Life of An Addict

[Epiphany]

Well I like to give a special thanks to this forum first off it has been a real inspiration to me and many others who have fought this battle. To start off I am 22 years old student currently graduated from my college transferring in a semester hopefully to a University. But before I dive into my problem I will give you the whole insight of my life. When I was 8 years old I was diagnosed with at the time mild adhd by a psychiatrist only because my teacher said that I was not paying attention to instruction in class as well as my peers.  He prescribed 5mg to be administered once daily in the mornings by the school doctor, but being a rebel at the time I never took the medication seriously. So I went off of it until I hit middle school were my a family physician had pawned my mother into administering me 10mg of this junk up because I had told him I was having some trouble paying attention in class. The results of first taking the drug were night and day from what I can remember so much that I would spend all day in the library finishing my homework reading books until my eyeballs were literally about to fall out. My grades soared up drastically which resulted in my gpa  going from  3.1 to 3.6. Before I was the kid that would be goofing around having fun smiling, then to the kid who sat all by himself not thinking critically but obsessively about getting the next A+ or getting the highest grade in the class. 

 

Freshman year of high school came so i thought about quitting but decided not too because I was in an honors program which involved a lot of college based material this pressured me into sticking with the drug for longer than I anticipated. So all that year I stuck with the drug on and off. Then came my sophomore year I gave up the drug for the whole semester my grades plummeted downhill I almost could not function it went from pure confidence to an all time low. It got so bad that I could not even remember what assignments I had to turn in the next day my memory was shot from all those years of bashing my brains out. My junior year I transferred to a different high school & decided to still stay off the drug because I felt like when I did take them it would cause me these painful migraines among all other issues depression etc. So then my senior year came I thought about it again because my grades were not as good I would of wanted them to be I was about at a 3.2 gap this really worried me because the school's that I was applying to were very competitive. I just remember throughout my high school years as complete hell I was literally by myself I never wanted to be around people because I had extreme anxiety that people would make fun of my self behavior.

 

 

Fast forward after graduating I thought it would be best to go to a J.C. college I started my first two semesters clean then decided to use adderall on/ an off because I was taking heavy loads of classes which was really cumbersome. From what I recall it was about 20mg Adderall xr it would last almost all day entirely. So my schedule was take it in the morning everyday, however this usually never happened all the time since somedays I would not take it at all. Then I soon realized that it would not really last all day, so I went to the doctor he prescribed me 20mg Vyvanse hoping that it would help me get through all day without the sudden crash. The first time i took the pill it was pure ecstasy literally I was so happy all day that i just sat on my couch did nothing and even called random people that I never talk to in a blue moon . Shortly after about a week of this honey moon phase it started to work okay but still not that much in the concentration department,  so I went to the doctor he prescribed me 30mg it worked good enough for me to get everything I needed to get done in school. Finally after about two months in I noticed that it was losing its effect because at about 1-2p.m. it would wear off. Thats when I decided that one day that I would take double the dose to see what would happen. So I experimented to see I took 2 tablets totaling 60mg the whole day was practically high out of my mind felt like was on speed but felt so damn euphoric I went to class giggling & chuckling literally was the joker it was so bad that I almost talked my instructors ear off. From this point on it was literally and everyday thing for me pop 2 pills I could literally do anything I set my mind to do or at least that is what I thought. As a result I would run out all the time out of pills about 2 weeks before the due date for my next prescriptions.

 

 

This is when I really felt that I had an addiction that needed to addressed however at the time I couldn't afford to stop on a dime. So I played it out till the end of the  Fall semester, then told myself I would never take the pills again. Then the spring came it was my last semester before graduating I literally had only two friends at that point because I put everything in front of my social life while I was on the pill. At this time I could feel myself becoming this monster that only cared about himself because I noticed that I would get mad at the stupidest thing's, became very anti-social not only to friends but too family, started to become depressed. At that point in time I knew things had to change but I rationalized it was best to postpone till end of Spring due to the fact I couldn't afford my grades to take such drastic hit.  My class load also was became out of hand taking Acc, Calc, Bio, among others. I did make it through good but always felt that it would have been different if I never took the medication. 

 

 

I was going to in the transfer in fall that semester but didn't think that i could make it with all this abuse my body endured from all those years. Instead I opted to take 2 classes at another C.C. passed them both fairly easy since they were remedial computer classes. I was proud of myself since it was my first time in a while making it through a semester in college without speed. Throughout this time I became very health conscious drank a lot of water, exercised as much as I could until the end of the semester in late December. After it ended though I didn't do much but rest my body everyday during this time my body was tired all the time it felt like I literally was always sleeping. Even when i would go to bed it was not enough fast forward to now it has been about 9 months since I have been off from end of May till now which is about 9months. My body still feels like its recuperating, I sleep 10p.m. till about 11p.m.  sometimes even later till 2p.m., constantly feeling brain fog & forgetful off things even if I remind myself, depressed, unmotivated to do anything but useless things like stay on computer all day. Before getting on this medication from what I can remember my life was full of zest I had hobbies, goals, pleasures, memory was superb. 

