Shambo Posted November 8, 2013 Report Share Posted November 8, 2013 This cycle I'm in is freaking insane. I'm back to reading through the archives here & trying to pump myself up for the next 17 days that I'll be out of meds. I ran out extra early this month. Yesterday I took over 200mg & was asleep by 11:30pm- without taking anything to go to sleep. I quit for 2 months, earlier this year but believing I could control my dose, I started back. After the first 2 weeks of coming off the meds, it was wonderful. I'm at a loss for why I have spent the last 7 months failing over and over. I know how I sound. I know what needs to happen. I needed to vent a little but more importantly I wanted to say: Keep sharing. Your struggles & victories are such an inspiration. This is a little oasis of hope during my day (corny? Yeah:). Thank you for being raw and honest and vulnerable. It helps more than you know. Have a good weekend everyone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted November 8, 2013 Report Share Posted November 8, 2013 Welcome back. 200mgs sounds like a lot BE CAREFUL! We are here to support you. Post often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shambo Posted November 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2013 I know. It's crazy high. I typically don't take that much, but I haven't taken them as prescribed either. My true self accepts that it's time to give up & quit. Then my addy brain always wants to try one more month to get it right. Last night concerned me. How in the hell did I go to sleep?! My brain must be pudding. I don't know if I'll post often. The last thing I want is to be the forum cry baby. And the next week or so is going to be- you know. Thanks for replying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted November 9, 2013 Report Share Posted November 9, 2013 Chelle, If you weren't convinced before that you had an addiction problem with Adderall are you convinced now? I hope you are because it is obvious to the rest of us here after seeing "200mgs in a day." Have you heard the AA experssion "Once you change a cucumber into a pickle, it can never be a cucumber again." I think you have turned yourself into a pickle. Now, even one pill will send you back to the exact spot where you left off with your addiction, and then move higher. That's just the way addiction works. I wouldn't worry about crying on the forum. You would rob us of our sense of value. You see, by trying to help others, we are helping ourselves stay sober. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunax Posted November 9, 2013 Report Share Posted November 9, 2013 I wouldn't worry about crying on the forum. You would rob us of our sense of value. You see, by trying to help others, we are helping ourselves stay sober. Nicely said 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shambo Posted November 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2013 @jon I do know. It sucks. It's such a messy ball of wax. Can I finally separate my worth from how much I weigh? Can I maintain the great sex life w my husband (when I went off addys for 2 months, I became a chubby, hungry, Snuggle buddy. Not horny. Not sexy.). Can I give up the need to prove I can take the meds right? Can I admit that the last 3 years I put my family through a roller coaster of uncertainty, and live w all the guilt that entails? Can I be strong enough to stay clean when my house is a mess, my husband comments about my big ass & I haven't homeschooled my 5 kids in a month? Fuck. I know I can't afford NOT to overcome and accept those things. Thank you for shifting my perspective about being a "cry baby". That was so well put. One more thing- I read your comment somewhere about losing your passion for photography. That is a huge source of sadness and confusion for me. I've tried everything I know to find it again. Even bought a new Leica last week- nothing has worked. Have you felt that coming back to you yet? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted November 9, 2013 Report Share Posted November 9, 2013 No Chelle, I haven't felt the return of my passion for photography, but I used Adderall for a long time and it will take some time for that passion to return. I smiled when I read in your profile that you like film photography. I miss film photography something terrible, but what can we do? Digital rules the day. I used to love the browns in Agfrachrome. I used to shoot Fugichrome Velvia at iso40 on a regular basis. I shot some B&W print film for the darkroom too. I am a true believer in the saying: "Time heals all wounds." If you get back to your true self, (that's what we are all trying to do), by quitting and staying quit, I can see you with that new Leica of your's making compositions you can be proud of. The good news: My passion for birding has returned to me with a little encouragement from some white-eyed vireo's. They are such adorable little birds. It helped being with a birding friend who knew what they were. I had written them off as goldfinches in winter plumage. What a surprise it was to discover them, with thier white spectacles and beautiful olive coloration and white wing bars, through binoculars. AHHH...Joy! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shambo Posted November 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2013 Birding!!! I miss that too! I've gone through spells when I'd obsess over bird watching, but it's been a while. Saw my first Indigo Bunting earlier this year. Velviaaaaaaa! Digital will never make me as happy as a correctly exposed/composed negative of Velvia. Ever! Lol! My husband built a darkroom for me about 4 months ago. Enlarger & all. I haven't developed a single roll yet. He bought me new binoculars for birding- I've used them once in the last 2 months. Hopefully change is on the wind.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted November 9, 2013 Report Share Posted November 9, 2013 Hopefully change is on the wind. You know the price is high coming off, but you are worth it Chelle! You have so much to give. Your enthusiam for birding and photography are two subjects that could consume months of conversation. It can be something to distract you while you do the hard work. Your husband sounds very supportive. His actions say that he wants the old you back. Go birding together this weekend. The migration is in full swing. If he isn't a birder, let him be your assistant. You describe the bird through the binoculars and he does the ID with the Sibley field book. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted November 11, 2013 Report Share Posted November 11, 2013 Chelle, I just want to echo Jon's sentiments that we are here for you. Perhaps some time spent daily with some self assurance exercises could bring some positivity to your post quit life? And if your husband makes a comment about a huge ass, put him in his place and make him realize that the only huge ass in the room is him. You are strong enough to take control of your own destiny! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shambo Posted November 11, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 11, 2013 Hahaha! Justin, that was a much needed laugh! Thank you. I'm on day 2.... Netflix, a jar of garlic stuffed olives, 6 pieces of toast, a cup of ice cream & 5 cups of coffee- maybe exercises would be more productive. . My husband & I had several talks over the weekend. Id love to have clarity and closure but today is what I have. And today I'm laying in bed watching TV. And today is good. Thank you for touching base w me and making me laugh. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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