I am grieving the loss of 5 years of my life.  I guess that's part of the process of recovery.  Picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and starting to run again at the same pace you always have is a difficult thing to do the harder you run and the harder you fall.  My metaphorical body is bruised and sore; and I know I need to rest... but it is just so damned hard not to get melancholy when I think about all I have lost.  

 

I know I will never take adderall again, that's not the issue (I'm hardly ever tempted, just when I'm extremely stressed or worried which is as weird a trigger as any!?).  The issue is that I think the actions I took while on it, and recovering from it, have led me to a place I just don't know where to go to from here.  It's like someone who's had an accident and they're learning to walk again.  I don't know where to start and it seems so, so hard.  And it's not like I'm 21.  I have a lot of catching up to do.  

 

I'm just so... sad... today.  Most of the time I am ok, and I know I am going to be ok in the long run, but wow... just so much loss in my life these last few years.  Adderall is the perfect enabler to the magnificent catastrophe we can make of our own lives.   

[Cassie]

I think it's natural to dwell on yourself and your flaws more when you're unemployed - I say that because I'm going through a job search right now, and the longer I'm unemployed the more anxious, fearful and unconfident I get. So, I think it's a normal reaction to life circumstances, and you would feel similarly if you were in the same position but had never taken Adderall because like you said, you had problems before the drug, too. It's just a case of having to feel your emotions rather than numbing them.

 

Don't blame yourself for the decisions you've made. Especially the whole working too soon thing. Uh, you needed a job at the time, didn't you?! We all make decisions we regret, with or without drugs influencing us. In fact, most of the life decisions I regret happened either before or after Adderall. On Adderall I was kind of just stuck in life, stagnating. Now I have to move forward on my own volition and that's scary.

 

I think it gives us character to go through this, and empathy as you said, so there are some positives to this whole clusterfuck. I feel lost too, and like I don't know where to go from here. I think just moving forward and doing anything is key. Better to refine your life as you move along rather than standing still, paralyzed, which is what I've been doing the past two months. I might start going to some more group meetings, just to be more social.

 

A few months ago when I was contemplating quitting my job, I told a therapist that I was scared to work at a new job without Adderall because I felt like I never knew what I was doing when it came to my work life. He started laughing and said, "Cassie, none of us know what the fuck we're doing!" That made me feel better, like, oh yeah, everyone is just as fucked up as everyone else!
 

Anyway, not sure if this makes any sense, but I think many of us share your feelings. And just so you know, I feel a shitload better now than I did at 9 months sober. I'd say I feel pretty much back to normal, just a few minor kinks to work out at this stage. BTW your picture is funny. What are you eating?

[Zerokewl]

Nice post.  I think its important to grieve your past. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my life adderall. I remember vividly the first day I took it. Through my meditation I've come to realize adderall was just a symptom of my life spinning out of control.  I lost my job due to adderall use but I used adderall due to my job.  Life has clearly given us a time out. We just need to love the place we are in.   

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Zk, you summed up in about 75 words what it took me about 400 to say.  

And here we three are, with the perils of time on our hands (oh, the irony... what we would have given for time off to do nothing a few short months ago, huh?!), and nothing but apparent anxiety to guide us through.

 

ZK, I have just started meditating too.  As in, last week.  I think it is going to be very helpful.  Bout time something was!  

 

BTW:  The Commonwealth rules this post (2 canadians and an Australian!) and I'm eating fries and a burger in the pic.  It was one of the first pictures taken of me when I came off adderall... I was so excited to be eating food again, and enjoying the taste!  

[ashley6]

I love your picture! And a great story behind it.

[Zerokewl]

MFA- Try listening to some of the chants its weird but it works. I have a few Buddhist chants apps installed on my iphone.  I think its good for the mind grapes. Try it  and let me know what you think. 

 

Cassie- "none of us know what the fuck we're doing!" yup so true. 

 

BTW God Save the Queen! 

[JustinW]

Yep, none of us know what we're doing.

 

Part of life is growth, therefore we were never going to stay the same person over time.  Being on Adderall has given us all the unique perspective, a blessing in disguise as it were, of seeing ourselves at our worst and being able to contrast that with who we are at our best.  Going forward we have been given the opportunity to take those things that we now know are truly important and build ourselves into that person.  It isn't an easy process and it won't be perfect but I am excited about having a chance to choose who I want to be and I am excited to see what that person looks like in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, etc.  You didn't really lose 5 years; you had a 5 year education in finding out who you don't want to be.

 

You are obviously having a down day and I'm sure it is aggravated by your job search.  I hope that you have the chance to take a step back, take a deep breath, relax, and find your motiviation to continue fighting.

[Cassie]

 You didn't really lose 5 years; you had a 5 year education in finding out who you don't want to be.

 

I was going to say something like this too. You can't lose years of your life, because even though you were on Adderall, you still grew and changed simply due to the passage of time.

[JustinW]

great minds think alike

[Krax]

MFA- Try listening to some of the chants its weird but it works. I have a few Buddhist chants apps installed on my iphone.  I think its good for the mind grapes. Try it  and let me know what you think. 

 

Cassie- "none of us know what the fuck we're doing!" yup so true. 

 

BTW God Save the Queen! 

what are the names of the apps you are referring to?

[hyper_critical]

MFA,

 

WORD UP. I've definitely undergone/am in the mist of a grieving process. Coming up on six months and feeling a bit lost. I've got some of my energy back, have processed a lot what's happened the last ~6 years, but am unsure about what to do going forward. 

 

It's like the summer after high school, minus that feeling of excitement and endless possibility. I am grateful to be where I am, though.

 

Best,

 

HC

[Zerokewl]

How's it going MIA... I mean MFA