Popular Post lissafae6 Posted March 15, 2014 Popular Post Report Share Posted March 15, 2014 I started out a recreational user. Something fun, it'll help you stay up all night, your house will never be so clean! "I've never tried it before, I'm not much of a pill taker, what will adderall do to me? I'm kind of nervous." One night I fell down the rabbit hole and was so happy that I had. I couldn't believe how great I felt. I was happy, energetic, motivated, it was a side of me I thought I'd lost. I don't think it took long for me to think "this stuff is for me". My boyfriend has his own script, and he was often generous with his pills. I noted several occasions he offered free hand outs without regret, seeing as he rarely used them for himself I guess 'sharing is caring'. It amazed me how excited people were with his willingness to simply give away his pills. Although I'd spent numerous amounts of time surrounded by addicts in my own special pot haze, I was still a toddler fumbling around curious about this vast dark world. While I am quite impulsive, I do not readily give my trust. In order for me to try something new, I must be able to trust that you are telling me truth. I must believe that this will not kill me (I'm impulsive, not stupid). I trusted that my boyfriend loved me, and would not readily allow me to try something he believed would be harmful to me. Perhaps he didn't know me well enough at the time to foresee the risk or perhaps it was something new for him as well to put such trust in me. He opened up his bottle to me exclusively to take as I chose or when I see fit. (What could go wrong?) This period of time is a bit of a blur to me. My relationships are not known for their steady give and take, as I am (if it was yet accepted in the DSM) textbook Co-Dependant. This causes me to choose men that are generally on the Narcissitic side of the spectrum. Bottom line, my issues are constant. Whether or not I am the only one able to perceive this. I began taking pills regularly, which my boyfriend believed was a good thing. He saw a dramatic improvement in me and we began to suspect I could be the type of person that really benefits from adderall. Suddenly, my moods began to swing (as is not unusual for me). My boyfriend chose to blame the pills and insisted I stopped taking them immediately. I do not recall this being very difficult, I'm not sure why. It may be this wasn't long after I started taking them regularly. However, my boyfriend seemed to find me more difficult to be around AFTER I stopped taking them, and insisted that I begin taking them regularly again. I recall being asked daily for a period of time if I HAD taken them that day. I no longer remember how long I was taking them regularly. In the meantime, I became pregnant. It was a clear choice that I would stop taking anything at all that could be harmful to our unborn child. I stopped taking adderall, began to quit smoking, and cut back on my caffiene. Easy, right? After our beautiful girl was born, I nursed her for 5 months. It had been over a year now since I had touched adderall. I decided to quit breast-feeding as it was proving difficult to keep up once I went back to my job as a hair-stylist. A couple of days later I began taking adderall again, in a way to re-assert my ability to be independant of my new little budle. Mothers can generally understand this important step in their lives. Freedom to drink, smoke, and take pills without concern of it filtering through your body and be given directly to your baby (trust me fellas, it's a lot of stress to take off your shoulders...litterally). I believe this is where my true addiction started. This is when I began getting more reckless when it came to how often, how much, and how many pills I was taking. I believe the stress of being a new mom, the stress of my relationship, and the stress of my job were contributors..but I really stopped caring. This drug felt like it was heaven sent and I didn't want to lose it. My boyfriend noticed the changes and demanded that I stopped. I was not to touch his pills again. So again, I quit. But I couldn't totally give it up, which meant I began stealing pills here and there. Eventually he noticed, and this left a huge weight of shame and guilt on my shoulders. Right around this time came our annual end of April camping trip. This is an event where he is surrounded by old college friends, and an event that he is well known for his adderall contribution to the party. I discussed it with him prior to the event, and he told me this was the type of event that getting fucked up and having fun was the point, so I was also welcome to partake. Clearly I couldn't just leave this ability to partake alone, and I was right back to stealing pills long after the camping trip. Again, he noticed. Again, I quit. As much as I've always wanted to blame my addiction on him, I know I have no one to blame but myself. I decided it was time I seek some counseling. It went well, and in the meantime I visited a doctor for my depression. I hated every depression pill I tried, all of them seemed to make me feel worse. I began to revisit the hope that adderall was a drug that really did work for me, and that the problem was I was self diagnosed ADD and shouldn't be relying on my boyfriend to be my doctor and pharmacist. I suggested this to my counselor, which led to interviewing my family and my boyfriend. All answers pointed straight to ADD. Which meant I no longer believed it was "all in my head" (so to speak, ha). I was able to take this diagnosis straight to my doctor. As if all this hadn't been confusing enough, once I had the clear diagnosis, my boyfriend re-opened his pill bottle to me. I was hesitant of his intentions, but I'm an addict. At first my doctor gave me a script for a low dose of ritalin. You see, I am poor and uninsured, and this is a less expensive option. I gave it a shot, I figured it had to be better than the shitty depression pills I'd been on. It didn't do much for me at all. I finished out the script and went back to adderall on the side. My follow up appointment, I let the doctor know it wasn't for me. She switched me to adderall. It has been four months since that day, and I have dramatically increased my dose without doctor's recommendations. My boyfriend knows, and now it's time to make a change. Trouble is.... It's been 7 days, and I don't know if I can do it. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
