Identity Crisis, Who AM I?

[LifelongUser]

Hey, I just signed up. I've been using Adderall therapeutically for over half my life. Pre-Adderall, I was fat, struggling in school, inattentive, twitchy, introverted, impulsive. I was also only 8 years old when I got put on the meds. For a long time, everything was roses and rainbows and joy. I lost all the excess weight until it looked like I'd just been liberated from a camp circa 1945. Before the Adderall, I was borderline Spec Ed because my ADHD was so severe, and that was as a second grader. After I got on the medication, it was amazing. I was used to being so impaired by my condition (no attention span which led to poor memory, forgetting that I was taking/not  being able to concentrate on tests, etc.) that the sudden explosion of productivity was amazing. Without Adderall, I've no doubt that I'd just be a burnt-out, depressed, failure of a person with no future and nothing to look forward to in life. It, along with solid familial support, is why I'm even able to think about being a chemical engineer. 

 

But...I feel like I'm missing something. Part of me desperately wants to be normal Me. On the few days I get off from Uni, I avoid the drug, and they're easily the best days for me. I get a touch goofy, my memory goes to shit, I dance for no reason and to no music but the internal song of my soul. It pisses my friends and family off to no end when I do though. They say that I become immature and kind of dumb when I go without, which hurts extra because I have always been introverted, so I've only got 2 friends. Both very close friends, but neither can stand being around me for any length of time without the Adderall. Now that I'm on break for a while, I've had more time to be off the drug, and I've come to realize: I don't know who I am without it. After a day or two without it, of being how nature made me and loving every minute even if it's damn near impossible to carry a conversation more than five minutes, I started to feel anxious (beyond the onset of withdrawal beginning). I've always been one to analyze those feelings to a fault (probably from the depression), and I concluded that not only do I not know how to sit still and concentrate without my Adderall, but also that I don't know how to function without it. I hardly even remember a time when I was not on it. How much of 'my' personality is the drug? Would I, sans ADHD, have turned out like I am currently, had I never needed adderall? I don't know if I can quit. I've lived more than half my life on it. I know for a fact that I can't function on the level I need to in order to pass my classes without it. I tried, and it went intensely poorly. But all the same...I love being off my meds. I don't know what normal is for me though. After all this time, am I normal on it, or off? I've not been able to answer that concretely, and the idea is always at the edge of my mind: who am I, now? Who might I have been? For one of those questions, I don't know. For the other question, I don't think I want to know, but I'm sure that with my family history I'd be hopelessly addicted to something other than Adderall. 

 

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I just want to be myself for a little while. But I can't. I don't know who I am anymore. I can't even figure out which me "myself" refers to: medicated or unmedicated. I have spent more time by far medicated than not, but...damn internal conflicts.

 

Thanks for letting me rant guys. I couldn't find the support site for existential crises, and I've been flirting with getting off Adderall for months. Seeing the source and that thought...this seemed an appropriate place to post. If...if anyone else has gone through something similar, just not being sure who you are like I am right now, I'd really appreciate some ideas on how to get through it. My psych shat the bed on this one when I tried to talk to her about it. Hopefully the Internet can do better.

[Jon]

It took a lot of courage to make your post! Welcome to the forums. I am sorry, my experience is not at all like yours. Have you sought out the opinion of another psychiatrist? I think that would be a good idea considering the response of your current doctor.

[SweetCarolinee]

Hey. Nice to meet and hear from you! You wrote a lot and I still have brain fog from not taking addy so I don't really know where to start. I can completely relate with you and your story on some levels during different times of my use though. So know your not alone, my friend. Your not the only one in this battle/war.

To start, maybe you should do what Jon suggested and find a different psychiatrist.

You looked for and found this website for a reason so I take it your on the fence of quitting or not. Maybe you should write a list of the pros and cons of quitting -- kind of like you did but maybe a shorter list with bullet notes. I also think you need to take a while and really reflect on what you want and how you want to live the rest of your life. You may not think so but you have a choice. And you have the power to change. There is life without Adderall and it is actually a better, healthier, more balanced and fulfilling life but you have to fight for it and work even harder for it.

A life without Adderall for an addict/someone recovering isn't going to be easier (than life on it) but it will get easier with time. With time, you won't even think about it anymore but that may be a long way away. I will be 2 weeks clean tomorrow and it hasn't been a walk in the park but it has't been as bad as I thought either. I stopped taking it during the Christmas/New Years break and that has really made all the difference in the beginning of my recovery. I suggest you quit during a break from school or during a light semester. I'm not dying without it. Life goes on. If anything, I feel stronger and more free. I feel lighter. More like a human. Yes, I'm cranky and tired and hungry as shit and I gained 5lbs already in 2 weeks (which is a lot on my 5'4" frame) but that is the price I'm willing to pay and live with, to live a life without "A"... I will learn to get my willpower, motivation, body, health, fitness, mind, soul, energy, drive and focus back soon enough.

