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chronic relapser


addylife

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I am the first generation of children on stimulants. I was put on ritalin because I was disruptive in class and unorganized in 10th grade. I hated the way I felt. My parents would ground me if I refused my pills. I tried pot and realized it would mellow me out . I eventually learned to love ritalin and the Dr. Kept increasing my dose. I would be high all day and stoned all night. I wasn't disrupting class anymore because I skipped school to smoke cigarettes which I found amazing when on speed. I went to college but dropped out when I moved on to cocaine and just partied in a college town until bad choices led me to having an unexpected pregnancy. I stopped all drug use during pregnancy and became some what functional. After my son was born. My house was always a mess and it was hard being a single mom. My mom talked me into seeing a shrink who put me back on ritalin. Long story short i started chain smoking and started pot again. But i was able to get my degree and moved across the country to get away from drugs. I started working in a mental health clinic, was was maka great mom, got married, my new husband adopted my son and everything seemed to be behind us. A year into our marriage some th ting was wrong. Teachers reported weird behaviors with my son and i found out some awful things about my husbands past. I had trouble keeping up at work and one of the psychratrists gave me a script for adderal. I was in love. It gave me a euphoric feeling that ritalin didn't. I started abusing it immediately. I kept it a secret and spent a lot of time away from my family. My husband turned out to be a porn addict and slept on the couch by my son's room. I just kept popping pills and thriving at my job. I let my husband deal with my sons issues at school. Eventually my husband left after i found out he was pretending to be a women online to talk to men and tried to get custody of my son. I was still functioning and kept my addiction secret. I had a prescribed dose of 90mg a day and didn't need to go over that. I didnt even consider myself addicted because i was taking as prescribed. To shorten this awful story i will skip a lot of details. It came out my son may of been sexually abused and i lost my mind. I was up to 120 a day and never had issues filling my scripts early becaise i worked with shrinks. And my mom also addicted to adderal moved in to help. I had endless supply I started acting crazy, the dreaded stimulant psychosis and took a leave from work. Because i was abusing adderal and acting insane the justice system believed i was making allegations up. I kept it together enough to have marriage and adoption annuled and got a restraing order. My son was expelled from school for behaviors and i left my job for good. Met a great man that helped me get off adderal moved had a baby. Quit for 2 years. Even lost baby weight adderal free. Started my own sucessful buisness. My son was thriving in his new school and i believed the abuse never happened. All part of adderal paranoia. All was grrat until the pollice knocked on my door and informed me my son was being investigated for sexual assult on a classmate. Relapse started slowly stealing a few pills from my mom then getting my own script dumping the pills after three days. I cant seem to kick this habit. I told my mom to hide pills. She doesnt. I told the dr to stop filling my script. He forgot. I went to therapist but she didnt feel they had appropiate support group for me. I finally told my husband and he is watching me carefully. I know my triggers are stress and guilt over what happened to my son. And thats not going away. He is on probation and therapy. He is only 10 and got comminity service and a year in court system when his abuser is walking free. I couldnt help him because of my drug addiction. How do you let that go and move on sober. Does anyone else have trouble dealing with trauma and emotions without relapsing? I never shared my story because of the shame involved. But if i start the addiction cycle i will lose everything again and cant start over. Im 35 and have been addicted since 15. I never learned to handle life without a stimulant. Im hoping to find strength through others. I have a lot of stress ahead of me helping my son and protecting him from the system and a beautiful daughter that deserves a good life.

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Welcome to the board!  I took ritalin and concerta before trying adderal. I was pretty normal on concerta. I lost my shit on Adderall ,  its a totally different drug.  This article does a good job explaining the differences http://www.hightimes.com/read/adderall-americas-favorite-amphetamine .   Hope  to hear more from you! Thanks for posting. 

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Welcome to the board! I took ritalin and concerta before trying adderal. I was pretty normal on concerta. I lost my shit on Adderall , its a totally different drug. This article does a good job explaining the differences http://www.hightimes.com/read/adderall-americas-favorite-amphetamine . Hope to hear more from you! Thanks for posting.

Welcome to the forums addylife!

I'm not a reader of high times lol, but I did read that article before and it's probably the most detailed and insightful deep dive that I've read into how prescribed stimulants actually work.

ZK I was taking Ritalin and concerta separately and at the same time at once and concerta really f--- me up. I actually consider concerta worse than adderall for me, but both are pretty awful. Vyvance too.

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Welcome to the forums addylife!

I'm not a reader of high times lol, but I did read that article before and it's probably the most detailed and insightful deep dive that I've read into how prescribed stimulants actually work.

ZK I was taking Ritalin and concerta separately and at the same time at once and concerta really f--- me up. I actually consider concerta worse than adderall for me, but both are pretty awful. Vyvance too.

Maybe its my personal experience to me Adderall was a much stronger drug. I took concerta & adderall together and used concerta to fill the gaps between crashtes.  Adderall really spun me out of control. That high times article is a pretty good piece of journalism, at least High Times isn't owned by a pharmaceutical company. 

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