Boyfriend with addiction

[km517]

My boyfriend is addicted to Adderall, and it's ruining everything.  

 

The problem started, I believe, a few years ago when he lost his job.  He was unemployed for a long time, and that's when he started abusing the drug.  The trend has been:

 

1. Taking all of his medication for the month in two weeks. During this time, he stays up all night, has to take extra to get through work the next day, generally loses interest in usual relationships or activities because he's only interested in staying up to play video games or chatting with people online.

 

2. Running out of medication in about 2 weeks.  Sleeping constantly, voracious appetite, can't concentrate at work, can't keep prior commitments because he's sleeping.

 

3. After adjusting to not having the pills, he comes to me to ask me to help. He apologizes for the two weeks when he didn't care about anything, he tells me he has a problem and can't manage his medication on his own, and he asks me for help.  The solution he always comes up with is that I'll dole out his daily pills so he won't be tempted to take more than his prescribed dose each day. 

 

4.  Once he can fill his new prescription, he almost immediately starts begging for extra pills because he's not used to taking his normal dose.  If I don't give him extra pills, he does whatever he can to find them in my apartment or, if he can't find them, to be mean to me so I'll want to just give him the pills and make him go away.

 

He got his newest prescription filled last week, and right away started the mean act to get me to give him extra.  I wouldn't, and he would eventually apologize and admit that he's having a hard time dealing with the craving for more medication.  Last night, he broke up with me.  The evening went from us snuggling in bed while watching Netflix to him telling me that he hates our relationship and is unhappy being with me and doesn't care about me anymore in the span of about 20 minutes.   He said all those other times he was mean to me to get his pills were not acting -- he actually meant the horrible things he said.  I asked him if there was some other anxiety, about his medication or other stresses at work, causing him to feel this way, and he refused to say anything more and just demanded his pills.  He came over to my apartment this afternoon and wouldn't leave until I gave him the rest.

 

So now, I'm just playing a waiting game.  The prescription he has now is not as strong as what he had before (amphetamine salts now vs. dextroamphetamine before), so it should only be about a week and a half or less before they're all gone.  I know he's going to frantically get in touch and cry and apologize and ask for my help and say he's miserable.

 

He had also stopped taking his antidepressant because he needed a refill and just neglected to get it -- the rage when he stopped was terrifying, but he insisted his anger was proportionate to things happening to him (an old lady getting in his way, someone driving in a way that annoyed him, a person taking our parking spot, someone in a restaurant asking to look at a menu while we were waiting to be seated).

 

I am at a loss.  He only recently moved to be near me and only knows his coworkers.  His family is 800 miles away, and they've tried to talk to him about this before to no avail.

 

Does anyone have experience from my perspective? Do you have any advice?  Really anything would be appreciated because I just don't know what to do.

 

Thanks,

M 

 

[Jon]

My first thought is for you to run away from him as fast as you can. I read your post again, and that's my second thought too. You can't change him. He clearly does not want to change for his own good. You are acting as his co-dependent partner. Do you really want to play that role for someone?

[lunax]

Adderall is a monster. I'm sad for you because I'm sure that beneath all of this there is a really nice guy there which you fell in love with.

I have to agree with Jon. You are taking all of this mental/emotional abuse while he clearly has no intention of getting clean. It just doesn't seem fair to you.

If I were you (and this is only an opinion) I'd give him back his pills and tell him that unless he commits to getting professional help...it will be YOU breaking up with him and not the other way around.

Hang in there!

[JustinW]

Girlfriend / boyfriend abuse isn't always physical; sometimes it is emotional abuse.  Please consider if this is the case in your situation.

 

Take control of your life and become master of your destiny.  You deserve the best.

[km517]

I know you're both right, and it all hurts so much. I left the rest of his pills for him at his house, and we are not together anymore. I'm sure partners of addicts say this kind of thing all the time: I miss the version of him I know is in there underneath the addiction, and I am heartbroken that there's nothing I can do to help.

I guess he was right about the compatible thing -- his addiction and our relationship aren't compatible, and we just can't be together if he doesn't want to get this under control.

Even though I know this intellectually, I still feel heartbroken.

[Zerokewl]

Wow this is pretty much why I got dumped by my ex.  I was a pretty self centered bastard on Adderall. Angry about stupid shit and well focused on weird shit. I was always ditching my ex to "work" untill she eventually just grew tired of being alone all the time.  I wasn't mean to her, I just ignored her.  

 

  I sent her letter in August explaining explaining my fucked up behavior.  Of all my Adderall  regrets this one stings the most. I hope she can forgive me one day and I hope I can forgive myself in time.   

 

  From  my point of view getting dumped was a wake up call.  Adderall fucks with your brain chemistry, on behalf of all adderall addicts we are sorry for being mean. 

[lunax]

I can't help but feel a lot of guilt reading the posts in this forum. I'm getting married in a few months and when I look back at what a drug addicted nasty asshole I was on adderal, I can't help but think that I am lucky for not losing my significant other to my addiction.

Thank you for sharing your very personal and unfortunately painful stories because it motivates me to never touch another pill again.

Hang in there Milty.

[km517]

Thanks for the responses, zerokewl and lunax.

Breakups suck anyway. But with a regular breakup I would have lots of people - just about anyone! - to commiserate with. In this situation, it's hard to explain and harder for people to understand, and I have just avoided talking about it with real-life friends. I really appreciate your comments and support.