I didn't start long ago, but I KNOW I need to stop

[blesbro]

A question for the people that have come back to use/abuse again: Was it because you missed the high, you were lonely or bored, you wanted to avoid physical withdrawal, you wanted to avoid depression? Obviously there can be other reasons. I would like to know what straw broke your camel's back. 

 

I think one of the most common cause of relapse is people are addicted and their brain tricks them into thinking that taking adderall will somehow make their life better despite their negative experiences in the past. How they feel it will make their life better depends on the person. For you, whatever positive things you felt like the drug did for you would be the potential "straws" that break the camels back. I would venture to guess that for you it would be a desire to feel more intelligent/articulate.

[oyvey]

Thank you for the responses. The ironic thing in my case is that I didn't share my experience on it with anyone. I only used it alone. I lacked the motivation to be social. It was being in my own world and being completely okay technically accomplishing nothing. Some people I have read about got straight A's, became socialites, had fun feeling more confident etc. I basically just sat and read or sometimes got into political discussions online. For me I suppose my straw could be feeling so relaxed being alone. I need to make social plans regularly and get back to my daily workouts.

[Greg]

A question for the people that have come back to use/abuse again: Was it because you missed the high, you were lonely or bored, you wanted to avoid physical withdrawal, you wanted to avoid depression? Obviously there can be other reasons. I would like to know what straw broke your camel's back.

For me it was because I couldn't handle the discomfort of the physical withdrawal after three months not to mention the depression. In hindisight, I should have been stronger, if I just pushed a couple more months and was more patient I could have kicked the first time. Instead I relapsed and had to do it all over again.nsecond time with success. Thank goodness.

[JustinW]

For me it was because I couldn't handle the discomfort of the physical withdrawal after three months not to mention the depression. In hindisight, I should have been stronger, if I just pushed a couple more months and was more patient I could have kicked the first time. Instead I relapsed and had to do it all over again.nsecond time with success. Thank goodness.

+1 to that, I would be 15 months clean instead of 9 months if it weren't for my relapse.  If only I had held out a little longer...

[oyvey]

Im not at the withdrawal phase yet at day 2, I have more physical energy but just not as verbally/mentally articulate than I perceived myself to be on it. I am missing the routine of having something to look forward to-the reward aspect. I can see how my mind wants its present.

[oyvey]

At some point when I'm more financially stable I need to look into hypnosis for the purpose of concentration and focus. I personally enjoyed the focus lack of distraction more than the buzz factor. For the first time in 40 years being able to read more than a few paragraphs without totally zoning out or putting a book down was unimaginable. That's a goal of mine again, but sans an addictive drug.

[blesbro]

At some point when I'm more financially stable I need to look into hypnosis for the purpose of concentration and focus. I personally enjoyed the focus lack of distraction more than the buzz factor. For the first time in 40 years being able to read more than a few paragraphs without totally zoning out or putting a book down was unimaginable. That's a goal of mine again, but sans an addictive drug.

There are some great free self-hypnosis videos on youtube I believe. Check them out. Also, I've found isochronic tones and classical music to help me focus and calm me while trying to get mental tasks done such as homework or reading. Type in on youtube, "daily music learning isochronic" and click the top video. That's one of my favorite ones to listen to.

[oyvey]

Interesting. I've used binaural Youtube videos w/different frequencies in attempt to slow my mind before taking adderall. People told me for years to take yoga, so I tried some classes and my mind was so not there or in tune. I've tried meditations for a long time and i stay scatter brained. I guess that's what brought me to take a drug as a last resort. The abusing part I didn't expect at all, but I'm 100% responsible. It was NOT doctors orders. Instead of thinking about something good and productive before bed and waking up, I was literally thinking about Adderall. That's a huge red flag. I acknowledge it and need to reprogram. Prior to this addiction I enjoyed my gym endorphins and sex. I lost my drive with this stuff big time. Im looking forward to getting that part back. 