You said you've spent most of your life on Adderall so if you ask me (note: I'm not a doctor at all / I'm just giving you my personal feedback) I would try to be without it. You just have to do your homework, research, etc. and prepare yourself, know what to expect and plan out your recovery because you will be more likely to succeed. Also this site has been really helpful. This community and support system has meant the world to me these past few days. What also really helps is reminding myself why I choice to quit and get my life back. I already feel more at peace with myself and less crazy. My thoughts are more calm.

Before Adderall, I felt kind of like the Scarecrow from the "Wizard of Oz." Like you, I have bad ADHD and my life wasn't as great as I wanted it to be. I felt like I wasn't living up to my full potential. I not only have ADHD, I'm dyslexic and was diagnosed in the 1st grade with learning disabilities. It took me longer to learn to read and write but I was always extremely advanced in drawing, in special art classes, and super creative. Hence, I ended up graduating from one of the best art/design schools 2 years ago. But because of that, threw out school (before college) kids would tease me and call me "stupid," which really really hurt. That is why I felt like the Scarecrow, I was always looking for my lack of "smarts" (my brain, you could say) so when I found Adderall, I was hooked and not only that, it helped me lose weight so that was a bonus.  But now on the other side like the Scarecrow at the end of story, I'm realizing I'm smart and I didn't (and don't) need Adderall and the Scarecrow didn't need Oz. What we were looking for and wanted, we had inside all along, the entire time. And you do too. You have that power inside you to overcome taking Adderall and ADHD. You just need to realize that and figure out how to. And you need to want it enough and want it enough for you. Not for anyone else.

You kept saying "you love when your not on adderall" but your friends and family don't like how you act. I think you should stop telling them when your off it, if you do. If that is why your scared to quit, you need to stop making excuses and do this for you. And your life and overall well-being. Your friends and family will still be there for you threw this rough time and if they aren't, we will be. And if your friends don't understand or don't stick around, they aren't real friends to begin with, if you ask me.

I see Adderall now as a crutch or excuse. And I'm 25 years old, I'm done using crutches and making excuses. In the end, I know, I have the power to be who I want to be and get what I want to get out of life and that is a person and life without Adderall. And that is the path I'm choosing to go down.

Goodluck… I hope this has helped. I don't mean to sound like a corny syfy movie or anything but you have the power within you!

[TeacherZombie]

LifelongUser, I have not posted my story yet, but it is so similar to yours that it's almost not worth posting, lol.

 

I am a bit older than you, I think. I am 28 years old, a special education teacher for students with LD/ADD/EI/Asperger's and I not only love my job but I am great at it (aside from classroom management, <sigh>). 

 

Anyway, I have been advised by some doctors, since college, that I should go off meds because of the strain it was putting on ym heart in college, and now the severe asthma caused by the medication used to treat those heart problems. Basically, I can die of an asthma attack any day, because the med prevents inhalers from working.

 

But, like you, I have been medicated for *literally* half my life. I was diagnosed and put on meds in the 7th grade. I also had severe depression and anxiety, which are also being medicated. But, I'm finally thinking maybe my happiness with my job and the identity I've built for myself isn't worth the risk of death by asthma attack sometime in the next several years.  It actually scares some of my friends to know that I once told the cardiologist I'd rather die on meds by the age of 30 (this was when I was 18) than to go off them and have to go back to the way I was before. But now that I'm 28, I'm not so sure. 

 

Like you, I have that part of me that wants to be who I was always going to be. But, I also know I will likely not be able to perform my job and may not be able to maintain the friendships and my marriage off of it. I'm not sure. But, if I were you, I'd go to a psychiatrist, like I'm going to be doign next week, and tell them you want to try going off very very slowly and that this isn't a matter for discussion. You'd like their help in assisting you to go off of it fully by the summer, and then you'll make up your mind over the summer whether you want to go back on or not. 

 

Also, like others have said, a Pros and Cons list will be helpful. I still need to make mine and I'm going to keep a diary. Also, I have friends who have gone off meds and they say that you can't know what you will actually be life off meds for about 4 months. Like you, I am incredibly intelligent. I was pre-med in college, decided not to go into medicine because I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, and went into teaching special education instead. I am currently working on a second endorsement in Math as well, and my boss has made it clear that I need to finish this certification to ensure my job security. I can completely sympathize with your situation, and if you need a new friends going through the same thing as you, I'm more than willing to be that person, or at least one of them, because I know how desperately I want someone who knows what I'm going through too.  Even if you decide not to do it and keep considering it, I'd be happy to keep you posted on how things go for me.

 

Best of luck!

[cat21508]

Hi,

 

I'm so glad you posted this. I'm in the process of weaning myself off of adderall which I very seriously abused for years. The worst part for me has been the catastrophic identity crisis I'm experiencing and how much confidence I've lost in myself. The dreadful feeling of not knowing who I really am is like a knot in my stomach that won't go away. The road to regaining my sense of self (whatever that road is! is there one??) seems daunting and emotionally exhausting. I don't know where to start. I'd love to chat with you more about this when I have more time to elaborate. Hang in there though! I feel exactly the same way but I know we can overcome this.