1st step of my Thousand Mile Journey

[MadHatter]

My story is probably very familiar to alot of others on this site but I think it has some unique aspects. I'll start at the beginning....

 

I was a freshman in college and struggling with some very important (to me) aspects of my life.I have always been a big guy but managed to keep my weight in check through sports, mainly football, which at my high school meant a year round sport with weight training and cardio. At college, I trained super hard in an attempt to try out for my college football team. Of course, I didn't make the team. I had no shame in that because this was a Division I program that also went undefeated that year so there was alot of competitive talent. I figured "oh well, at least I'm still at the school I want to be at" and I have always prided myself on my academics. Except, suddenly I was struggling beyond belief. I had always excelled in high school but my public school education was a joke and required little effort to do well. This resulted in very poor study habits and the next thing I know i'm struggling in all subjects including my "Music Appreciation" class that was suppose to be a GPA booster. In addition, my diet became terrible and I ballooned 30+ lbs. Needless to say, my romantic life at this point was non-existent. So there I am, a 6'3 275lb pile of worthless failure.

 

Then something happened....after a very painful rejection from a girl that I really cared about, I decided it was time to take back control. Time to stop blaming everyone and everything else for my problems. Nobody made me eat like crap, nobody stopped me from exercising, nobody kept me from studying, and no one took my self confidence. Suddenly, I had this incredible drive to improve myself. (Keep in mind this is before I even heard of Adderall). I was determined that I was going to mold myself into the person I wanted to be with nothing more than the sheer force of an iron will.

 

For months, I dedicated myself to working out, eating right, and studying my ass off. I also found my one true love...running. My life did a 180 degree turn. Not only did my grades improve, but I dropped 80lbs. I was now a 6'3 193lb pile of success. My confidence was back, my romantic life was flourishing, and there was no stopping me. (or so i thought)

 

Midway through my sophomore year, I found that I was still struggling to pay attention in class, and could barely hold my eyes open for 8am lectures. Classes were getting harder and I felt like I was having to study double outside of class to make up for the stuff I was missing in class. 

 

(Enter the friend who is prescribed adderall and wants to help me with studying for an exam)

 

The rest is history. Fell in love, acquired my own prescription, and the tolerance began to build. Once used strictly for classes during the week, became an everyday thing, then an all day everyday habit for 8 long years. I was up to 105mg/day consistently for 4-5 years

 

Here's the weird thing, I lost my motivation to exercise and eat right. Then over the course of a few years, my weight ballooned back to my original weight then kept going to an insane 315lbs. This happened while I was still taking adderall all day every day. This absolutely crushed me. I felt like I became merely a shell of my former self. (a rather large shell at that).

 

I have decided that this is not where my story is going to end. For the past month, I have been trying to get back into running. I've lost 15lbs so far and eating healthier than I have in my life. I owe alot of my inspiration to my girlfriend of 2 years. I love her dearly and I plan to propose in the coming months but I want to be completely clean from this pill before I do it.

 

I told her about my problem a couple weeks ago. She knew i was prescribed it but I always downplayed it as a minor thing. I came clean to her about abusing it and having to buy extra when my prescriptions would run out.

 

I came to this site and read "the challenge" and it has truly inspired me to change my life and get rid of this crap once and for all.  I want my new life with her to be pure from the start. I want the old me back, with all of the natural drive I once had.

 

So, this is where I am at. I currently have a  workout routine 5 days a week and my diet is excellent. I also have a full-time job M-F. Over the past week and a half I have lowered my dosage from 105mg/day to 45mg/day and now down to 30mg per day. My plan is to go completely off by Friday so that I have a 3 day weekend to crash and hopefully be able to drag myself out of bed Tuesday morning for work. I have been through withdrawals cold-turkey before between refills so I do have some idea of what I'm in for. I haven't tried any supplements before so I bought some l-tyrosine and b complex to try and help during the early withdrawal period.

 

I'm so desperate to be free of this stuff and praying for the strength.

 

 

I appreciate any advice or encouraging words that anyone has to offer. Thanks for reading my story.

[JustinW]

Well, you definitely have the willpower to do this; look at all the great things that you accomplished without drugs!  You have success within your reach and have so many positive things going for you.  Congratulations on deciding to kick these horrible pills.  Please stick around and consider joining the 30 day challenge once you are completely off the meds.  Fish oil is the only supplement that I have had any luck with in regards to ADHD symptoms, maybe you could add that to your regimen too.

[GDTRFB]

MadHatter, I am really inspired by your strength and accomplishments.

We're here for you! I mean that very seriously.

Read as much as you can on this site and keep us posted on what's going on with you.

You can do this!

