tracynichole

tomorrow will be day 7

9 posts in this topic

So I have been on Adderall for 3ish years. I have two kids 8 & 4. I didn't want to become pregnant and I didn't want to quit Adderall, but here I am pregnant with baby #3 and quitting.

 

I am 22 weeks pregnant. At first when I found out I googled about Adderall while pregnant and found loads of message boards of people who stay on it their entire pregnancy with no ill affects. Still I weaned from 30mg to 22.5mg (3/4th of a pill) and I didn't notice any difference so after a week I went down to 15mg. That was very difficult my entire body ached for a few weeks but I stayed at 15mg and endured. A month later I decided to go to 7.5mg and that didn't seem so bad either, I got through my morning and after 2pm I couldn't get off the couch so we were eating a lot of takeout and fast food. I did that for a month and I don't remember what happened but I went back up to 15mg. I think it was a lot feeling bad about doing too much of nothing and being too lazy to break the pills into forths ahead of time.

 

I still hadn't gained much weight and I've been worried about that as well.

 

So tomorrow will be day 7 and today has been really hard. My 4 year old escaped for the third time this week and went into the neighbors house. So embarrassing. I had to chase him all the way to the end of our 2 acres of property I thought I was gonna pass out. I am exhausted. My husband has been working long hours at his regular job and then going straight to a side job every night so I don't have any help. I am feeling very depressed about all of this and that I need Adderall to be a good mom to my kids. They have been watching tons of tv and the house is in shambles.

 

So there it is! I don't feel like I am going to start taking it again. I had my husband hide my pills from me, but even if I knew where the were I doubt I would take them.

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Welcome to the forum, and the first thing I want to say is congratulations.  Even though it doesn't feel like it (maybe) to you, you are capable of something I probably never will be.  You got pregnant!  Oh, what I would give to be able to conceive.  

 

But I digress...

 

The second thing is what I was looking for in your whole post, which is that your husband knows about your adderall usage.  That is ENORMOUS -- imagine having to do all this without your kids or your husband understanding how or why you are feeling this way.  Does he take adderall too?  Or just you.  

 

Were you planning on being on adderall for the rest of your life?  Sounds like your pregnancy made you stop, but will you start again once the baby comes/breastfeeding stops?  It also sounds like you're not having any cravings right now, but you are exhausted, which is to be expected because you're no longer feeding your body and mind with chemical stimulants; and you have a human growing inside you.  

 

Take time if you can just to not think about the past or think about the future - just think about you, right now, and be gentle with yourself.  You sound very hard on yourself and a little self soothing might make you feel a bit better.  No, I'm not talking about spending a day at the spa or anything like that, but just stopping to breathe, and tell yourself you are doing the right thing.  And everything is going to be ok.  You can't predict the future, you can't change the past, but you can, if you think about it, take a minute just to accept YOU and give yourself a little high five for doing one of the hardest things that a person can do (ie quitting adderall), ON TOP of the challenges of pregnancy.  

 

Wow.   What a woman.  You have my respect, not that that means anything.... I hope you have your own.

 

Hugs...  shedding a little tear for you, hoping you give yourself the internal nurturing you need.  

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Welcome to the forum!  Don't beat yourself up too much about your 4 year old escaping; they are full of mischief at that age (my 5 year old son is a lot of fun).  You are pregnant and coming off adderall so you are going to be uber worn out.  Keep up the good work on your quit.

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I lied, today is day 8!! Thank you for all of your kind responses and support. Today is the first day my muscles went from just being sore to screaming in pain which I have been anticipating but it is still no fun.

 

My husband does know about my use and no he doesn't take it himself. I have tried to give him some in the past in an attempt to get some household projects done but he has always resisted. He does drink beer almost daily and smoke cigarettes and also smokes marijuana sometimes as well but mostly he is just addicted to working, which isn't a bad thing imo. He is as supportive as he can be I guess, he doesn't fully understand I don't think. On day 3 or 4 I had a freak out on him because he was supposed to bring home milk for the kids to have with dinner and he didn't show up and he was yelling at me like "why can't you get up and go get it, is that so hard?" and I yelled back "Tell me where my pills are because you are not supportive and this is why I still have to stay on them because I have no help!" He has been good ever since I just think sometimes he just thinks I am being dramatic. His brother in law is/was an alcoholic and has been clean for a year now so he knows a little bit about addiction from that. He doesn't get angry at me or complain at all when he comes home and nothing is cleaned and there is no dinner or fast food or pizza for dinner and when I do clean or make dinner he always tells me like, "the house looks great, dinner smells amazing" things like that so he really does try to be supportive I know.

 

I stay at home and work as a nurse every other weekend in a nursing home. Being at home is hard because it is easy to just do nothing a lot of days and to feel depressed like I am not moving forward like everyone else. I do have a best friend who I have told about quitting and I message with her daily and she is very encouraging to me everyday. I don't plan on being on Adderall for the rest of my life and I doubt I will start back up after baby. I plan to breastfeed for at least a year and I never ever want to go through this withdrawal ever again.

 

I did make dinner last night and tonight as well so I feel very accomplished!!! (& did dishes and cleaned the bathroom and washed and dried some clothes although they are just thrown on the bed waiting for me to fold them someday) My 4 year old is still in his pajamas though, so not everything gets done, but I don't feel discouraged!

 

This has been long and probably all over the place but I just wanted to say that I am so thankful for this amazing website, without it I don't know if I would have the courage to quit and the supportive community is an awesome resource! I have been reading a lot of posts, I'm just not a good commenter on account of my introvertedness, lol.

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Hey there, 

 

First off, don't worry about anyone else on this site except you!  And WOULD YOU STOP APOLOGIZING!!??  Sounds like you're sorry you're not a perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect ex-adderall-addict, perfect nurse, perfect dishwasher-cleaner, etc etc.  Hey guess what?  Perfectionism is a great mask for not accepting the amazing person you really are, underneath all those expectations you and everyone else around you places on you.  

 

Can I ask why you started taking adderall in the first place?  Sometimes that helps understand the root cause of what needs to be addressed:  for example, I started taking it really for 3 reasons:  1) because I was doing 2 jobs, badly, and couldn't cope with the stress; 2) I thought the key to my success was all focused on getting to a certain number on the scale; and 3) I was trying to avoid a stressful and emotionally painful personal situation (which was probably the real trigger, tbh).   Had I been able to know/articulate any of that at the time, I would probably not have ended up in a cycle of addiction and abuse.  Anyway, that's my insight for you - try to figure out what made you start taking it, and if that stimulus is still there... because if you haven't dealt with it, then the temptation will always exist... does that make any sense?

 

And yes, your husband is doing pretty well, all things considered.  Marriage is complex and no one is in any position to judge anyone else's, especially where addiction is concerned.  If you feel he is supportive (without making you feel like the guilty party), then that's great.  My marriage has suffered a lot from the fallout of my addiction - and my husband has been heroic in his support, and is a workaholic like it sounds like yours is.  Strangely enough, now that I've rounded the corner and am "stable" (or whatever) and gaining confidence and health and strength and consistency back, I'm starting to hear about just how deep the scars are on his side.  Ugh, addiction.  Hurts everyone involved.

 

But enough about my whole story -- just know that we're cheering for you from the sidelines, it's ok to feel whatever you need to feel whenever you need to feel it, and whenever you feel those horrible waves of depression wash over you; just know that they will pass.  I promise.  

 

You rock, lady!

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Motivation follows action, you deserve a grand kudos, everyone one your posts come alive and I am able to take away from it. I hope you have your own respect as well because you are super awesome.:-) Also, I love your moniker! Yay

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