Relapsed

[tinybuddha]

It took me a very long time to get back(somewhat)from my addiction and depression. I have been coming to the forum longer than I would like to admit. I do not want to sound corny, but at one time it might have saved my life. My life was a mess!(It looked perfect from the outside) It still is a mess but in progress. But at least I am living not and just a zombie. I am way behind on where I should be at almost all levels but trying to put back the pieces. Mine is a long story. Anyway due to  addiction, depression and leaving an abusive relationship it feels like I lost years of my life(literally can't remember)I am scrambling to fix my situation as I pretty much just did not care about anything and let stuff pile up. My parents have been very supportive with helping me get back but it has been over a year now and we both know must end. I moved away and it was very hard at first, but it was good for me in most ways. I had to move back at least temporally to be able to study. I am lucky to able to come back to my family's house rent free but it just feels so cold and depressive here. I am back here in limbo waiting for one way or another that other shoe to drop. I have degrees and all the means to be able to work. I literally have just one major test to pass and then it feels like I can finally have a life again. I must have been smart I made it through college(with high GPA) and a Medical Programl(that was hard) and did pretty well. Now I feel like I can barely motivate to make myself study even an hour. A year and a half ago getting outside the house or out of my pjs and brushing my teeth was seriously an accomplishment. I had become so depressed and addicted I barely left my house before. After many failed attempts, finally coming clean with Mom and searching for any decent rehab that was not astronomically expensive(which I was shocked but was not able to find one that would work) I moved to another state and managed through a lot of trial and error to get off the adderall and any other pills I had added on over the years.Then it became each day I got through without adderall for a success for 8 months. I took all the vitamins and supplements for awhile and some did help and others were a huge waste. Life can not just go on by only getting through a day without a pill unfortunately. Since then there have been major struggles but was able to get off most of my pills(at times I was on handfuls) I still can not shake the ambien addiction(I despertely want that)I have tried but figure one thing at a time. Adderall and my personal situation at the time were my main issue so once I finally got that under control it was easier to realize and fix my abuse of pills. I need to be back do doing at least 10hrs for 5x days a month very realistically. That is when my adderall addiction was at its peak after the honeymoon phase, but before the awful spiral down. The issue is I MUST(I am the max tim allowed 6yrs) pass this extremely difficult exam. I have been trying to study but that is big trigger. I went to an extensive review course for 10weeks. I started using but small doses. I did well with that for months but now I feel myself creeping up the doses and justifying.  The self isolation is a major issue for me and coupled with studying does not help me avoid the deep depression that happened last time. I know I was not ready for this, but I have no choice. If I don't then all those tough years and thousands and thousands of dollars would have been a waste. I need to get back under control and figure out a plan before I am back chasing the dragon because I know where that can end up. I feel so lazy and guilty constantly that I am not doing the study 100%(lucky if give 50%) the way I need to help fix my life. I owe a great deal of student loans and my parents spent a lot on my education. I need help trying to figure out a plan to get this over with and still not totally destroy my life in the process. Because I know once you start using can't even clearly think about this stuff it a lll becomes twisted. I hardly write anymore so forgive any grammatical mistakes please. I could use some  advice or support tonight:(

[quit-once]

I remember reading your posts before I joined the forums while I was planning my quit.  You inspired me with your determination to quit.  I suggest you go back and read your earlier posts from 2011.  The only other advice I have for you is to just take that test and be done with it so you can move on with your life.  How many times will they allow you to re-take it and howl long until the clock runs out for taking the test?  Have you tried any local support groups like pills anonymous or smart recovery?  I can also offer you my unconditional support for kicking all of your addictions, however you choose to do so.  PM if you need to chat about anything personal.

[LILTEX41]

Tinybuddha,

 

I'm glad you made it back and I'm sorry you are struggling.  I agree with quitonce. Take the test and then be done with them.  Stick around the forums and maybe find a support network.

 

I know you can do this.  I have faith in you!

 

[tinybuddha]

I have only one shot left because I will max out on time allowed to be taken within 6yrs. Thanks you. I know actually posting and interacting was hard for me last time(even though read forum everyday) but it really helped so I am going to try. 

[Jon]

Tinybudda,

 

Is there someone who is taking the test also, someone you can buddy up with? The buddy system would really benefit you in this situation, I think. It would also address the isolation issue. Look on the web or try to obtain a manifest of the test participants from the organization that is offering the test.

 

Please do take Quit once up on his offer to help you with your situation and your addictions. He is a good friend to have in a tight spot. Do youself a justice here and allow someone to help you. Act with courage!