[MadHatter]

Thank you so much for the support. Honestly I am really scared right now. Adderall has been such a big part of my life for the past 8 years that I have almost forgotten how to function without it but I know it has to go. As I was typing my story, I felt like it was just yesterday that I started this addiction and was nearly in tears when I realized that it has taken 8 years from me in the blink of an eye. It has cut a path of destruction through my personal relationships beyond repair. So many good friends, romantic relationships, and loved ones now gone from my life because I just wanted to be left alone to get high and work on some mundane and meaningless task that meant absolutely nothing. The price I have paid for that stupid pill is almost more than I can bear. I'm so ashamed....

[Zerokewl]

Your story is very similar to mine. I had finally put some things in my past, quit smoking, lost weight was really getting into fitness. I was becoming the person I wanted to be. Figured I needed an edge started taking adderall my entire life went boom and  I totally lost control of my life.

 

Now I'm rebuilding and reinventing myself. I live with that stinging shame too. Worried I wasted my life and blown every chance. Friends return, people forgive and you meet new people.  Recovery is about putting that shame in the past and learning to be future focused. Its a difficult road at times, but its a whole lot easier than the road you are on.  

 

Try to imagine yourself if another 8 years passes on Adderall. Pretty fucking grim right? The first step is all about making a promise to yourself. It may be a promise you've broken a million times before. But this time it is different. Why? Because you are taking charge again.  

 

Today  I'm,going to attend my first bootcamp (intense exercise regimen not actual boot-camp) since I quit Adderall.  Boot camp is in a few hours..I'm going to listen to this song on reapeat for the remainder of the day.  Its is a journey of a thousand steps but we are here to support and be supported.

 

 

 

[GDTRFB]

You will find that fortunately and unfortunately that I (we) know exactly how you feel. I was just thinking about my previous job and how I would look forward to seeing my friends when I got to work and walking to Starbuck's with them every morning. I couldn't wait for our lunch time silliness and walks around NYC. I had such a great group of friends at my office. I cherished their friendship as it's a lot more difficult to make new friends in your thirties.... I digress.

 

My point is that I loved my job, friends and talked to everyone...and then I got way into my adderall addiction and completely isolated myself from everyone, so I could make my spreadsheets prettier and organize my to do lists...

 

I divorced my husband, who is a very good man. I stopped talking to my parents and nieces.  When I did go home for a visit, I spent half the time sleeping and the other half in my childhood bedroom playing games on my iPad. My parents cried when they took me to the airport at Christmas.

 

Adderall took so much from me. 

 

When I quit 78 days ago, I had no idea who I was anymore.  I forgot what I liked and disliked. I forgot about my values, friends, everything.. Most importantly, I forgot what an amazing and funny person I am.

 

I am now living 3,000 miles away from my family and friends. I moved to San Francisco last July, and am still not working, because I do not have the energy, or self discipline to be able to hold down a job.  Especially, a job in my field. I'm thinking about trying to get a part time gig at the Apple store as a starter job, but I still have a lot of work to do to even get to that point.

 

So, believe me I know how you feel, MadHatter.

 

It's not an easy journey, but it gets better.

[Zerokewl]

 

My point is that I loved my job, friends and talked to everyone...and then I got way into my adderall addiction and completely isolated myself from everyone, so I could make my spreadsheets prettier and organize my to do lists...

 

 

Whats the deal with Adderall and spreadsheets. I spent hours fucking around with conditional formatting and if else statements

[GDTRFB]

Ha Ha! I loved messing around with the if else statements. So bizarre. Conditional formatting was a huge part of my life. 

 

I could frame some of my old spreadsheets to represent my exciting life on speed.

 

So happy to not care about that shit anymore.

 

Good luck with your boot camp today, ZK. Let us know how it goes.

 

I'd like to try something like that. I've been thinking about joining Crunch and getting a personal trainer.

[Zerokewl]

bootcamp done D+. Early in my recovery I realized something:  I lost my job because of Adderall, but I took Adderall because of my job.

[MadHatter]

Congrats on your first bootcamp! I'm more of a solo exerciser myself but did a "Body pump" class once and almost died lol.

 

 

I appreciate the encouragement. You guys' words give me strength and I look forward to posting in the 30 day challenge starting Friday. 

[SweetCarolinee]

MadHatter,

 

(Please forgive the length and how all over the place this post is)

As everyone has stated, your story is very similar (yet still very different) at the same time as all of ours and we all have one great key thing in common: quitting and staying off Adderall!

