10 Months Free - and where is everyone?

[Sebastian05]

Hey Guys:

 

I'm now 10 months off. It hasn't been easy, but everyday I just keep pushing. As many of u know, I started a new job, and that's been going okay so far.

 

I still have tremendous trouble with motivation and focus and that is very upsetting. I have no idea when it is going to come back, but it has to otherwise im screwed.

 

I miss being excited about life. I'm kinda just neutral now. This has to come back as well. Whats the point of life if you can't be happy and excited?

 

I see lots of new people posting on this forum, but its really upsetting to me that more people who have been off of adderall for a long long time don't post more. 

 

So, if you're reading this and you've been off adderall for a while and have returned to normal and you're not even a member of this forum, please join and tell us your story because I feel like we all need as much motivation as possible....Motivation and hope to keep pushing forward and not go back on the meds.

 

I'm also very shocked and disappointed that Mike, the creator of this site is very absent from posting or commenting on this forum. I feel like he has to have a ton of time under his belt, yet he never ever posts anything of encouragement or gives feedback.

 

Anyways, just wanted to chime in to let everyone know that i've hit 10 months.

 

My ability to sleep has improved but still not perfect. For example, last night i fell asleep at 11....slept like a rock until 5:45.....and then tossed and turned till about 7:30....then had to get going for work. That was a relatively good patch of sleep. Its definitely better than last year this time when i would fall asleep at 11 and wake up at 2 and be riddled with such severe anxiety that i couldnt even fall back asleep.

 

I'm still a bit depressed and deal with on and off anxiety, but i'm def better than i was a year ago.

 

I just hope and pray all the time that there's a bright light at the end of this tunnel. I keep wondering if i should get onto Wellbutrin or another anti-depressant, but im just trying to stay off all meds.

 

Adderall was wonderful for me. I just knew I had to quit taking it after reading about what it really is and how it absolutely can't be good for you in the long term.

 

MotivationFollowsAction, QuitOnce, InRecovery, Cassie...how are you guys all doing?

 

Again, for God's sake if anyone out there is reading through this forum and has a lot of time under your belt with having quit, please join and tell us your story and how you're doing.

 

S

[zhenka11230]

It's been 6 month for me.  I still have intermittent PAWS.  I thought it was over last good patch, but it always comes back and burns my soul in black flames.

 

I finally admitted to myself, that I just really dislike this society and drugs just numb my dissatisfaction with status quo.  But I know now, and decided to be more politically active.  I joined food-not-bombs and other solidarity egalitarian groups.

[BeHereNow]

Sebastian!!!!  Great to see you're still out there and clean!  Happy 10 months!!!! 

 

You said you're better than you were a year ago.  That is huge!!!  You definitely do sound like you're getting better!

 

When is your adderall-free birthday exactly?!?!

 

(I think mine was yesterday.)

 

We deserve to celebrate.  10 months clean is a LONG time     

[Sebastian05]

Occasional, 

 

thanks for chiming in. honestly, i miss seeing you guys post on here all the time. I havent seen anything from you or ashley or quitonce, or MFA, or InRecovery in a while. 

 

I know i dont participate much in dialogue lately but I just don't feel like i have the world to offer right now. I'm trying desperately hard to believe everything is going to be okay and that im not like permanently screwed after having opened the door to adderall and seeing how energized and productive and happy and positive i was when i was on it.

 

I keep telling myself to keep pushing forward. 

 

How have you been doing and feeling? How's your motivation and productivity? Any depression or anxiety?

 

Let me know how things are going. 

 

Are you taking any sort of meds right now? anti-depressants or anything? if so which ones? i REALLY don't wanna go down that crap shoot of a rabbit hole. 

 

Thanks so much for responding so fast.

 

Oh, by the way,  Dec 31 will be 1  year for me.

 

Please let me know how ur doing and how ur feeling. How far along are you now? A year?

 

S

[JustinW]

It's been 6 month for me.  I still have intermittent PAWS.  I thought it was over last good patch, but it always comes back and burns my soul in black flames.

I am a couple of days short of 9 mos. and I would say that there is definitely an ebb and flow to PAWS but it seems like the down times are getting shorter and further between.

 

@Seb - you don't need to offer the world.  I feel the same way most days but I hang around just to encourage others even though I generally have nothing all that insightful to say.  Things will get better, you are just relearning how to walk without a crutch.  Rehabilitation is a very personal thing and you will progress at your own pace.  Try to focus on the positive steps you have taken and learn to appreciate the beautiful person that you are today.  A positive mindset can get you through a lot of the rough times, as I've said before, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.  You are not permanently screwed.

[Cat]

Hey Sebastian. I am almost at 10 months too, as of Nov 5. 

