Hi I'm Dave and I'm an adderalic

[DIRB727]

Day 1. My mind is mush. I worry that it's permanently damaged --- esp now that I've read that article on the site on the amphetamine stages. Pretty sure I've hit 7 but I wish I hadn't seem that so I could stay in denial.

Actually reality check hit me hard this morning after not sleeping for prob 48 hours or so and playing hours of video games and surfing porn. For some reason those activities are enhanced when I take a ton of my adderall and that's an urge that I have literally zero control over once I take that first pill. That's where it starts with me -- the 10 mg pill and ironically it comes back to just one pill to set the entire sequence of me in zombie mode and not living.

I hate that I've become so isolated dull and reclusive and withdrawn. That's not me !!'

My head feels so screwy. I am so thankful to have found the group. I was literally tweaked out going through Craigslist looking at all the ads ( even furniture - seeing all these ways to redecorate my apartment and work out deals ). Anyway somehow I found the site and found people just like me.

I flushed my pills and am anticipating hellish withdrawals. I called out sick from work -- not sure what I'll do tomorrow but my head is murky at best. I have not been taking very care of myself and I'm in some depression pain frustration and confusion.

I've started and stopped adderal and ritilin many times since being diagnosed about 12 years ago. I'm 35 and never married and lose my wallet and keys often , interrupt others all the time , thoughts all over the place. Always fidgity , have been in 2 major accidents in blackout s from booze and pills and I've been to jail 3 times in 3 states (15 days max stay ) all on charges stemming from my self medicating ways ---

This sobriety is scary and takes work. All I need to worry about now though is the next few hours till bedtime. Staying in today. Otherwise my head will probably overload from everything I feel like I need to change about my life.

See doing it now --- focusing on all the negative again. Ah!! Stop.

I have a ton of blessings right now and yet I look at the things going wrong !! Let's list the good ---

I have a job I really enjoy in education , I have a car and legit license , I'm renting my own apartment and have privacy. ( took till I was 34 to finally rent my own crib-- big step !!) I paid my rent this month , I went to disneyland with my sisters and dad last month , and I made it through the holidays without taking a drink. Life is good.

Progress not perfection.

I do need help giving up adderal. To thine own self be true--- my inner voice knows this drug is poison to me and will become the great "remover" of all good in my life eventually-- material and people.

Day 1. Let's do this. I'm a fiend and need to remember how I feel today and this firm resolve NEVER to take even 1 addy again. It's poison to me !!!

[JustinW]

Dave, the comment about porn reminds me that it was a much greater temptation for me while I was taking adderall. I wonder what the link is? Maybe we're subconsciously looking for ways to connect with other human beings or it's all about absorbing new stimuli for our over medicated brains? I remember always chasing that elusive genuine, messed up video that would satisfy my desires. I am ashamed of my behavior looking back at it and how it damaged my relationships. Sorry about the rabbit trail. Once again, welcome to the forums!

[Zerokewl]

I wasted so much time doing the strangest things organizing, porn, pacing, re-organizing etc. It makes me wonder why I miss the productive person I used to be.  I think I have more productive hours in the day now. I've learned to accept some imperfection, for example my sock drawer is in utter dis array. Adderall me would have spent hours rectifying the situation. Post adderall me couldn't give a flying fuck .  I really skipped out on lot of birthday parties, concerts etc to organize etc.  Lame,lame,lame.

 

Anyways welcome to the board Dave. Pretty normal to be sleepy early in recovery (this period varies for everyone), don't fight it just figure out how to do the bare minimum to keep your apt, job etc while you are recovering.  Eventually the sleepiness, foginess etc passes.  Take it a day at a time.

[JustinW]

This conversation reminds me of one of the new Beavis and Butthead episodes "porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn..."

[DIRB727]

Day 2.

I prob can't keep taking every day off work.

2 straight days though. Need to go in tomorrow

Took everything just to wash the dishes and shower so far.

I've gone through this before though when I run out early so I know each day it will get better. That gives me hope.

Those comments above help to read. Reminds me not so unique and the only one !!

I get strength from the group

[Jon]

Kind of a spontaneoue quit, I see. It's harder this way but you can still tough it out, if your body and mind have the endurance. You are young enough at 34 to pull it off. You still have the power of youth on your side. You have the power of group support on your side. It helps to have faith in yourself and faith in somrthing beyond yourself.

 

Keep posting and keep it simple when it somes to your daily activities: Eating, working and sleeping are enough for now.

[SweetCarolinee]

How are you doing Dave!?