4 years later... Wake up call! Is there any hope?

[difflexx]

Hi guys-

 

I just registered for the forum after reading the amazing "Challenge" and I am overwhelmed. So many of the things Mike says in the Challenge speak directly to me on a very deep level, and I felt very inspired to sign up for the forum and start a topic because I've been struggling on my own for such a long time now. I figured it's time tor each out for help, and also share my story.

 

I started taking adderall when I was 17 years old, and it was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. 2 20mg XRs everyday. It boosted my mood and my productivitiy and, like Mike says, I felt like Superman. At the same time, I was heavily abusing alcohol and other drugs such as marijuana and cocaine as well other pills like Xanax and antidepressants to offset all the side effects... needless to say I was out of control with my substance use and abuse- but it doesn't't stop there. I continued with my wild party lifestyle all the way thru college and beyond, into my early twenties. Throughout this time, something changed inside me.

 

I had always been an incredibly bright, passionate and motivated kid. I had been an entusiatic and empathetic deep feeler and people always commented on how they could relate with me so easily. As a typical angsty teenager I had plenty of emotions, and I felt all of them with every fiber of my being. But after 5 years on Adderall (while continuing the addtional alcohol and drug abuse, and adding a cigarette addiction) I had literally become a ZOMBIE.

 

At first I was totally ok with all of that. I had better control over my emotions and I was super great at playing it cool. At least I thought I was cool. Little did I know I was literally KILLING my emotions, Eventually, I got to a point where I would pop a pill and feel so hyped up I didn't know what to do, so I would smoke a ton of weed to chill out and then I would zonk out comatose on my bed for hours not even moving. Not doing anything. And if I tried to focus on anything when I took adderall I would get so hyperfocused that I completely detached from the real world. Then, my mood took a turn for the worst. I would get incredibly irritated and annoyed with anyone who tried to distrub my focus, even a simple joke would throw me over the edge. "This is not a time for jokes!!!" I would yell in frustration. That's when I knew I had to stop. Adderall was ruining my life. So at age 22 I took myself off adderall.

 

4 years later down the line and I am terrified because I have still been detached and disconnected with my emotions and adderall's effects on my brain are still prevalent. Not to mention I have the memory of a goldfish and I'm only 26 years old. It's been FOUR YEARS!  Is there any hope?

 

In October, I decided to start making aggressive changes and extreme life choices to restore my body and my brain, not only from the adderall but all the terrible ways I trashed my body with substances and dirty foods. I decided to commit to healing and restoration. But it's been a process.

 

First I started with my diet. I chose GAPS, which has been an effective diet in healing people and children from all sorts of preventative diseases and developmental disorders such as Autism. It focuses on eating all raw organic foods to remove any toxins from your diet. It also stresses the importance of eliminating added sugars completely, as well as any carbs or starches that turn into sugar in your body after digestion. It is an extreme diet, but an incredibly healing diet. It took me some time to fully transition into the diet and I have given into temptation on a number of ocassion but as a first step, this was the greatest thing I could do for my body and my brain. It is NOT an easy diet but it is so rewarding.

 

The second thing I started doing was working out. My work out routine has not been stable or consistent but I usually get to the gym at least once a week, and three times on a good week. Overall, this has boosted my mood and stimulated my body and brain activity in healthy ways.

 

The next thing I did was get sober. Completely. This was also a process, although I began cleaning up my act in October. First I quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey. Surprisingly (even to myself) this was fairly easy for me. Then I cut back on alcohol, drinking about once or twice a month. At the time I was still smoking a lot of pot to curb anxiety. This all led up to February when I set a date (2/1/14) and committed to full sobriety.

 

Now, the final step has been setting my emotional goals. I've spent the last year putting the pieces in place and it's time to get serious. It's not just my body that needs healing, it's my mind and my emotional well being. Consequently, both are inextricably linked.

 

Adderall deteriorates the limbic system in the brain which is directly responsible for your emotions, and it also erodes the hippocampus which is related to memory. The thing most people don't realize when they start taking adderall is the way it literally changes your brain.

 

Are these changes reversable? What can we do as recovering addicts to restore our body and our brain to the ways they were before adderall? Is it even possible? Do we have hope?

 

Does anyone else have any success stories? Tips or tricks? Is there anything I could be doing that I'm not already that will help my restoration process?

 

If you google "adderall effects" or "adderall emotions" you get a lot of people having the same problems as me, what I want to know is WILL IT GET BETTER??? Does anyone know?

 

I wouldn't have been able to start this process if I hadn't met the love of my life. He turned my world upsidedown and I just want to be the best man I can be for him. He supports me every step of the way with accountability and encourages me with my diet and my sobriety. I couldn't do this alone. I know I want to be the best person I can for this love, for him and for myself, and I need to restore my body and my brain in order to have a healthy stable relationship.

 

Tell me- IS THERE ANY HOPE???

[AlwaysAwesome]

I have to believe there is hope.  You are farther along on this process than I am, but I have to believe it gets better.  Otherwise, I would just sit around eating Blue Bell icecream and cheesecake...all day long...

 

Welcome to the group! 

Edited August 6, 2014 by AlwaysAwesome

[LILTEX41]

Wow, yes there is so much HOPE!  You are doing all the right things.  You've got to be feeling so much better than you did in your haze from all those chemicals.  But it does take time and PATIENCE.  Do NOT expect a miracle.  Think of it like the first person you ever fell in love with (hopefully this was in middle school).  Do you feel that way about this person now?  Do you remember how hard it was when you broke up?  Do you remember feeling like your life was over and you'd NEVER find another person like this again or be able to love again?  Do you remember how long it took to recover the pain and heartache from the first person you loved? 

 

This is the only way I can describe to you what it's like to recover from Adderall.  You can't force it, push it, or make the pain go away simply because you wish it would. It simply takes time....lots of time and the more distance you put between you and this drug the easier it gets. It's like being cut open and bleeding out for some time.  But the more you keep nursing your wound by doing all the healing restorative acts like you are doing now, the faster it will heal.  Eventually, it will just become an old scar to remind you that once upon a time you got badly injured. It will leave you with an incredible story to share with others, but your life will go on and you will do great things. You may even find that with this affliction, it lead you to a greater victory you had no intention or ever saw coming.  Whatever you do, just keep moving forward and nursing that wound.  Do not re-open it again.  Time, patience, perseverance, and new hobbies/interests will help greatly.  Stick with it and come to this board for support.  You will draw great strength from the people here. They are AWESOME!

 

And big kudos to you for all you have done so far in this short amount of time clean.  You are doing AMAZING! 

[Zerokewl]

Always hope dude and at your age you will bounce back quick. early stages of recovery are somewhat shitty. But it gets better and as that unique and authentic person buried deep inside emerges you will wonder why you needed the pills in the first place. a full 180 is possible with a little work , some faith and time.