 

 

Now I feel like a wondering zombie with no emotions, no purpose or drive. Even felt suicidal a couple of times however I can't too it simply because I feel like their are so many possibilities that await me. But for rite now currently I just feel dead walking but not totally alive, I live with my family all of them ask me all the time why do I sleep so much? Idk, what the hell to tell them most of the time fear telling them because I told my mother about it&  she told me its all in my head that I need counseling. On the positive note i do feel a little better each month but it seems like I should be well operating by now. My biggest fear though is that I will always be in this haze of life and in the twilight zone. 

 

 

I would love it if anybody could point me in the rite direction?  

[Zerokewl]

Welcome to this forum.  It is very common to sleep a lot in the first year of recovery.  I've been clean for 8 months, I haven't slept this much since I was toddler.  Also the depression is common too, your brain chemistry is recalibrating. You may want to do some research on how dopamine works and strategies for dealing with depression.   It sounds like you may be having a PAWS day (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms) this is pretty common.  My advice to you is to empower yourself with information and post here often. Welcome to the struggle!     

[Epiphany]

Welcome to this forum.  It is very common to sleep a lot in the first year of recovery.  I've been clean for 8 months, I haven't slept this much since I was toddler.  Also the depression is common too, your brain chemistry is recalibrating. You may want to do some research on how dopamine works and strategies for dealing with depression.   It sounds like you may be having a PAWS day (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms) this is pretty common.  My advice to you is to empower yourself with information and post here often. Welcome to the struggle!     

Thanks for the giving me some hope yeah I have been hard on myself for the most part. I just regret ever taking this medicine because of all these side effects its a living nightmare for me now. I hope you are correct about the PAWS, going to look in this though because for the last two months I have been sleeping a lot more than I was in the beginning. Do you recommend any supplements for this ?

[Zerokewl]

the sleep may be depression related.  The depression and Anhedonia (inability to feel joy) are issues every single member of this site struggle with in their first year.  I know for me the Depression was a motherfucker, so i went on Anti-D's. The anti-d's are not a magic bullet, and are part of a  overall depression strategy.  As well I adopted a kitten, which helped a lot   .   

 

The supplements I take are Vitamin D and Ginko Biablo.  **You should talk with your doctor about anti-d's.  

[Epiphany]

the sleep may be depression related.  The depression and Anhedonia (inability to feel joy) are issues every single member of this site struggle with in their first year.  I know for me the Depression was a motherfucker, so i went on Anti-D's. The anti-d's are not a magic bullet, and are part of a  overall depression strategy.  As well I adopted a kitten, which helped a lot   .   

 

The supplements I take are Vitamin D and Ginko Biablo.  **You should talk with your doctor about anti-d's.  

 

Haha thanks I have actually have been taking both Ginko, and Gota Kola, I don't want to go the anti-d's route though because I think it could in fact hinder my progress of my brain especially since its recovery mode. 

[Jon]

Epiphany,

 

I can chime in on needing so much sleep since I quit. It is part of the dues we owe. I know it feels terrible to have no energy, but you can create some energy by moving your body. I'm not the best example for this, but it is a proven fact, if you can muster getting started.

 

Nice screen name.

[Epiphany]

Epiphany,

 

I can chime in on needing so much sleep since I quit. It is part of the dues we owe. I know it feels terrible to have no energy, but if you can create some energy by moving your body. I'm not the best example for this, but it is a proven fact, if you can muster getting started.

 

Nice screen name.

Thanks I have been working out a little more since I am on break from school but want to eventually turn it up from 2 days a week into 4 days a week because when I do workout I feel more much capable, energetic, mentally more stable. It seems though when I don't it makes my day literally twice as hard. 

[SweetCarolinee]

Wow Epiphany, good for you for quitting while still in school. I quit 2 years after graduating. I will be 40 days clean tomorrow but I can relate with the sleeping thing. I've been sleeping 12 hours nightly and I've never slept this much in my life. Even before speed, I only slept 4-6hrs a night but I have been working out pretty hardcore 4-5 days a week. I think that has been helping so much - so definitely try to get more exercise in and maybe focusing more on diet! I don't want to sound like Mother Nature up in this bitch or anything but don't underestimate the power of eating clean and lots of fruits and veggies, protein, etc. Not so much refined sugar, craboridates, and processed BS. All of this has been really helping me so far and yoga, my new love. It's been hard and I have had a huge lack of focus and motivation to do certain things but I just make myself do it. I make myself go running or go to hot yoga and I don't think I even realize what I'm doing until 20minutes in but by that time, the endorphins are flowing and life is good.

As far as your old hobbies, you said you aren't interested in them anymore. Maybe make yourself be or try something new. Go outside of your comfort zone, it's good for you. Join some clubs or for fun sport teams at school. I was on a co-ed kickball league in Savannah, where I went to college and had a blast. Or take up learning how to play a new instrument or take up comic books or go volunteer at the doggie shelter. Life has so much to offer, don't let it pass you by.

