My story: Started with Adderall, ended with meth. I could use some advice.

[westexaco]

Hello. This website is fantastic! Really glad I discovered it. I'm 27 years old and my story starts when I was misdiagnosed with ADD in my early twenties.

Once upon a time I visited a doctor that made very liberal use of his prescription pad. I complained of anxiety and he prescribed Klonopin. I told him of occasional panic attacks and he tacked on Xanax. He gave me Vicadin for headaches and Ambien for occasional insomnia. When I mentioned that I was experiencing a bit of brain-fog (and who wouldn't on all these drugs?) I was given 60x 30mg Adderall IR per month. Over the next six months I developed a tolerance and was gradually bumped up to 120 tabs per month. That is over 3.5 grams of pharmaceutical-grade Amphetamine every single month.

For a while everything was fine. I had more energy and got more work done than I could ever have imagined. Doing things, doing anything, was super fun. Fear and anxiety became impossibilities... I was like a social God! Some of the best conversations of my life were had on Adderall. Things that scared me before, like public speaking or talking to women, suddenly became as trivial as tying my shoes. This was life on easy mode!

Fast-forward six months or so. I now needed Adderall to motivate myself to do anything at all, but saw no problem with this because Addy was so much fun. Occasionally I would binge for a few days and nights, because why not? I had more Adderall than I could use and effectively doubling my waking hours made me feel like superman. I slowly started transitioning from using Adderall for medicinal/utilitarian purposes to using it 100% for fun. I would only hang with friends that had Addy or meth and we'd see how long we could stay up. The longer we stayed awake, the weirder/cooler things got. We started having shared hallucinations. Seriously, I'd see a shadow monster and my friends could see the exact same thing. It was awesome. It was like we were exploring an alternate dimension together. We would tweak together, mixing Adderall and meth and sometimes coke, doing pills, tripping out in our private world. The longer we stayed awake the more real things got. We could talk to these shadow people after the 3rd or 4th day. After day 5 we generally lost the ability to differentiate between real life and shadow land. None of this insanity seemed wrong or unhealthy to me because I had lost the ability to feel negative emotions. Amphetamine was an absolute blast.

Fast-forward a year or so. The good times stopped being so good. I didn't used to get come-downs from Adderall or meth, but now the come-down was almost unbearable every single time. The only way to really deal with it was lots of weed or lots of benzos. Even then it was nuts. Intense paranoia, insane muscle aches/cramps/pain, jaw-clenching, no appetite but I was still very hungry, racing thoughts to the point of insanity, scary hallucinations (not the fun kind from before)... it was bad. But I still kept doing it. Amphetamine became my sole source of enjoyment and pleasure. Besides, it was still super fun until the come-down. So fun that over the course of a year I didn't even notice that ALL my family and friends had either grown to hate me or cut me out of their lives completely. I was in such a dopamine/GABA fueled haze. It took me getting arrested (a few times), crashing my car, hospitalizing myself in ICU for a week, getting a concussion and rehab to finally get it through my head that I needed to sloooooow doooown.

Been clean for 7 months now. No amphetamine, no prescriptions, not even weed or cigarettes. Totally sober. Still haven't regained my ability to enjoy things again. I have zero motivation and very little energy. I've heard it can take years to recover. I know my drug use may be a bit outside the scope of this forum, but I'm asking for help anyway. Does it ever get easier? When do I start enjoying life again? I think about going back to Amphetamine every single day. Hell, every single hour. More, even. An Adderall prescription is only a phone call away, you know?

I haven't forgotten the bad times and I know they would happen again if I go back. But once you've seen just how INSANELY FUN life can be, and once you realize that normal sober life cannot possibly compare to that... how do you not go back?

[JustinW]

How do you not go back to using? You don't do it because it is no longer an option. Because you realize that going back is a one way street with one outcome, death. So you never go back and you learn that life has a lot more meaning and fulfillment to offer than a drug. It's not always fun, but the bad times enhance the good times. Welcome to the forums! Your 7 months is a huge accomplishment that came at a great cost.

[JustinW]

Sometimes when I need some encouragement to keep on fighting this thing I read Dylan Thomas's "Do not go gentle into that dark night"

Things will get better; it just takes time!