As ZeroKewl said, we are here to support and be supported! This is a pretty awesome community, if I do say so myself, with great resources and people on here. I call them my "Adderall Family" or should I say Anti-Adderall family? I find this site truly a God sent because before I found this site, the week of new years (almost 5-months-ago), I didn't think I had the power to EVER get off Adderall. I honestly thought I would be a 85 year old woman still poppin' pills at the old folks home… if I even made it to that age and probably not if I was still using.

From your story, you are clearly a very smart, successful guy and you have been threw a lot and it sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders. You have accomplished a lot, on and off Adderall. You are a fighter, a warrior and now you met your next match, quitting Adderall for good. You have the power within you, it's up to you and your in control, not that shitty little orange pill. It definitely does put a spell on ya throw. Quitting Adderall is definitely one of the best decisions I have ever made. Yes, it's been hard and has sucked at times (the weight gain and tiredness), it isn't a walk in the park but overall I am feeling so much better. Like my old silly and happy self. With the help of coffee and exercise, I feel I can rule the world again lol or at least, the day.

I was on Adderall and ADHD meds for 7 years and I will be 5 months clean in 6 days, if I can do it, you sure can!

Definitely read as many of the articles on here as you can. Ask questions. Stay awhile, we welcome you with opened arms! Get prepared for what your in for the next few months. Completely cut off your supply (from the doctors and/or friends, drug dealers, etc.) and tell those your closest with, what your doing so they can be supportive and there for you during this rough time.

When you think of Adderall, remember all the negative things, times from it… I definitely try to associate it with only negative things, times, experiences etc. That helps me a lot with not wanting to take it ever again. Also my anxiety, depression and drinking are way lower than they used to be while on Adderall, which is great. I have such a clearer mind now and I'm starting to feel hopeful and excited about life again! And no more awful headaches and dark bags under my eyes. With tiredness, B-12 and coffee have really been helping me

Goodluck my friend, you got this. You can do it!

 

---

 

ps, ZeroKewl and GDTRFB: I was never a spread sheet gal, I was at art/design school... I would spend my cracked out nights making/doing art and paintings in my studio, while eating nothing and taking lots of shots of tequila and listening to blasting music. The great thing is I can still do this, just minus the cracked out and Adderall part!

[Zerokewl]

Canadian hockey wisdom eh

 

[MadHatter]

Day 1 

 

Tough getting out of bed this morning but I think regulating my sleep to 8-9 hours the past couple of weeks in addition to weaning has helped cushion the crash significantly. I've also been eating alot healthier. I took 500mg of tyrosine along with b-complex on an empty stomach this morning. So far, the fatigue isn't nearly as bad as I remember but I'll know for sure over the coming days/weeks if any of this has really helped with the withdrawal symptoms. I plan to come back and give updates as frequently as possible.

 

Stay tuned...

[MadHatter]

Day 6

 

 

Struggling to slog through the workdays but hanging in there. Withdrawals aren't as excruciating as they have been in the past but i'm going to credit that to diet, exercise, and vitamin supplements. Definitely makes a BIG difference. However I still seem to spend alot of the day feeling generally uncomfortable with a few moments where I feel okay. Sleep has been erratic. Some nights I'm ready to pass out by 9pm and other nights I toss and turn for hours trying to go to sleep. I'm going to add melatonin to my regimen and see if it helps regulate my sleep at all.. 

 

 

I've still been able to manage to run 3 miles a day which makes me feel better for a few hours, so I guess the fact that I haven't completely lost my motivation to exercise is a bright spot in all this.

 

 

Until next time...

[JustinW]

Melatonin is a great idea to help with sleep.  I'm impressed that you are able to run, good work!

[MadHatter]

Day 25

 

Feeling positive because I have been off the pills for this long. I have been able to maintain a rigorous exercise regimen and eating super healthy. I really believe that this, in combination with vitamin supplements, has made all the difference in regards to minimizing the crash.My energy levels are just below baseline but after an 8yr all day/everyday adderall habit, I'd say I'm doing pretty damn well. I'm even getting that natural runner's high again.

 

The only negatives that I have are random insomnia and intermittent drug cravings. The insomnia is not bad and melatonin seems to be helping but about once or twice a week i have a hell of a time getting to sleep. As far as the adderall cravings, they come and go but the trick is just getting my mind off of it and letting the feeling pass. Another downside to dosing myself all day long with adderall is that I have, unfortunately, created a lot of triggers. The good thing is that every time I resist a craving, I feel like I'm breaking that bad neural pathway and building another, stronger pathway. 

 

One last thing, I can't leave out ....My girlfriend. She's been super supportive and a big part of my recovery. From putting up with my grumpy ass moods, to helping me around the house, to providing support the whole way, she has been amazing and I'm truly fortunate to have her.

 

 

Until next time...Mind Over Matter!

 

 

-MH