[Zerokewl]

Interesting. I've used binaural Youtube videos w/different frequencies in attempt to slow my mind before taking adderall. People told me for years to take yoga, so I tried some classes and my mind was so not there or in tune. I've tried meditations for a long time and i stay scatter brained. I guess that's what brought me to take a drug as a last resort. The abusing part I didn't expect at all, but I'm 100% responsible. It was NOT doctors orders. Instead of thinking about something good and productive before bed and waking up, I was literally thinking about Adderall. That's a huge red flag. I acknowledge it and need to reprogram. Prior to this addiction I enjoyed my gym endorphins and sex. I lost my drive with this stuff big time. Im looking forward to getting that part back. 

 

Interesting. I've used binaural Youtube videos w/different frequencies in attempt to slow my mind before taking adderall. People told me for years to take yoga, so I tried some classes and my mind was so not there or in tune. I've tried meditations for a long time and i stay scatter brained. I guess that's what brought me to take a drug as a last resort. The abusing part I didn't expect at all, but I'm 100% responsible. It was NOT doctors orders. Instead of thinking about something good and productive before bed and waking up, I was literally thinking about Adderall. That's a huge red flag. I acknowledge it and need to reprogram. Prior to this addiction I enjoyed my gym endorphins and sex. I lost my drive with this stuff big time. Im looking forward to getting that part back. 

You really do have a handle on what a mindfuck this thing is. It will take some time but you will get there

[blesbro]

Interesting. I've used binaural Youtube videos w/different frequencies in attempt to slow my mind before taking adderall. People told me for years to take yoga, so I tried some classes and my mind was so not there or in tune. I've tried meditations for a long time and i stay scatter brained. I guess that's what brought me to take a drug as a last resort. The abusing part I didn't expect at all, but I'm 100% responsible. It was NOT doctors orders. Instead of thinking about something good and productive before bed and waking up, I was literally thinking about Adderall. That's a huge red flag. I acknowledge it and need to reprogram. Prior to this addiction I enjoyed my gym endorphins and sex. I lost my drive with this stuff big time. Im looking forward to getting that part back. 

I lost my sex drive and gym drive completely when on adderall too. I still went to the gym out of habit but couldn't force enough food down my throat to gain weight. I ended up losing at least 20 lbs of muscle multiple times because I simply couldn't eat enough. And my workouts sucked ass. I didn't push myself very hard. Now I go 10x harder in the gym every day. And my sex drive is high. Yay for no adderall.

[quit-once]

You really do have a handle on what a mindfuck this thing is. It will take some time but you will get there

I agree with ZK, you really do have a good understanding about the Adderall addiction thing, Oyvey.  Most people would try to chase the high a lot longer than you did.  I have been following this thread for the last few days and I am most impressed that you have quit, flushed, and canceled.  It sounds like you simply realized that your tolerance was getting insane and that the addiction would rapidly become unsustainable.  I suggest you try yoga again after you have normalized from quitting.  I took up yoga about a year after quitting and I am still practicing at least weekly.  Did you experience any physical side effects from the higher doses? 

[oyvey]

Thank you. My chase would have continued but it seemed like even at the highest dosage I wasn't getting any bad side effects, but i knew soon enough it would be dangerous and flat out ruin my life. My tolerance just grew too fast too quick. I saw the train wreck coming. I was being complacent about responsibilities and becoming very much a loner. I felt almost good being alone without feeling lonely. The focus alone wasn't even good enough at the last dose. If it was 100mg, it would have been 200mg within a week or two I'm sure of it. I never snorted or injected but that could have been on the horizon as well. I wasn't the person making gains at school or work. I didn't need it to get ahead and I certainly didn't get ahead at anything. It impeded any progress I could have had, but it just felt great being hyper focused and calm/euphoric. I should have know better than to chase a feeling I could only get with another pill. I didn't have any hangovers and didn't miss any sleep so I seemed to have kept my head in the game without going insane. Simply put, I was chasing the dragon but there was not catching it without killing my life or killing myself in the process. I read stories online about abuse of this stuff and saw me in their shoes someday too soon. I can think of 100 reasons to stop and maybe 3 to continue. Looking at my calendar it was a total of 10 weeks, not 12 like I initially thought. Being 10 only weeks in and seeing red flags screams get out while you have a chance.

