I feel like no one seems to understand

[Marissa]

I've been trying to understand this growing sense of shame that I feel when I think about taking Adderall. I used to think of it like a daily vitamin, a medication, something that doctors told me I actually "needed" because I had a diagnosed disorder. When I got to college and people referred to it as "speed" I always got defensive. It was my medication, not a drug. But as I've learned more about it and realized that it seemed to help most people focus, regardless of a diagnosis, its role completely changed. I even stopped calling it "my medication". I started referring to it as just Adderall, and now most of the time I just call it speed. 

 

At the same time I've become more ashamed of taking it. I don't want my teachers to know, I don't want most people to know, even though I could easily say "I have adhd" and be justified, even though it comes in a bottle with my name on it. Every doctor I've encountered treats Adderall as if it were all black and white: here's a medical problem, here's a medical solution, no question about it. But I see my dependency, and I can never think of adderall or adhd the same way again. I feel like I was lied to or tricked. Was there ever an exit plan? Was it supposed to help me over time?

 

It seems like no one truly understands Adderall (besides you folks). It seems like medications have evolved in ways that no one really acknowledges unless its in regards to "abuse", which is never really defined, but always stigmatized. And I find it bizarre that reaching out to a medical professional, or a psychiatrist, the very types of people that gave me this stuff, would feel pointless and isolating. Just some thoughts I've been having, wondering if anyone else has thought about it too. 

[quit-once]

You have raised three very good points which I would like to respond to.

Back in the day when I first discovered stimulants (the '80's), we called it speed.  A generic term for all kinds of pills that made you go.  When I met my first addy buddy, he was abhored when I called it speed.  Adderall wasn't speed, meth was , and we were certainly not like those low-life meth heads.  Or speed was something that went into a speed ball or a speed bump, but it sure wasn't adderall.   Well....after I quit and started hanging around here, that term re-surfaced and now I refer to all stimulant pills as speed, again.  It was like some kind of weird form of denial. 

 

Secondly, I believe you have good reason to keep it under your hat that you use adderall.  This may sound harsh, but I believe that using adderall for academic gain is no different than using steroids for athletic gain.  But the legality and mainstream use of adderall mades it more acceptable and conveniently helps to justify its use for the addict. 

I used to believe that it "calmed down" the ADHD person who truly needed it.  Now I know that it stimulates everybody, but differently, depending on their dosages.

 

"Was there ever an exit plan?"  Great question.  I always knew that I would eventually need to quit.  But I thought there would be a very concise and medically directed exit plan.  In fact, that is one of the falacy reasons I got a prescription, because I thought when the time came to quit there would a clear path away from the speed.  Nope.  My doctor was of no help whatsoever when I told him I wanted to quit.  I had to formulate my own plan to quit with the knowledge I gained from this great web-site.  So instead of "reaching out to a medical professional" I reached out to my fellow adderall addicts and they have provided the help and support I needed to quit successfully, and I only had to quit once.

[LILTEX41]

I AM SO MAD!!  I just wrote a really long response and erased it on accident.

 

Just wondering.do you abuse it or take it as prescribed?

[LILTEX41]

AWESOME Occasional!!  That was so inspirational and touching.  Love it!

[Marissa]

lil tex, Isorry to hear that, I hate when that happens. I take it as prescribed but I'm not really sure if that means anything anymore because I also think my doctor was completely oblivious and put me on too much to start with. Last year I "abused" it in the sense that I was taking it multiple times a day, different forms, different ways etc. I was a wreck and couldn't stop because I was in a weird cycle of not sleeping, drinking to sleep, taking speed to make up for the hangover, drinking to sleep, etc. When I finally finished the school year I got a horrible fever the minute I stopped taking it. So now I never want to get back to that point in my life, so I take it once a day, but I still am "dependent" on it. 

 

Quit-once, I think that's really interesting that you sought medical help specifically for an exit plan. It's no surprise to me that the doctor wasn't of any help. I developed a general mistrust of most professionals (especially medical ones) because of how unhelpful and detached they are. I even told my doctor at some point that I was experiencing heart palpitations, and he payed no mind, kept prescribing it regardless. 

 

I also totally get the whole "low life speed" feeling. I feel like the status of these pills as "medications" make them seem cleaner, or more acceptable in a weird way. They're still addictive and harmful though. And no one tells you that until you realize it yourself, when it feels "too late". This website is amazing to me. So many stories resonate, there is definitely a shared understanding here that I haven't seen anywhere else. 

[Frank B]

I think quit once had a good point you feel ashamed like your cheating compared to a steroid user in baseball. But you gotta also account just because someone loads up on steroids it won't make you Hit home runs like Mark McGwire but in the same wait it steroids enhanced his career adderall does do the same for you In whatever your doing in life. A note on addy and baseball last year I recall a couple players getting suspended for taking it even with a script I believe they were pitchers which defiantly would give them a advantage if you played outfield be to bored on addy just sit around chewing tobacco.

I do not think it addy made me smarter my god I have poor grammar on or off the pills if you read my posts not hard to see. But it did take my abilities to be more creative and figure out complex problems better because I craved perfection. So do I shout from the hills yes this drug helped me do all I did when on them ? Not by a long shot but I'm not really ashamed either, I was only ashamed that before I stopped addy working was all I cared about but it was working on self indulged projects that may or may not pay themselves back in the future hard to tell. I kinda see from reading a lot two types of abusers are on here one the daily users that were prescribed high doses then people who just hit it rock star hard like people on the intervention shows. I can't say ones better or worse its a upper no matter how you look at it. I recall a site with history on amphetamines that in the 1950s ..." Still marketed to treat obesity, narcolepsy and sinus inflammation, "pep pills" or "bennies" are sold for non-medical purposes. Some truckers, homemakers, college students and athletes pop pills to stay awake or keep active."

So if it makes you feel better your grandparents probably took them also so don't be ashamed. I feel real deep shame is reserved for doing others purposeful harm. But I have real anger and frustration that I can't snap out of this 1 month plus depression. This sites really my last resort before giving up and taking a pill so do keep on here people understand and try to help.

[quit-once]

 

Quit-once, I think that's really interesting that you sought medical help specifically for an exit plan. It's no surprise to me that the doctor wasn't of any help. I developed a general mistrust of most professionals (especially medical ones) because of how unhelpful and detached they are. I even told my doctor at some point that I was experiencing heart palpitations, and he payed no mind, kept prescribing it regardless.  

Well, to be honest, the main reason I sought a medical professional was to get a steady supply of Adderall.  I justified the doctor relationship by thinking it would be good to have a physician "just in case....." but I also truly believed there was an easy medically proven way to kick the amphetamine addiction when the time came.  You know, like taking the pill Chantix to quit smoking.  My doctor was pretty conservative with his prescription pad, and he only upped my dosage once and that was from 10 to 20 mg per day.  I was buying the other 100 or so mg daily from my dealer.  I haven't really been back to this doctor for treatment or drugs since quitting but I probably would see him if I got sick or something....   ...there really are not very many general doctors in my town.