 

In general, I'd say my mood is just more balanced. With adderall it was all high highs and low lows, every day like clockwork: I'd take the pill in the morning and feel a surge of energy/excitement about the day ahead. Then as it started to wear off I'd feel worse, then crash and feel more depressed than ever. Can't say I miss the daily ups and downs.

 

Now my excitement is more tied to specific things that I like and look forward to, such as weekend trips and cooking dinner. Running during the day helps with my mood. I basically am never excited about work anymore, and I miss that.

 

I too have thought about trying Wellbutrin, but haven't for two reasons. First, I want to avoid any and all meds if possible, and second, ever since cutting off my doctor 10 months ago the idea of finding and meeting with a whole new doctor has seemed like such a hassle. So I haven't.

 

Occasional, are you a year now or ten months? Who else is in the ten month club?

[Jon]

Sebastion said:

Anyways, just wanted to chime in to let everyone know that i've hit 10 months.

 

My ability to sleep has improved but still not perfect. For example, last night i fell asleep at 11....slept like a rock until 5:45.....and then tossed and turned till about 7:30....then had to get going for work. That was a relatively good patch of sleep. Its definitely better than last year this time when i would fall asleep at 11 and wake up at 2 and be riddled with such severe anxiety that i couldnt even fall back asleep.

 

I'm still a bit depressed and deal with on and off anxiety, but i'm def better than i was a year ago.

 

 

Sebastion,

 

Something Cassie said a few weeks ago was to think of recovery in terms of years instead of months. She used a weight loss analogy. If you put on 50 pounds, it would be reasonable to expect to drop a pound a week, you could lose it in a year. If you have ever had to lose 50 pounds, you know it takes a tremendous effort...on top of the time. It made sense to me, but I am impatient like you and aren’t we all who took Adderall for it’s instant gratification. That is the killer in recovery. There is no instant gratification. We aren’t used to that and it hurts.

I'm a little over 4 months clean. I used daily for 12 years. I will be 59 years old in December.

 

I think we both have to remember to keep faith in the healing process. We are healing. It just takes a lot of time and effort.

[Cassie]

Sebastion,

 

Something Cassie said a few weeks ago was to think of recovery in terms of years instead of months. She used a weight loss analogy. If you put on 50 pounds, it would be reasonable to expect to drop a pound a week, you could lose it in a year. If you have ever had to lose 50 pounds, you know it takes a tremendous effort...on top of the time. It made sense to me, but I am impatient like you and aren’t we all who took Adderall for it’s instant gratification. That is the killer in recovery. There is no instant gratification. We aren’t used to that and it hurts.

 

 

I'm a little over 4 months clean. I used daily for 12 years. I will be 59 years old in December.

 

I think we both have to remember to keep faith in the healing process. We are healing. It just takes a lot of time and effort.

Once you've been clean for a long time (over a year at least) you WILL start thinking in terms of years, because you won't be counting the months anymore. Time goes so slow in the beginning but after a year it starts to fly.

 

Here's another analogy for you: A baby's brain is 80% fully developed by age 3. But what happens between age 3 and 25 (age when brain is fully developed) seems incredibly huge. That last 20% seems like so much, but really most of the hard developmental connections are made in the first couple years. It's just a perception issue. If you learn calculus you don't think about how that learning is possible because of the groundwork your brain laid when you were an infant.

I think you can look at the first year of recovery as that 80%. That's where most of the hard recovery takes place, like brain repair and relearning how to do things drug free (say, completing Excel spreadsheets or exercising). After a year you'll still recover, just not at as drastic of a rate, but it will actually feel more significant, because it's the big abstract things that you'll recover later, like self confidence, motivation and drive.

[LILTEX41]

Congratulations bud!!  You got it.  Just don't give up! 

[Sebastian05]

LILTEX, u know i wont.

 

Thanks Jon & Cassie.

 

<3 

[Jon]

^{Cassie said:}

^{Once you've been clean for a long time (over a year at least) you WILL start thinking in terms of years, because you won't be counting the months anymore. Time goes so slow in the beginning but after a year it starts to fly.}

 

^{Here's another analogy for you: A baby's brain is 80% fully developed by age 3. But what happens between age 3 and 25 (age when brain is fully developed) seems incredibly huge. That last 20% seems like so much, but really most of the hard developmental connections are made in the first couple years. It's just a perception issue. If you learn calculus you don't think about how that learning is possible because of the groundwork your brain laid when you were an infant.}

I think you can look at the first year of recovery as that 80%. That's where most of the hard recovery takes place, like brain repair and relearning how to do things drug free (say, completing Excel spreadsheets or exercising). After a year you'll still recover, just not at as drastic of a rate, but it will actually feel more significant, because it's the big abstract things that you'll recover later, like self confidence, motivation and drive.

