Allow me to Add.. to the madness

[Soupy2fly]

I have been spending most of the days googling, researching, trying to find anything online other than generic websites relating to my struggles with letting my beloved Adderall leave my life. Where has this website been this whole damn time?! Well, non the less, here you are. Please bear with me. This is probably the first time in a little while where I actually felt like participating in a conversation and would really love the opportunity to just type..vent..let it out and hopefully get some feedback to help me on this wild ride of a Adderall free lifestyle. 

 

I have been taking adderall everyday for about 4-5 years straight. My prescribed dose was 45mg a day. "Soupys" dose was more around 100-200 mgs a day. The abuse somewhat crept up on me. I am sure you can all relate to the mental obsessing.. "I need just a little extra today" kinda cycle. Towards the end, everything spiraled. Talk about mood swings, fear and paranoia, and even though I would pick up my 3month supply, by the time I made it to the parking lot I was already worried about running out. The last straw was a $850 purchase for my prescriptions and a intervention given by my boss and good friend. April 29th was the first day I stopped taking my Adderall. The next week was an exhausted, depressing blur of shit and frankly the fact I found the energy to brush my teeth at least a handful of times in that week was a feat I was pretty proud of! 

 

After that "Hell Week", I enrolled myself into a 28 day treatment program focusing on Alcoholics Anonymous. It was one of the hardest months of my life but I got through it. Although difficult, the next month I pushed through. I was pretty excited that I was able to actually hit the gym without Adderall. I could still lift weights, I could work, I could laugh without it. Don't get me wrong, those simple everyday tasks were nothing like they used to be, but the fact that I could physically do them was a celebration in itself. Prior to quitting, I didn't even think waking up was possible without my medicine. 

 

So its been 4 months or so. And my report has changed drastically. I find myself incredibly exhausted pretty much all the time. No spurt of energy. No excitement. I wake up mad at the world. Mad that I actually woke up another day. I hate my job. I ignore all of my friends. My bills. My life as a whole. I used to love the gym. Loved everything about it and you had to force me to take a day off. Now, I just cant seem to go. Driving to the gas station, taking a shower, takes so much out of me that I just feel like I am in the darkest hole. I don't recall ever feeling this depressed in my life. 

 

I was off work today. I forced myself to go to the gym, the store, visit my dad, cook for my son. But I'm basically a zombie just passing through the day. I feel alone and lost. 

 

Adderall made me incredibly happy. When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I used Adderall to give her 24/7 care. I used it to be very successful in my job. I used it to help me be a super Single-mom. Now, I don't seem to do much of anything right. Hard on myself. Negative. I was never like this before. And typing this I realize I probably sound like the most depressing debbie downer. I just want to enjoy life, enjoy work, and actually answer the phone when my friends call. I feel selfish for not being there for them the way I know they want to be there for me to. I just can't talk to anyone. I don't want to be here but I don't want to go anywhere either.  Most of all, I really want to be better for my son. I'm a single mom. The only person he has. All financial stress, living, worry, school, is on me. And I find myself thinking so much about the future or my situation so negatively..its just not like ME to not be able to find a mental way out of a head trip like this but I can't find a fucking way out. 

 

Can anyone give me any feedback? I know that I probably should make a appt to get on some depression medication to help me through this time. But even the thought of making that call wears me down so bad. I just don't know if this is normal perhaps? If this will find its way out of me so I can be happy again? 

 

I apologize for the rambling. I know this is probably a jumbled amount of info and feelings. But I figured if I actually have the desire to type all of this out, I should just run with it. In advance, thanks for hearing me out. I needed it. 

[Krax]

I'm on my iPad so I can't give you a detailed response, but would say hang in there, we've all been there or are there, and you might ask your dr about Wellbutrin

[Zerokewl]

Welcome to the forum.  I felt pretty much the same at 4 months it gradually gets better ... much better  I promise. You may want to consider an anti-D like welbutrin as Krax recommended.  Because essentially your adderall use has messed up the part of your brain that makes happy (Dopamine re-uptake inhibitor).  Your brain chemistry will re-calibrate as time goes on it is a bit of a process. But little by little you just notice like hey that sunrise made me feel inspired etc. I actually laughed out loud at that episode etc. Little things. It just takes time to re calibrate you mind grapes. At 14 months I feel like I am 80-90% there. Your brain is healing and it needs sleep to perform maintenance tasks. Sleep, watch Netflix, make life easy as possible.

Take some time and poke around this site read the articles.  Its going to take some time and some work before you start to feel back to your old self.  Like the sites slogan says "Surviving the painful but extremely rewarding transition back to your true self"

 

Keep posting here we totally understand. 

[Soupy2fly]

Thank you for the reply. It def feels better to know that I'm not suffering alone. Part of my issue has been thinking that 4 months progress should be improving and not declining. But I know that this process is a hard one. I miss adderall so much but frankly the thought of redoing this shit makes me never want to go back. I tend to forget the low point prior to seeking treatment. I need to just keep pushing forward. Will make this appt today if it kills me! Thank you!!!

[Krax]

Thank you for the reply. It def feels better to know that I'm not suffering alone. Part of my issue has been thinking that 4 months progress should be improving and not declining. But I know that this process is a hard one. I miss adderall so much but frankly the thought of redoing this shit makes me never want to go back. I tend to forget the low point prior to seeking treatment. I need to just keep pushing forward. Will make this appt today if it kills me! Thank you!!!

As you will read in more detail elsewhere, recovery progress is not linear. There will be ups and downs.

[mila490]

 Adderall made me incredibly happy. When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I used Adderall to give her 24/7 care. I used it to be very successful in my job. I used it to help me be a super Single-mom.

 

I think this is the hardest part to make peace with, because you're going to look back and ask yourself, "Could I have done 'x' without Adderall?" I graduated college and landed my dream job while on it, which affects my confidence at work now that I'm not taking it.

Adderall didn't care for your mother though; you did. Give yourself more credit. Also, it's so easy to think about the short-lived happiness buzz you got from Adderall, especially in comparison to the lows you feel while recovering. The fear and paranoia you experienced don't sound like happiness to me! You can and will be happy and successful without Adderall.

Hang in there and keep checking in!

[Brandy76]

I would also suggest Wellbutrin.  Before I was on adderall i was on wellbutrin since I was always so exhausted and depressed and it worked wonders, it even made me loose weight too, where as other SSRI's make you gain weight.

 

I stopped Wellbutrin after a while, just to get of taking pills, but now that I'm on Adderall I was re-prescribed Wellbutrin for the depression I still feel.  Being on both I'm not sure is the best as I have double the no appetitie and double the exhaustion on weekends....