[oyvey]

Im on my 3rd day clean. Aside from a very mild back ache and just generally bummed that I'm not getting that euphoria/focus that i loved so much I'm doing okay. Im going to the gym shortly, doing some praying, doing some work and getting a much needed haircut that I've been putting off. Sometimes i dwell a lot on stupid sober choices in my life or some unfortunate tragedies that put my in a huge financial hole. I need to get out of that pattern and glue myself to what good I do have. Self doubt has limited me for a long time. Im not getting any younger and I'm still single{not that it's a curse], but having someone to trust and pick you up in times of mental doubt would be nice. Sorry, just using this is as my journal of sorts. 

[blesbro]

I agree with quit-once. I have a lot of respect for you being able to get of that train to hell before you reached the destination. You will certainly find that the natural euphoria of life is much better than the false euphoria of adderall. I have no doubt about that. Just give it some time. As for focus, you know what it feels like to feel calm and focused now so I think if you keep searching for natural solutions, with the help of your doctor, you will be able to get to a much more focused state naturally.

[oyvey]

Im not a miracle worker and i can't promise quit once, but I'm definitely going to do my best. Just one pill will likely get me back on the train, so zero is the magic number. I didn't taper down because i didn't think I had the control to. I had the pills to do it, but i know it wasn't going to happen. Every time I think of it, the "Last dance with Mary Jane" song pops into my head. I feel more forgetful now about silly things like what i went into a room for or what i was supposed to get at the store. I guess brain power will come back in due time.

[oyvey]

Knock on wood, made it through another day without any kind of withdrawal that would give me any thoughts about going back on adderall. Around late afternoon I remembered what it was like to be on it and the pleasantness, but no cravings. Obviously its only been a few days so I'm not out of the woods.

[oyvey]

What were your personal wake up calls when you said to yourself using this is a problem and i need to stop?

[Cassie]

I became socially weird, creepy and overly serious, and i was ruining my relationships. I was anxious and paranoid all the time too.

[blesbro]

My biggest wake up call was I could no longer do well in school no matter how hard I tried even with adderall. But there were many, many more. That was just the straw that broke the camels back.

[oyvey]

I feel like the old man of the message board starting 40yrs old as opposed to back in the school days. If you don't mind me asking Cassie, what was the highest dose that you go to?

[JustinW]

You're not that much older than Zerokewl or I and Jon has you beat.  We are a variety pack on this board.

[oyvey]

A good, respectful bunch on here. That's a very pleasant find and much needed. 

[quit-once]

What were your personal wake up calls when you said to yourself using this is a problem and i need to stop?

When I realized the physical addiction had become so intense that I felt like a wilted leaf and I absolutely could not function without taking a goddamn pill.

By the way, there are a lot of us older than you, oyvey.  I'm 50.

[oyvey]

You only have me by a few years. Were you functioning if you call it that by abusing or using by doc's standards? It's been a few days and I still have dry mouth. Im not complaining, I'm just surprised something like that hasn't gone away. Im slightly anxious but I have always been, so that isn't really new. It just went away when i was abusing.

[Jon]

I was exhausted all the time, with the exception of the first few hours of the day. I needed the 20mg pill and a big cup of coffee in order to get up and started. I would need another 10mgs and other big coffee to get through the afternoon, even though I still felt exhausted. There was a period where I used up to 70 mgs a day. Then I would take Xanax and Ambien to sleep. The sleep I got was never long enough or of a quality to be refreshing.

 

I noticed that I was losing friends. I ended three friendships myself. My state of mind was paranoid, detached, worried and stressed. I turned away from doing pleasurable things when invited. I felt trapped in a lifestyle that I could no longer bare living. I lost interest in everything that mattered. I was ready to quit, but I didn’t know how. My doctor told me I would have stay on it for life. I was blind to any wake-up calls. My mind was in a constant fog.

 

I hung on, existing like the living dead for another 5 years. I searched around for help. I went to a recovery meeting at a local church but they couldn’t relate to my problems. Just going to the meeting was a wake-up call for me. Taking that action made me see how desperate I was. I had to find a way to get out of this insanity. I searched the web, found this website, and with it, the hope I was seeking.

 

 I followed one of Mike’s suggestions to take a vacation day. I hadn’t taken a day off from Adderall in 12 years. I survived the vacation day and started my cold turkey quit the following Saturday. I have been Adderall free for 5 months today. The support here has carried me through this rocky period. I could not have done it alone. Thank you everyone.