Also, I suggest trying to have a different outlook - if you can. Try to look at things from a different angle. Instead of seeing what you don't have or have lost because of Adderall, try to focus on what you do have and what you are thankful for! That has been helping me a lot.

We are here for you if you need anything at all or if your bored, come talk to us!

[Epiphany]

Wow Epiphany, good for you for quitting while still in school. I quit 2 years after graduating. I will be 40 days clean tomorrow but I can relate with the sleeping thing. I've been sleeping 12 hours nightly and I've never slept this much in my life. Even before speed, I only slept 4-6hrs a night but I have been working out pretty hardcore 4-5 days a week. I think that has been helping so much - so definitely try to get more exercise in and maybe focusing more on diet! I don't want to sound like Mother Nature up in this bitch or anything but don't underestimate the power of eating clean and lots of fruits and veggies, protein, etc. Not so much refined sugar, craboridates, and processed BS. All of this has been really helping me so far and yoga, my new love. It's been hard and I have had a huge lack of focus and motivation to do certain things but I just make myself do it. I make myself go running or go to hot yoga and I don't think I even realize what I'm doing until 20minutes in but by that time, the endorphins are flowing and life is good.

As far as your old hobbies, you said you aren't interested in them anymore. Maybe make yourself be or try something new. Go outside of your comfort zone, it's good for you. Join some clubs or for fun sport teams at school. I was on a co-ed kickball league in Savannah, where I went to college and had a blast. Or take up learning how to play a new instrument or take up comic books or go volunteer at the doggie shelter. Life has so much to offer, don't let it pass you by.

Also, I suggest trying to have a different outlook - if you can. Try to look at things from a different angle. Instead of seeing what you don't have or have lost because of Adderall, try to focus on what you do have and what you are thankful for! That has been helping me a lot.

We are here for you if you need anything at all or if your bored, come talk to us!

 You are very much an inspiration for me quitting and I admire that. its been nothing put but hell since being in school because my memory seems like it really has taken the biggest hit out of everything in my body. I know from what you posted that you said veggies seem to work & I have been taking a lot of raw veggies as shakes every morning with Kale, Ginger, Celery, &Cucumber. I have been doing everything in my power to eat very clean cutting back on anything that isn't organic. On top of that I have tried to stay strictly on a vegan diet which I can say currently is about 70% of what my diet consists of on a constant basis. I work out as I go to the gym 3 days a week at least doing cardio on the treadmill for about 15- 20minutes then hitting the weights to work out my body. After that I usually hit the sauna for about 20 min. The sauna actually makes me feel really good and its suppose to remove & drain harmful chemicals in the body by pushing them out through the pores of the skin which results in sweat. 

 

I am also considering getting back to my roots & taking jit jitsu course hopefully I still can keep up used to do it when was 13 years old but quit due to not being serious enough. Also thinking of taking a yoga class, or even doing some isolation tanks I hear they are good for stress or anxiety  which seems to be in my life a lot nowadays.

 

You are rite its truly is an ongoing fight I shouldn't dwell on what was lost, I should be thankful for what I have and my future which could potentially be brighter off this horrible drug.  I have been doing everything possible to rid myself of any poison that could potentially cause ruckus in my body just more recent I had my silver fillings removed from my biological dentist because I was reading they consist of 50% mercury which shocked me at first. It  amazes me what these companies like big Pharma and the ADA can put out on the market without any consequences and how many corners they cut to save money   

[Luckyducky]

I just want to share after reading the above posts something my therapist told me that finally made since why I I am having such a hard time quitting. Also because prior to my addiction of pills 3 yrs 4mths ago at 43yrs old I barely even took an aspirin and had maybe a sip of champagne at a wedding every blue moon. He explained that

I now have opened a pathway in my brain from these pills that is now open for good so he said you now have to feed that pathway

With healthy endorphins because to keep it fed. He said I have to find a passion (something physical) no matter what it is dance, yoga, running, working out or whatever produces natural endorphins. He said I also have to have goals with it to keep focused. For some reason that's when the light bulb came on and I get it why I just can't go back to who I was whenever I get some clean time. I kept wanting/waiting to become the person I once was and now I know that will never be. So now I have accepted the fact that this pathway I have created is here to stay and I can make something new, amazing and exciting out of this painful experience.

[Luckyducky]

I just want to share after reading the above posts something my therapist told me that finally made since why I I am having such a hard time quitting. Also because prior to my addiction of pills 3 yrs 4mths ago at 43yrs old I barely even took an aspirin and had maybe a sip of champagne at a wedding every blue moon. He explained that

I now have opened a pathway in my brain from these pills that is now open for good so he said you now have to feed that pathway

With healthy endorphins because to keep it fed. He said I have to find a passion (something physical) no matter what it is dance, yoga, running, working out or whatever produces natural endorphins. He said I also have to have goals with it to keep focused. For some reason that's when the light bulb came on and I get it why I just can't go back to who I was whenever I get some clean time. I kept wanting/waiting to become the person I once was and now I know that will never be. So now I have accepted the fact that this pathway I have created is here to stay and I can make something new, amazing and exciting out of this painful experience.