 

 

^{Cassie, you never cease to amaze me. Your analogies give me perspective and more importantly they offer hope....and I need it so badly right about now. Thank you.}

 

^{I have been working 12 hour shifts for two weeks due to a sudden death of a co-workers wife. They were only married last year. I would work for him until I dropped dead and I feel very close to that point now.}

[Gigem2012]

Sebastian,

I am 10 months clean today and very glad I found your post. I was prescribed and took Adderall for 2.5 years. I never OD'd, just took the recommended dose which I think it quite high (30-45mg). I would never take it more than 3-4x a week.

To make a long story short, I feel good for the most part minus the disorientation I have been dealing with. I constantly feel mild disorientation daily. No matter what I do, the disorientation grabs my attention. It is hard to explain. I feel as if everything around me is moving if that makes sense.

I hope and pray every day that I have not done any permanent brain damage. Neuros have told me that my dose wasn't high enough to cause harm but the disorientation has me worried. I would love to hear more responses of users who have been off for more than 6 months. Looking forward to hearing from everyone.

[BeHereNow]

Occasional, 

 

thanks for chiming in. honestly, i miss seeing you guys post on here all the time. I havent seen anything from you or ashley or quitonce, or MFA, or InRecovery in a while. 

 

I know i dont participate much in dialogue lately but I just don't feel like i have the world to offer right now. I'm trying desperately hard to believe everything is going to be okay and that im not like permanently screwed after having opened the door to adderall and seeing how energized and productive and happy and positive i was when i was on it.

 

I keep telling myself to keep pushing forward. 

 

How have you been doing and feeling? How's your motivation and productivity? Any depression or anxiety?

 

Let me know how things are going. 

 

Are you taking any sort of meds right now? anti-depressants or anything? if so which ones? i REALLY don't wanna go down that crap shoot of a rabbit hole. 

 

Thanks so much for responding so fast.

 

Oh, by the way,  Dec 31 will be 1  year for me.

 

Please let me know how ur doing and how ur feeling. How far along are you now? A year?

 

S

 

Hi Sebastian!

 

My quitting date was December 30 2012.  So I'm in the 10 month club too!   

 

Overall, I feel a hundred thousand times better than I did a year ago.   I have my ups and downs and PAWS times and such and those are rough.  I have crazy anxiety every day and I take Klonopin to help get through it.  But it also takes a lot of mental discipline and working through things on my own, because meds only do so much.  I also get depressed off and on.  I was really seriously depressed over the summer and on top of recovery was dealing with major life shit.   So, eventually, it was enough of that and I needed some stability, and I started on Wellbutrin.  I've always been scared of AD's but it helps so much.  Actually I wish I had gotten my script much sooner.    It IS a rabbit hole, and that scares me, but it's a worthy risk for me. 

 

I see it as a mental retraining process. Part of the retraining is qualitative, but part of it is chemical.  The meds help get the chemical part under better control but they don't fix everything, so the rest is up to me. 

 

I'm getting much better with motivation and productivity for sure.   I freak out on almost a daily basis about how I'm going to survive without adderall.   And then somehow I get through the day. You're right, it's all about pushing forward.   I'm definitely not nearly as productive as I need to be.  But I believe that with time and inspiration, I will be.   Quitting has helped me get really good at a) prioritizing, asking for help, c) lowering my standards and being OK with imperfections, and d) b.s.ing where needed!

 

I was recently told, about a month ago, that I seem to have gotten a lot better, to have grown a lot, in the past year.  By someone who doesn't know about my quitting or anything.  By someone who is only just now getting to know the REAL me, not the tweaker fake version of me.

 

So much gratitude for a second chance at this.

[BeHereNow]

I know i dont participate much in dialogue lately but I just don't feel like i have the world to offer right now.

 

Sebastian I have a lot of respect for you and always have, and I wonder if you aren't giving yourself credit where credit is due.  I think you have more to offer than you realize.   

 

For me, posting on here and trying to help other people with quitting also directly helps me with quitting. I don't really feel like I have that much to offer either, I just see people asking questions and try to throw some helpful ideas and encouragement out there for whatever they're worth.  It's very theraputic, like Mike says somewhere on this site.

[quit-once]

Hey Sebastian, congrats for ten months.  I encourage you to go back and read some of your earlier posts after you first quit.  Your anxiety was so overwhelming that Falcon and I had to tell you to calm the fuck down (sorry if it seemed harsh).  You have come a long way since then.....new job, greater stability, less depression, less anxiety.  And you do contribute to people who have things in common with your story.  It isn't about how much or how often you post, but the ability of a post to get through to the person(s) needing the advice and support.  You seem to connect well to the folks in the legal profession and also to those who, like you, did not abuse the drug but grew to hate the addiction anyway