Day One...

[Lesson Learned]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm 26 years old. 169lbs.  Married to a very supportive/ loving woman.

 

This past week I have seen how insane and scary my relationship with adderall has become.  I started when I was diagnosed in college.  I stuggled with reading and was drowning.  I became an accounting major and things improved.  Finally, I decided that I would seek a doctor's advice because I was depressed and working hour after hour and not making the grades in qualitative classes.  I feared grad school was not going to be a reality if I didn't get some help figuring out why things were harder all me when I truly had the work ethic.  I was tired of reading the same line 5 times and day dreaming when studying.

 

I was put on a 30mg and 20mg adderall once a day.  Instant solution:  Straight A's.  I graduated this May and started full time at a large CPA firm.  Since May, Adderall has turned into something that haunts me. 

 

I was diagnosed last year and it got out of hand quick. I was so productive!  Worked my first tax season and had my two capstone classes and three other classes this spring semester, surprisingly I managed to blow all of this out of the water.  But quickly things changed.

 

When I met adderall, I was a sports fanatic and didn't drink or use drugs.  In fact, I haven't drank alcohol since 2011.  I was known for my laidback nature and my positive attitude.  Unfortunately, I find it hard to "feel" or relate to my oldself.  February, I messed up and took 30mg at night to study for an exam.  This resulted in a binge.  Then a month later in tried to take the dosage prescribed and was constantly obessed if it was enough to focus.  I started having mood swings. Also, my perspective of others became super judgemental, and I compared myself and accomplishments to other people obsessively in my head.  I was obsessed with kicking butt in work and school and became completely unaware at wasn't present at home. 

 

As May was approaching, it became increasingly harder to sleep.  By June, I swore at times I heard coworkers talking about me and things in my house.  I became frustrated with my wife constantly because she did not understand my patterns of speech and just down right weird behavior.  I was so embarrassed.

 

This past week I told her I needed help.  I called a retired doctor we knew who has been in recovery from adderall for 8 years.  The only thing I could say was, "I think I have a drug problem."  He told me that I could call him everyday starting whenever I decided to quit.  As the week closed out I was engulfed in believing every person in my life and at work knew my situation and were against me.

 

The worst is the overwhelming sense of nearing failure and feeling I am watching my life fall apart in front of my eyes.  All I could do until yesterday was justify the uses.  My wife went out of town to visited her mother while I took the weekend to be alone and get clean.  Yesterday, I failed and took several pills.  I felt so alone, but then I found this cite.  After reading my story told over and over again, I had enough truth about my condition to flush the pills.  Our friend is calling my prescribing doctor to tell him I have a problem with adderall, which is a relief because I didn't trust myself with that task.

 

I'm so lonely, depressed, and scatterbrained.  (I'm having serious issues typing this)  On the other hand, I have made the committment to my career, family, and health.  I am ashamed of the person I have become.  I am an anti-social, fearful, excuse maker.  Who have watch his friends quit calling one by one because I could care less what they are doing.  The truth is I do care, and I want my emotions back.

 

I could not identify adderall was changing me of the past six months and would do anything to rationalize countinued daily excessive use, which is torture.  It is a scary addiction that tore me apart quick and made me suspicious of everyone around me.  I feel humiliated because I believed every lie in my head.

 

Thanks for your time, and I'm sorry for the choppy sentence structures.  I just can seem to think clearly.  I was grateful for you guys yesterday and look forward to this journey with you.  Old Brandon is coming back.

 

 

-Brandon

 

 

[mila490]

Welcome to the site. It's great that you are so open and honest with people in your life and that you reached out for support. It seems like you have a good support system in place. It will take awhile to adjust and be rough at times, but just know that it is a temporary state to endure in order to build a more stable future for yourself.

Many people here can relate to your story. I am doing the 30 Day Challenge and it helps keep me accountable, so that might be a good start for you too. Look forward to hearing more from you!

[Lesson Learned]

Thank you!  I plan on doing that!

 

 

After making it through yesterday, I got a sponsor in AA since I had a prior drinking problem.  I am ready to get off my ass and live life.  I slept hard last night and am going into work for a few hours to play catch up a little bit.  If I go in tomorrow knowing I have a project or two finished that are due, it will be a lot easier to feel like I can get things done without the drug itself.

 

Also, some people in recovery that I know are taking me out to boat ride.  It's time to move on.  Tired of being crippled.  The crutches are throw away.

 

 

[quit-once]

Welcome to this forum, Brandon.  You seem really sincere and determined to quit.  You have been on that coaster ride so you know how shitty these first few days of recovery can be.  I think it's great that you have reached out to so many different avenues of support to help you kick this awful addiction.  We are all here for mutual support and gain strength from the group. 

If you are struggling with depression or brain fog, you may want to try L-tyrosine and fish oil supplements, and maybe a vitamin D pill as well.  Good Luck! and I hope to hear more from you on this forum.