adderall is killing me

[Lee]

After three years of being on and off adderall, I admit that I have a problem. I'm addicted. I have a prescription that gets re-filled every sixty days. I don't know where to go from here. I'm at the point now where a sixty day supply only lasts me ten. I've had four different experiences with chemically induced psychosis and my depression is just as intense as my mania. I need help and I'm to much of a coward to allow anybody to know the truths about my life. I habitually lie to myself and others about my issues and I don't trust myself take care of myself, not mentally nor physically, so as to see that I reach the age of thirty. I'm an Iraqi veteran. I've seen things that will never leave me and I carry a tremendous amount of guilt and shame over those things. They feed my addiction while they hide behind my false reality. I need advice.

[Greg]

Hi Lee,

Hang in there. You can do this. It may be horrible and exhausting at first, but it gets a whole lot better to the point where you are no longer craving the pills anymore. (Just imagine how awesome that is) Also, once you quit, you'll NEVER experience paranoid psychosis again and you'll NEVER have to worry about running out of pills again. You won't be hyper manic anymore and the depression will eventually lift. You'll get to a point where you're emotionally stable all the time, where you're not cycling between a depressed state and a manic state.

You got to let your body adjust to being off the adderall and begin to produce dopamine the natural way. This comes with time. And you have to readjust your thinking patterns and learn to motivate yourself and feel confident without relying on something else to provide that for you. I face that challenge every day, but each day I get stronger. My confidence is now coming from within and not from a pill. Just allow yourself to quit and take it easy so you can kick this thing once and for all. It's really worth the effort, and before long, many months will have passed. If you don't stop adderall now, the dependency on those pills is only going to get worse from this point onward. More psychosis, more instability and more dependence on that pill, even despite the detrimental psychosis it brings on.

Think of your quitting as an exciting opportunity to just totally reinvent yourself as a more successful person than you ever were before. And know that other people have done it and you can too.

[Joanne]

Hang in there Lee! I hope you will check in here again ... I also hope you can get in touch with fellow veterans who are going thru the same kind of hell you have been. You need and deserve all the support you can get. There is a national veterans counseling hotline here in Chicago run by Vietnam Vets Against the War (VVAW) with strong support of Iraq Vets Against War (IVAW). Their number is (773) 561-VVAW. I know the folks involved; they are kind, resourceful and have contacts all over the US. They also do not care what your political outlook on the war is/was (although it sounds like you have some serious doubts about the cause for which you were shipped off to fight).

Here's a link: http://www.vvaw.org/mc/about.php

I don't know how much they know about Adderall ... but they are VERY familiar with veterans in distress turning to the VA and getting too many drugs and not enough real help. Maybe in the company of people who have truly "been there" it will be easier to open up about what's going on in your life. Good luck!