Curse you euphoria!

[Mommylonglegs83]

Hello to all.

I stumbled upon this site in the wee hours of the morning, unable to sleep. No, not because of the adderall, but because of the ANXIETY from worrying about NOT having anymore left. How early can I fill it? If they say no, where else can I go? (Aka, a slave/addict ) not that it would be that big of a deal if I wasn't dealing so much. I have typed, and erased, typed and erased....so ya know what, I have to just...get it all out there and hope for best. So, here is my story.

I read so soooooo at many of the comments/suggestions about how to quit adderall, and alternatives etc. well, just as there IS NO "one size fits all" , and everyone indeed has different brain chemistries, as well as different situations. I'm pretty sure the new definitions of "Murphy's law" and "catch 22" need to have my freaking face on them as an example. (LoL)

Hmm...well, anyway, I have to think about this....the first time I took adderall........I think it was when I was a auto part driver, and this kid I worked with shared it with me......and well, you know how it goes after that. Before that day, I had never done adderall. However, I was a daily LSD user from age 16, to maybe age 18? Then on and off a year or 2 after that. From age 19 until age 22, I used MDMA recreationally...more than 20 times I guess. I have a TBI from 1992 from a bicycle accident ( not wearing a helmet!) I DO have ADHD, no doubt. Run on both sides of my family as well.

I'm 30 years old now, I got my first script when I was 25. After the birth of my first son. My first experience in life with responsibility. I think I started because I knew I could not ( and I haven't! mess this up, and slack off, fail like I did with school, jobs and everything else in life pretty much. About a year later, my son was diagnosed with autism, and that's when my addiction really took control. I was married to a marine, living on base housing, being a wife and a mom all by myself. 15 hours away from family or friends. My anxiety ate my consciousness up and I convinced myself adderall was the key!

So, I carried on a a power house mommy, and gave birth to my second son, oh I now 3. My husband at the time developed thyroid cancer, that's when...sh!t got real. I never slept. Never.

To wrap this novel up, I lost myself. The functioning adderall user, became the dreadful zombie with OCD, anxiety, angry, monster. My skin is crap, my health is crap, I divorced, moved back home with my mom....and that was in 2011....still here.....no car. No job. Living with my mommy. I'm not creative anymore, I'm not fun or happy. Don't think about love. Hate being touched. Ugh. People are not supportive AT ALL. I don't understand how this world is SOOOOOOO worried about abusing drugs bla bla and they literally ruin lives for no reason. I quit adderall when I found out I was pregnant with my second son. Started right back up. I recently went 2 weeks without because I lost my script during the move, I don't know how I didn't kill myself to be honest. The withdrawl, was the worst thing I have experienced. Worst! Parkinson's? I was sure that's what I had without it, narcoleptic as well! Why is that bad? Well for a single mom, with an autistic toddler and another toddler...yeah...that's just not happening. My mom thankfully gave a crap about my kids safety and took us all into her home.

The doctors don't really care if your abusing it, it's just pathetic. If they cared instead of treating us like criminals and putting us in the freqking cone of shame, they would actually HELP. I'm sorry but, when I'm sleeping cus you forget to write my script, or fail to aid me when I say, I want to get off it, do they think about the fact that I do have kids? I can't just sleep it off a$$hole. Unless you want to come babysit so that can happen. Give me a third arm, something! Other than down grading me, ignoring me. I have an enormously caring/ giving personality. I used to be funny. Humor is what has kept me alive for so long. But not having a single friend, social life, anyone to call just to talk to or share stuff with, is making this slow decent into adderall madness, that much worse. Ive been thru everything a female can go thru in life. Abuse, relationships, 2 divorces, children, rape, you name it. Just not with the loss of someone close....and when that time comes ( sadly, that's life I don't think I will be able to handle it. My kids need me, but if I Odontoceti take care of ME, I won't be here much longer.

Booo to drugs and lack of support! Everyone should be hippies and hug! Everyday! Minus the no showering part lol.

Anyway, that's my story....

Thanks for reading,

Comments or criticism welcome.

[JustinW]

Booo to drugs and lack of support! Everyone should be hippies and hug! Everyday! Minus the no showering part lol.

Well, I guess it is "no shave November" so hippies are "in" this month.  Welcom to the forum.  You have had a ton of pain in your life and it sounds like you have used drugs to cover it up.  As far as quitting goes, life never hands us softballs and you will have adderall whispering lies in your ears the whole time during withdrawls and PAWS.  The added burden of children and stress of living with your mom also contributes to the difficulty of your situation.  The upside is that you will be an improved version of your normal, beautiful, original self once you make it through the rough patches and your kids will benefit from that greatly (I know I put mine through some bad times).  Thank you for being honest about your situation.  If you decide to quit, we are here to help!

[Mommylonglegs83]

Lol. Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Zerokewl]

Welcome! We are here for you. If you decide to quit, prepare a game plan. Its difficult but not impossible and very worth while!

[zhenka11230]

What worked for me is taking a sorta leap of faith that all will work out in the end without adderall.

[Cat]

What worked for me is taking a sorta leap of faith that all will work out in the end without adderall.

 

This. Exactly.