777 Posted March 15, 2014 Report Share Posted March 15, 2014 I think most of us can relate to this cycle of adderall hell. You quit, say you'll never do it again, but then shamefully when the pills are available you take them. We all have our own reasons and justifications for telling ourselves we need them. The important thing is that you truly want help and that is the hardest thing for most addicts to admit or seek out. For me I had to recognize what adderall was doing to me and it what it was making me do. You said you would steal your boyfriends pills. Is that something you would normally do or was it only under the haze of adderall that you did it? I look back at how desperate I was to get this drug because I couldn't let it go. I couldn't let go of how invinisible it made me feel. But then the crashes afterwards were monstrous. All those up and downs up and downs. You shouldn't want to quit for your boyfriend or even for your child. You have to find your own reasons to quit. You have to hate the drug so much and what it does to you and be defiant against it. It's a fight. It's a battle. But you can win. It doesn't help that your boyfriend has a script and is offering you pills. If he were serious about helping you he would never offer them to you and/or consider getting rid of his script altogether. You were a full entire person, capable of happiness and motivation and success before this drug entered your life. There is hope that you can absolutely attain that same sense of yourself once again. You said you are on day 7? Try the 30 day challenge. It gets immensely easier after 30 days, or so I hear. I am on day 15 and sure I still want it, but I refuse to give in. Drug addiction = mind control. You can do this!! Look at all of the people on this forum who have made it. Think about the people who have taken it their entire lives. You can do this! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post LILTEX41 Posted March 16, 2014 Popular Post Report Share Posted March 16, 2014 Hi Lisa, I think a Cost Benefit Analysis would be really helpful. I have one I look at all the time to remind me of why I don't want to ever go back on it and what I want to achieve by being off it. It's way more in depth than this one, but I wanted to do an example one to show you what it looks like. Maybe others can pitch in and help fill this out as well. Looks like this: Advantages/Disadvantages - of taking Adderall Advantages/Disadvantages - of quitting Adderall TAKING ADDERALL Advantages Love the feeling of euphoria after 40 mins when it first kicks in Love the motivation it gives me to do all the tasks I dread Love how it makes food unappetizing and the weight loss side effect Disadvantages INSOMNIA Makes me crave cigarettes (chain smoking) Binge drinking Paranoia Total loss of freedom Withdrawal Running out early and being lethargic for days at a time (passing out at work) Feeling totally incompetent and dysfunctional without it Feeling panicked to find it when running out early Driving all over town to get it Paranoia at the doctor's office whenever we talk about it (always freaked out they must know I'm an addict) Paranoia around friends and family as they see something is wrong with me and having to hide it (Guilt/Shame) Isolation Fingers and toes always being numb Hair loss The most unhealthy 5 years of my life (always at the doctor, but Adderall is always the cause of whatever ailment) Hypochondria Blowing tons of $ (Binge Shopping on Adderall + Binge Drinking + Binge Smoking) Putting myself in dangerous situations with shady people Turning to other drugs when Adderall runs out No clue what I'm truly passionate about QUITTING ADDERALL Advantages Regain Sanity Freedom from drug abuse No more worrying about it all the time (what if they take it off the market, will I be on this forever, what if I can't quit, what if I need more and more to achieve the same effect - will I just keep upping my dose for the rest of my life, what if people found out who I was without it, would I be able to function, what will I do if my insurance no longer covers it, on and on and on) Save $ Get health back (quit smoking, start exercising, etc.) Feel the sense of genuine accomplishment from achieving goals knowing I did it on my own without a pill No more shame/guilt Self Respect Help Others Good relationships with family and friends based on honesty (no more lying/hiding) Disadvantages Quitting is hard Will miss the euphoria Will miss getting easy tasks done with what feels like no effort No more miracle weight loss drug 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted March 16, 2014 Report Share Posted March 16, 2014 This thread about the physical side effects is good relapse prevention. http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/1764-has-adderall-affected-your-physical-health/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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