[Zerokewl]

Hard to say when you will start "lovin" life again. I think that just happens, no point of looking at the calendar to find out when. I'm 7 months along and my motivation and vitality are starting to return.  Little changes , become big changes.  Just take care of your self and things will happen.  This is a great time to do some goal setting and start working towards them.  

[Jon]

Hard to say when you will start "lovin" life again. I think that just happens, no point of looking at the calendar to find out when. I'm 7 months along and my motivation and vitality are starting to return.  Little changes , become big changes.  Just take care of your self and things will happen.  This is a great time to do some goal setting and start working towards them.  

 

The thoughts that Zerokewl has ring true in every direction. Congratulations on 7 months clean. It's true, speed is easy to get, but if you think about the price you have paid already, doesn't that make you want to run away from the thought of getting into it again?  You will get better if you stay sober, accept the fact that you can never use again, and hang out with sober people. 

 

If you relapse at your level of use, and that is what relapse is all about—going back to the peak levels again and more—expect to pay double down on your dues.

[quit-once]

Westexaco,

I read your post this morning before going to work and wanted to respond but didn't have the time.  Sorry in advance if this becomes a lengthy reply.

 

I have played with nearly all of the drugs you mentioned.  The difference for me was that I played with coke and meth before discovering Adderall.  I am a speed freak and nothing will ever change that, so my only way to deal with it is to stay away from all stimulant drugs for the rest of my life.  I, too, played with the benzos along with Adderall and experienced those horrible painful muscle cramps, tremors, and joint pain that came from the combo of abusing and withdrawing from benzos and speed on a weekly basis.  I smoked cigs too and kicked them about the same time I ditched the speed. 

 

It was hard for me to read about your adventures while tweaking because it was insanely fun for me too and I really miss that part of my addiction.  Every weekend binge was like looking forward to a childhood trip to Disneyland.   I, too had my own zoo of shadow monsters and rock gods, although mine were always the friendly kind.  Tweaking with friends was incredibly fun.  I now accept that it is all a memory and those days will never return.  One of my tweaker friends, who is also my best friend from high school, quit Adderall about a year after I did.  Another friend went from addie to meth and that is where he is now.  I don't see them too much anymore.  Every time I do see my meth-using friend, his hair gets more gray and he just looks years older in a matter of only months.  Do you still see your tweaker buddies?

 

.

Been clean for 7 months now. No amphetamine, no prescriptions, not even weed or cigarettes. Totally sober. Still haven't regained my ability to enjoy things again. I have zero motivation and very little energy. I've heard it can take years to recover. I know my drug use may be a bit outside the scope of this forum, but I'm asking for help anyway. Does it ever get easier? When do I start enjoying life again? I think about going back to Amphetamine every single day. Hell, every single hour. More, even. An Adderall prescription is only a phone call away, you know?

I haven't forgotten the bad times and I know they would happen again if I go back. But once you've seen just how INSANELY FUN life can be, and once you realize that normal sober life cannot possibly compare to that... how do you not go back?

Now to address some of your questions:

 

Congrats for making it sober for seven months.  Yes, it does get easier with more time in recovery.  I started to feel much better around the nine month mark.  Everybody is different, however, and there are too many variables of an individual's recovery to put it on a time line.  At some point, you will begin to feel much better.  I was still thinking about Adderall a hundred times a day at seven months, especially the "last year at this time I was....." kind of thoughts.  Yes, an Adderall script or pill is only a phone call away.  You will ALWAYS be only one pill, puff, or powder away from resuming your addiction(s).  Accept it and deal with it.

 

How do you not go back? 

I will answer your question with a question.  Are you on any kind of probation or subject to drug testing that is helping you stay off the shit?

You do not go back because that is a part of your life you are done with.  Like high school.  Like somebody who has died.  Like an ex- girlfriend who got married.

An amphetamine addiction is unsustainable.  The good times you had cannot return without the bad things coming back even worse.  In your case, Adderall will never do it for you again because you found meth in the mix, and if you go back to meth it will kill you.  I have never heard of anybody going back to their addiction and living happily ever after, have you?    

[ashley6]

Quit-once,

This is why I appreciate you on this site. You're responding to another person's post directly, but you said things that I really needed to hear....kind of a refresher course. You are so wise.