Marissa Posted March 5, 2014 Report Share Posted March 5, 2014 I've thought about the ways Adderall has effected me a lot, and one of the things I keep returning to is my skewed sense of self. I was so young when I started that I often wonder where I would be, or who I would be, had I never started taking it. All I can remember is how much I liked to draw and how that feeling disappeared gradually over time. When I look back on my life I always wonder, was that really me or was that Adderall? I've arrived at a point where a truly don't know what I consider to be my "self". As much as I enjoy the person I am without it, there's still a vague feeling that I've been inexplicably altered, like I'm deficient in some way. Has anyone else felt like this? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted March 5, 2014 Report Share Posted March 5, 2014 yes, i felt like that all the time in the beginning of the quitting process. You werent yourself on adderall, you were somebody else. Now you get to find out who you really are. how long are u clean? or are u still taking it? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marissa Posted March 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2014 I'm still taking it (and hating every minute of it). I feel completely dependent on it to function in school. I've been on it for about 9 years consistently, taking it as "medication" for adhd, but by the end of high school I started to recognize this "Adderall self", this person that was robotic, anti-social, anxious, and unhappy. I tried to stop taking it in my first year of college and couldn't; I couldn't figure out how to function in school without it, I don't think I wanted to because I just felt so dumb. I equated "being a student" with "being on Adderall", and as I've become more aware of this dependency I've also become more unsure of myself. I'm in my last semester now, can't wait to say goodbye to school and adderall for good. I'm still really nervous though, I don't know what's ahead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted March 6, 2014 Report Share Posted March 6, 2014 its easy how that drug can make you reliant on it for school...but its part of the psychological addiction of the drug manifesting itself as you stay on it longer and longer. do you run out early? It took me a while to see how i am without adderall. I am more flexible in my thinking, im more observant of my surroundings where before i was really self absorbed into how i felt, which was usually paranoid or anxious and oblivious of my surroundings. i was often caught up in a whirlwind of excitement (like with boring stuff too) and thats not really the case anymore. Im just a level headed person now. Thank goodness. Those are some of the differences. You will learn a lot when you get off of it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marissa Posted March 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2014 I don't usually run out early, it depends. There are some points in my life that it got bad, and I can hardly remember any of it. It's hard to believe that all the paranoia, anxiety, obsessiveness, and pain can be so overwhelming and real, but at the same time, chemical. How long did it take you to feel level-headed? I was sober for a bit, and felt ecstatic most of the time. When I had a bad day though, woke up sad, I was searching for a concrete reason because I was so used to thinking "oh this must be the Adderall, etc". When a friend told me that's just what happens, that people have bad days, it felt like I was experiencing real sadness for the first time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted March 6, 2014 Report Share Posted March 6, 2014 I don't usually run out early, it depends. There are some points in my life that it got bad, and I can hardly remember any of it. It's hard to believe that all the paranoia, anxiety, obsessiveness, and pain can be so overwhelming and real, but at the same time, chemical. How long did it take you to feel level-headed? I was sober for a bit, and felt ecstatic most of the time. When I had a bad day though, woke up sad, I was searching for a concrete reason because I was so used to thinking "oh this must be the Adderall, etc". When a friend told me that's just what happens, that people have bad days, it felt like I was experiencing real sadness for the first time. It took me a year or so to feel like i had leveled out and really just get comfortable doing things without a pill. I think being in my 30s instead of my 20s made things harder because my body wasn't as resilient. I took adderall for 5 years starting at age 26. How long were you sober? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marissa Posted March 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2014 I've taken month long breaks from Adderall, and was off of it for most of a year one time (took it every now and then though). The time that I was referring to was only 5 days, but 5 days completely sober, no substances besides cigarettes and coffee. It was bad for the first two days (withdrawl?) and then I woke up feeling like a completely new person. Adderall has definitely contributed to the way I use other substances... partially to cope I guess. I noticed other people on the forums had the same problem. Hoping it will get easier once I stop taking this drug. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GDTRFB Posted March 11, 2014 Report Share Posted March 11, 2014 I have no idea who I am anymore. Too many meds - 10mg of Lexapro - 8mg of Suboxone - Benzo's of varying amounts and a few tokes of some indica to "feel okay at night" Too many life changes - Divorce, unemployment, moving from NYC to San Francisco with my boyfriend, getting a puppy...and those are just the things I can think of that have happened in the past two years. I'm 6 days free of Adderall today and I'm not sure about anything... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marissa Posted March 12, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2014 Sounds like a lot to deal with... and in 2 years? I can't even imagine. Congratulations on almost a week adderall free though! It's weird living in a sort of chemical haze... a cycle... it complicates everything so much. And getting out of it too, must be just as difficult and confusing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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