Here I am...again

[Evie25]

So after all the energy invested in quitting this hellish drug, I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't so bad and that I'm more productive at work with it. I was doing so well, 8 months off it. Yet I kept thinking back to the mental clarity I initially felt on it.

 

Of course, several months later, here I am again. Tweaked out, overly intense, paranoid. Ruining relationships with others, lost and uncertain of who I am.

 

I flushed them down the toilet today, but the thought of going through the entire quitting process again is exhausting. Last time I quit, I felt power from not telling my psychiatrist about the addiction and ripping the prescriptions up. Which, in hindsight, was a way for me to not totally commit to never taking it again.

 

I MUST stop for good this time and remember how bad this drug really is. How you start taking it feeling energized and on top of the world, and then how it slowly eats away at you, stealing your soul bit by bit.

 

So discouraged and so tired. And so disappointed in myself for letting this happen again.

[Zerokewl]

Welcome back. are you really more productive on adderall. I found after much contemplation and time that I only thought I was more productive on adderall. I spent hours on excel spreadsheets that did not matter and even more time doing useless busy work. Work hard not smart is my new mantra.

[Evie25]

I feel initially I am, but that could be more in my head than reality. Like you, ultimately I find that I spend copious amounts of time on tasks that don't really matter, obsessing over minute details. I also find that I take forever to get things done, because I'm so intent on producing something "perfect." 

 

Totally agree with you about the useless busy work.

[Greg]

Welcome back evie, keep in mind that When you are dependent on it you are not only using it's as a false performance enhance but chemically your brain begins to feels uncomfortable unless it has it. So you are entering into that territory. So good for you for flushing the pills and just keep remind yourself how bad it is.

[JustinW]

Make sure that you don't beat yourself up too much; you don't want to enter a shame spiral.  Did you make a list of your reasons to quit the first time?  If not, it can be a lifesaver on those tough days.

[Jimmy Ray]

I've been relapsing every few months for almost 4 years. Addie's cost me my teaching career and the inability to get back on my feet drives me back to the very thing that caused it. I'm doing another day one deal today bc I just came off a 7 day binge until I could no longer stand up. All for that feeling that I can't back anyway. I've picked up the NA basic text and joined a group. My DOC was Adderall and OxyContin but I am addicted to many things including alcohol. That funk with no adderall combined with nausea from opiate WD and needing a drink makes for a rough day one.

[Zerokewl]

All I can recommend is Netflix and a long nap. Day 1 is hard but easy enough to get over lean on your NA group as much as possible.

[betterreadthandead]

When I first started reading this forum a year ago, I noticed a certain closed mindedness to the support offered by NA.  In spite of this impression, and after a failed attempt at quitting without the NA fellowship's support after 20-ish days, I went to my first meeting.  I hated how much identification I felt in those rooms.  My ego wouldn't allow me to believe that I was a drug addict.  Problem was, I couldn't dispute the evidence of sharing many of the same feelings and experiences as other NA members.  I write this to say this:  I'm thrilled to see that there is more conversation on this same forum beginning to be open to the support offered through the NA fellowship.  It's many things which will help us stay off of Adderall.  There's no magic bullet.  No one thing that will prevent us from relapsing.  So, it's encouraging to see members of this forum being open to all facets of support.

[Greg]

I do see what you are saying, but I really don't think there was a close mindedness about NA at all. I think there are people here not that familiar with NA but were able to do it without NA. I think it's great that you have found a connection to NA. It is another method to get clean and you should continue to go if you feel it is working. In my NA meetings I didn't find people who could specifically relate to adderall (like there were no conversations about dopamine depletion) but there was a very common connection among all drug users across many lines especially the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome.

[Zerokewl]

I don't think we are at all closed to the idea of NA or SMART. Many of our members participate in NA & Smart meetings. No one understands an Addrall addict like another Adderall fiend. Our group discusses the very specific issues facing adderall addicts in recovery. I think the larger concepts of NA work there way into the general theme of the group.

Early on I attended a NA meeting and a few SMART meetings. I found them helpful but QA will always be my home base for Recovery.

[JustinW]

I would say that the prejudice was towards 12 step programs in general but I think that you have to do what works for you.

[ashley6]

Evie,

I'm glad you came back to us, even if it was to share that you've been using. Have you made the choice to tell your doctor you're an adderall addict, so (hopefully) he or she won't prescribe you adderall? For me personally, I knew deep down when I was ready to give quitting like a

half-assed shot, and when I was truly ready to quit. The difference in the two was a year or so, and as you know, quitting is a beast (even when I desperately wanted it). Do you feel ready to make the leap? I have faith that you can do it.....take note of how you feel- all of the negatives of adderall that you listed (as someone else said). It's too easy to forget. I often get reminders here on this site....just another reason it's a Godsend. You can quit if that's what you decide you want, and we're here rooting for you!